Happy Without A Reason Because You’re Home

Q: Hello, John. I have a question. Is there such a thing as a personal soul or is it just one soul?

John: How do you mean?

Q: There is a personal ego on this earth and so a lot of religions said that you go to heaven or to hell, and that’s quite personal. So, I’m Martin here on Earth. Am I still Martin after death?

John: Concerning heaven and hell and everything that you’ve been told and everything that you’ve heard, concerning everything that you’ve let into your mind and that you’ve let into your heart, believe none of it, and then believe whatever it is that you actually know the truth of in the privacy of your own heart.

Any conditioning in your mind and in your heart is an act of control on your self. You need to not have it. For you to not have it, you cannot get rid of it on its own. It needs to be consciously displaced by what you actually know the truth of. You don’t need to know much. It doesn’t matter how little you actually know the truth of something.

It doesn’t matter what understanding you have of that or what lack of understanding there may seem to be. You need to know what it is that you actually do know aside from all conditioning, and then you need to believe what you know. That needs to be your only real ground.

When that is your only real ground, then as awareness you’ll be able to move clearly within as knowing, and you’ll no longer be moving within based on something you’ve learned or that you’ve acquired.

In moving as awareness knowing within, you’ll be able to realize the more that you know: knowledge within that is only accessible if, as awareness, you are being knowing. Then everything that you encounter as awareness within, knowing the truth of it, you’ll continue in full belief of whatever it is within that you’re knowing. You will be coming into your own full interior, a full interior that your pre-conditioning cannot enter.

Your pre-conditioning will keep you, in your self, in what you have already taken to heart and believed, even if you haven’t known the truth of it. It will keep you in a spin, wanting to know more while not being able to stop spinning. For you to come into real Knowledge within, the pre-conditioned spinning needs to stop.

It doesn’t stop unless you are first in your heart contented and quieted, satisfied with the tiniest little bit within that you do know the truth of. If what you do, really do, know the truth of isn’t having your whole heart, the spinning cannot stop. The spinning will continue as long as you continue to need something from what you have already believed.

The spinning happens by you. Your conditioning doesn’t make you spin. Your finding a semblance of satisfaction in your conditioning makes you spin. When it no longer matters to you how small your ground is, how little ground you have within, when all that matters to you is…that it’s real, and the real, however small, is enough, the spin is gone. You’re left knowing perhaps very little, perhaps almost nothing.

If what seems almost nothing means everything to you because it’s actual and it’s real, you’ve found your way. It will not stop opening, and it will continue if your whole heart continues to absorb all of it. You have no real alternative to this. If you continue boxing with your conditioning, it will continue to become stronger.

In your effort to win, you will lose. If you follow through in this, your ego, without any effort, without any effort of yours, will turn to vapor. It will lose all of its density. It will lose all of its power. The illusion that you lived in will pass away. You’ll have your heart back again and you’ll have the heart of a lovely, lovely, happy little boy.

You’ll have grounded glee in your heart. You’ll be thinking differently. You’ll be thinking because you know, instead of thinking out of habit and momentum, thinking because you’re wanting something or needing something. You’ll be thinking because of liking being the tiniest little bit within that you do know the truth of.

You cannot cheat this or cut corners. It requires profound honesty in your heart and profound honesty in the use of your intellect, and your whole heart given to what you do know the truth of. You will be happy without a reason because you’re home.

Opening and Softening in Relationship – Part 2 of 2

Q: I’ve often found in our relationship that the real behavior coming from my self is coming from the avoidance of the intensity of the fire of the relationship.

John: That fire will only burn what’s perishable. Stay in it and at all costs to your self, open and soften your heart. See her afresh, in the midst of the calloused familiarity.

Q: Sometimes the feelings and thoughts and emotions seem to be so convincing that it feels like doing that is not honest. It’s like faking something. I give myself reasoning and points of view to just stand up and leave the situation and really avoid the fullness of my own feeling, the fullness of the fire.

John: You’ll be faking it only if you believe in your self.

Q: To bring greater intimacy into the relationship and a greater sense of vulnerability, is that purely a way of being? Or is it necessary to talk about how I’m feeling in vulnerable things and actually communicating that way?

John: Have a bigger heart than the self you have. Opening and softening within makes your heart bigger. Opening and softening within in the midst of the fire makes your heart bigger than your self. The fire will only help you in this. Live to open and soften at every opportunity. It doesn’t matter at all how often you fall down. It matters only that openness and softness gets back up. For this you have her.

Q: Is it possible to have openness as awareness but not so much softness of heart?

