Turning Into The Meaning Of Just One Word

Q: I remember you once speaking to me of the value of just one word and how far it could take me. Would you say more