John: Yes. It immediately changes your heart. And you can have an openness and a softness of heart and have a hard self. The openness and softness of heart is more powerful than your self. Sustain the openness and softness of heart despite whatever kind of self you have, despite whatever kind of self she has. The openness and softness of heart definitely changes the blood in your self.

Q: It can quite often bring a whole lot of pain.

John: It doesn’t matter how much it pain there is. It isn’t going to hurt you. When you seem to be unable to stand it in the fire, see her from your knees.

Q: Sometimes I use in some way the clarity of thought to stop me from doing that.

John: That’s not clarity of thought. Clarity of thought reaches her.

Q: Always?

John: It doesn’t stop reaching her.

Q: Sometimes I use what I perceive as kindness to reach her and it seems to fire up the situation, so perhaps it’s not coming from the right place.

John: Don’t let kindness be an effort. If it’s an effort it will be convenient to a part of you for her to react, proving you right. Kindness doesn’t relate to being right. It relates to the reaching. Love fully learning all of these things, not in your next relationship. This relationship is your relationship. See her, see her afresh, and where there is even a subtlety of that, right there, be all in.

Read moreOpening and Softening in Relationship – Part 2 of 2

Deepening the Connection Between You and Your Child

Q: Hello, John. I would like to deepen the connection between me and my child and my being aware of it, so I’d like it if you would help me to do that.From the September 13, 2011 evening meeting with John de Ruiter in Amsterdam, The Netherlands

John: Be really seen. Reveal your heart and give your heart without embellishment, so that, when you’re giving your heart, your heart given is unadorned. Then your child is fully meeting you.

Don’t push your way or have your own way. Don’t use any power to have what is personal for you at your child’s expense, and at the same time, be kindly strong with what you are clear about.

All of this draws your child into being seen, being heard, and not using any power to do so, inviting your child into a strength of clarity. With a richness of heart, make it really easy for your child to never need to lie.

Value a quiet love, enabling your child to read you deeply. Then there’s room for supportive excitement.

When you’re agitated in any way, like being slow to speak, and when you’ve fallen short in any way, like being quick to speak.

If you are happy in all of this, your child will be deeply safe and free to be seen in everything.

Don’t try to correct your child or give instruction if at the same time you are not being seen. If you are being seen, your child will love learning from you.

In the midst of your availability, share your realizations, and your child will come into the same.

If you are always giving your heart while being seen, giving your heart in a quieted way without embellishment, your heart being given unadorned, your child will know that it doesn’t have to do anything for love.

Your child will grow up not being performance oriented.

Don’t be overly motherly and your child will have no need of being childish.

Q: Thank you.

Read moreDeepening the Connection Between You and Your Child

Opening and Softening in Relationship – Part 1 of 2

Q: I’m sitting in the chair today with my partner, and I can see so many things that I do that are protecting my heart when it comes to loving him. I would really love to know how to love a man and be so open and vulnerable. I feel like I protect my self a lot. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t have a self that is free to love. I feel like my heart is almost closed.

John: Give up every orientation to being either right or wrong. Dearness in a relationship doesn’t relate to being right or wrong. If you don’t develop your self from within the knowledge you have, your heart and your self will harden. A hard self orientates to being either being right or wrong.

Q: I’ve noticed that hardness in me lately. It feels like a great protective mechanism, but it doesn’t allow for love and dearness.

John: If you’re not developing your self from within knowledge and your heart, all of your feeling will go to your self to the exclusion of your partner. You will relate to being right or wrong. Either way it will be against him. You’ll be projecting outwards what’s occurring in your self. Developing your self from within knowing and your heart costs your self in your experience.

To develop your self, you will have to be clarity, dealing with a self that is like an unruly child. Developing your self won’t be in favor of how you feel in your self. In your experience, you will be going against your self. If you’re not dealing with that then you’ll be going against your partner. You’ll be making him pay for what’s yours.

Q: I can’t say that I haven’t wanted to do that because I’m sure I’ve done it. It wouldn’t be honest. It’s often so extremely painful.

John: That’s unavoidable. When you don’t let pain heal your self, it will make your self worse. If you don’t let pain heal your self, you’ll be putting it onto your partner

Q: I really don’t want to do that.

John: Deep within, you don’t want to do that.

Q: Isn’t that what counts?

John: Everything counts.

Q: So that if deep within, I don’t want to do that, then somewhere I do. Is it enough to see that?

John: And let that, you in that, be in your self. You won’t be your self. You’ll be better than what your self is, and in your self that won’t feel good. The pain that comes into your self will, by you, end in your heart where you will feel it most. The openness and the softness that allows for that will be opening empathy in you, enabling you to see him differently.

Q: It’s quite difficult to speak about this because it’s so easy to hide, in a way, for things to appear different from what they actually are inside.

John: There is no hiding. Everything shows. That’s not a failure. It’s an invitation.

Despite the condition of the relationship, you’re able to see him. In seeing him, you have found you. The seeing doesn’t come from your self. Seeing him doesn’t come from your self. It comes from you opening. And no matter how it affects your self, give every opening to him. Turn every opening into action. If you’re not giving your heart to him despite the condition of your self, you’re dying.

For you to live, you need to give; you need to give your heart. It needs to show, even if your self doesn’t match. Your self will come around after the pain and the vulnerability of that is warmly no issue with you. Your whole body is your heart. Awaken every subtlety of it to him.

Q: Is that by giving my heart to him?

John: Reach him despite your self and his, despite the patterning of the relationship. Reach him and be ointment to him.

Q: That’s very beautiful.

John: Yes, but going past your self won’t feel pleasant.You owe the innermost of everything for you to be this and do this. You’ll be your own innermost outwards. It will be quite a purification. It’s all good, even if it doesn’t feel good. You will be dealing with everything in your self. It works.

Read moreOpening and Softening in Relationship – Part 1 of 2

Your Being Is Your Life

Q: You told me I must bring up touches of being to my eyes and to my face and I have experienced much pain and shock and memories of behavior towards others that’s really hard for me to carry. I started to bring up the memories in order to feel and get that face back, as a sort of technique. Is that a good way to get my true face back up?

John: It helps. But when you were really little, you didn’t have these memories to draw from. You had an innocence of heart, and because of the openness and the softness and the clearness of your heart, your own door, the door of your heart to your being was as open as your heart was, so there was easily a direct flow from your being, bringing up touches of being and delicacies of being into your heart. And you did let the expression of that come up into your face and come up into your eyes. It wasn’t something that needed to be explained to you. It was a natural flow of beingness from within your heart and it showed in your face. It was clear in your eyes.

You can access some of these memories. It helps you identify something that you knew when you were little and that you know now, but you don’t really need the memories. You are able as awareness to let your heart open and soften. It is the most fundamental truth that you know in your heart. It is what you always knew. You may not have had words for it but, when you were really little, you very easily lived it.

You easily lived it because you were very sensitive, sensitive and delicate. You didn’t have the strength of self and you were not strong in your person. That was a weakness of yours, without that in any way at all being a bad thing, but it did make it easy for others who felt stronger in themselves to project their weakness onto you and hurt you. Within your openness and softness of heart and your own tender beingness showing your face and in your eyes, you were confused when others would hurt you. It didn’t make sense to you and you didn’t know what to do with it.

Eventually you began to protect your self by closing your heart and hardening your heart. When you did so, you would feel less pain, but you were also shutting down your heart, which stops the flow of beingness that comes through your heart into your self. That has you developing a tighter self and more reactive self.

When you begin as awareness to open your heart again and to let your heart soften, that will be reacquainting you with early memories of being hurt by others and not knowing what to do with it. It would be bringing up all of the pain that you tried to stop. Everything that you’ve been avoiding in your self, that you’ve closed your heart toward, will all be slowly coming back up again. It is going to hurt. The pain you experience, as you are present in openness of heart, isn’t going to damage you. It isn’t going to damage your self. On the other hand, closing your heart and hardening your heart to keep your self from feeling the pain – that does damage your self.

For you to be returning as awareness to being open and soft again despite the pain and the hurt, the flow of being, the delicacies of being, the touches of being that begin to come up again into your heart, will move into your self, enabling you in your self, from within such delicacies, to feel again. With that comes much feeling of vulnerability, but that vulnerability isn’t going to damage you.

These touches of being that are free to move through your heart into your self, up into your face and into your eyes, provide healing. The healing isn’t separate from the pain, the healing comes through the pain. The pain is neither a good thing nor a bad thing. The delicacies of being that come up through your heart, that move into your self, and fill your face and your eyes with tender and delicate awareness, make you whole.

Dwell within the okayness, the profound okayness that touches your heart when your heart opens and softens. Be at rest in that profound okayness in the midst of the pain, the memories, the hurt, and you’ll be realizing that within your most delicate weaknesses, there is a lovely, lovely tender living of your heart.

Q: I have experienced new things in my life, but I suppose I’m not doing enough because when I raise up memories of things that I have done, I sometimes feel the pain is suffocating. Is this the experience I should have ongoing? Some sort of that experience?

John: The joy or the suffocation? It doesn’t matter. The suffocation is because of a conditioning in your self. The experience of that suffocation isn’t something for you to give your heart to. When you’re experiencing that suffocation in your self and you take that experience to heart, you’re giving your heart to the experience of suffocation.

While you’re experiencing such suffocation, notice the tiniest, tiniest subtlety of being that is there in your heart. The littler that it is, the better. The littler it is, the more exquisite it is.
When you notice in the midst of the suffocation the tiniest touch of being in your heart that is almost indiscernible, take that touch to heart. Believe that touch. Let your heart respond to that touch. Your experience of the suffocation is incidental to the tiny touch of being that is there at the same time in your heart.

If your attention goes to the suffocation, your heart will go to the same and you will close your heart to protect your heart from what’s occurring in your self. You don’t need to. Your heart heals when it is open and soft in the midst of a negative experience in your self. When you sustain being that delicacy in the midst of the suffocation in your self, your self heals. It takes time, but your self does heal.

These touches of being, these most subtle touches of being that you know the truth of in your heart – give them your heart and your time despite what you’re experiencing in your self. You need to let these touches show in your face and in your eyes. When your heart is opening and softening, these touches naturally come up into your face and into your eyes. Love not resisting or stopping that.

Q: Am I right wanting to bear everything and not have any sort of relief?

John: It isn’t a right or a wrong. It’s okay. There are many different ways that you can move your self. What matters the most within the many ways in your self is the way in your heart, in your heart opening and softening instead of closing and hardening.

Where there is an openness and a softness of heart, when you have a strong thought in your mind, a strength of perception about what’s happening to your self or person, the tendency is for you to believe what you’re thinking. In that regard, you need to believe only what you actually know the truth of.

Strength of thought and perception isn’t equated with the truth within. To think and feel strongly doesn’t mean that you know the truth of it, nor does a mild feeling with little strength of thought mean that you’re not knowing the truth of something. You need to discern what you’re actually knowing the truth of, within any feeling and any kind of thinking, within any perception. That puts knowing, your knowing as awareness, in control of where your belief moves.

Your belief as awareness is your power. Where the belief of your heart goes, your power goes. When you give your power through your belief to a strong perception, one that seems clearly thought-through and strongly felt, if you’re not knowing the truth of that feeling, that thinking and that perception, then don’t give it your power; don’t give it your belief. But when you do know something, even if it is within a subtlety, a feeling, or a subtlety of thought, if you’re discerning real knowledge within the feeling, within the thought, believe what you know you’re knowing, without needing the thinking or the feeling to have the discernment.

What will occur is that you will slowly begin to move in your awareness as knowing. Real knowledge within that you have in your heart will mean more to you than your feeling and your thinking. As that becomes clear to you, you will be able to identify and discern more easily and more strongly what it is that you’re actually knowing within your thoughts and feelings. You will be able as knowing to make your way through your perceptions. As awareness, you will have your ground in real knowledge, instead of having your ground in what you’re experiencing in your self.

The experiences in your self will always be like the weather; there isn’t real ground in it. The real ground of any experience is what you’re actually knowing the truth of within that experience. It’s your own knowledge, your inner knowledge, the knowing in your heart, that gives you depth of stability within your self, within what you’re experiencing in your self. The tendency is to believe what you’re experiencing, giving your experiences your power, which makes you unstable. Your real stability within is within the much deeper stillness.

The stillness isn’t an experience; the stillness is the knowledge within. When you know something in your heart, it just simply is. It isn’t going to be helping you or providing something for you. It’s just simply what you are knowing.

You need to believe what you know. When you’re believing what you know, your own heart is not just connected to what you’re knowing the truth of in your heart, but your heart opens. You become connected in a living way to the touches in your being, to the delicacies of being. The knowledge follows through from within your own heart, through your own being, into what you first are: living knowledge. The knowing of the truth is what you are. As awareness, you’re able to be the knowing of the truth.

You can’t choose your truth. Either you honestly know the truth of something or you don’t, but what you do honestly and quietly know within, in the midst of a feeling or a thinking or a perception, you need to believe. It’s what gives you your rootedness while feeling and while thinking, instead of having your rootedness being the feeling and the thinking.

When you give your belief to knowledge, when you are believing knowing however little that knowing seems to be, when you live believing knowing, your self becomes the same. Your self becomes as your heart is. If your heart is rooted and grounded in knowledge, the knowledge of the truth, however little that is, your self slowly becomes experienced in that. As your self becomes experienced in that, you begin to gain stability as a person. You will slowly gain stability in your relationship with your environment and with others. It needs to begin in your heart.

As your sweet relationship with knowing comes up into your face and into your eyes, meaning that it is free to move in your self, your person will then slowly become the same. You won’t be modifying your behavior. Your behavior will slowly transform because of what is occurring in your heart and what you’re letting occur in your self.

The first that you will be liking and loving in this are the tiny touches of being within that you know the truth of. In identifying with that as awareness, you know what you belong to, despite the condition of your self, your person, and your life. In belonging to what seems so tiny within, belonging to that in your heart, you do know your way.

When you are rooted and grounded in what you know the truth of within, as tiny as those touches are, your self will slowly also become rooted and grounded in the same. Your self by that transforms. It develops and it grows. You won’t be rooted and grounded in what you’re experiencing in your self any more, but in the midst of everything that you’re experiencing you’ll be rooted and grounded in what you’re knowing within. That enables you as awareness to give tender guidance to your self. You will know what you’re doing. In your heart you will be clear. You don’t need to be able to understand all of it, but as you’re living this, you will slowly in your self understand more and more what it is that you know you’re being.

Your first liking and loving will be the love of the truth within, the love of what you’re knowing of the tiniest touches of being. As that begins to have your self, you will slowly begin to like your self and you will slowly begin to love your self, not because you’re needing to or trying to, but you will see the touches of being growing in your self. As the development of your own being takes place in your self, that’s what you will be liking and loving in your self. As your self slowly develops that way and there is slowly a oneness, little bits of oneness of your self with your being, you will like and you will love your self.

As you continue in that, there will be tiny little bits of touches of being that have solid form in your person and in your living. As that occurs, you will begin to like your person. You’ will begin to love your person, to like and to profoundly love your living and your life, not because you’re holding to anything at all in your life, but because you’re having your being in your person and in your living. It’s your own presence of being that, in your self and person, will accomplish your love of life. It won’t be the love of life as life is perceived on the surface. It’ll be the love of life because your own being fills it. Then when you seem to lose something in your life, there will be no depletion of being , no lessening of your love of life. The love of life flourishes as much in what you gain in life as in what you lose.

Your being is your life. From within the tiny touches of being in your heart, you are able to move and live as this, despite what kind of self you have, despite the history and conditioning of your self. You’re able to be this and to move as this within such a self, within the person that you are and have become so far, within this life that has been yours.

Love being rooted and grounded in the tiniest little bit within that you know the truth of in your heart. You must live by this tiny little bit in your heart, and as a result, slowly your self and your person and your life will flourish, without that needing to be a result. This isn’t result oriented. This is tiniest little bit within oriented, your whole heart planted in that. The results will come even though you know within that you don’t even really need them.

The experience of pain and hurt doesn’t hinder this at all. Pain and hurt are an occasion within which to have your heart in the tiny little bit, to come from that, even in the midst of pain and hurt. When you’re in the pain and the hurt, believe the tiny little touch of being that may be almost indiscernible, that you know the truth of. Believe your knowledge within that touch of being and you will have your being in the midst of pain and hurt. Having your own being is a tiny little bit at a time. If the tiniest little bit of your own being is enough for you, then you can have your being in the midst of anything that you’re experiencing in your self.

As you encounter your own perceptions in your living, each time you have an experience of something, positive or negative, evaluate that perception to see what it is that you actually know the truth of in that perception. You begin to discover that you’ve been living by your perceptions instead of living by something that you really know the truth of. If that knowledge is in a perception, you will believe that knowledge. Don’t believe the perception on its own.

You begin to realize that you’ve been living as a self that is made up of an entire structure of perceptions. Some of them you know the truth of and that they’re worth believing, but in most of them, you will realize that you’ve given your belief to something that you didn’t actually know the truth of. When you encounter such perceptions, you need to let them go. You need to release them from within your heart. You will begin to live by real knowledge, your own real knowledge.

Q: A false perception, when I discover it, I see it and it can come again with the feeling that it’s true, and I have to do it over and over again?

John: Yes. The reality presented by that perception has become a part of the fabric of your self. It has become structured into every little part of your self. It doesn’t matter how often it comes up. All that really matters in the experience of that is what your heart is rooted and grounded in.

Even if you fall a hundred times in your self , be the tiny little bit that you know the truth of that gets back up a hundred times. It doesn’t matter what it is that falls. It really does matter what it is, in you, that gets back up.

Read moreYour Being Is Your Life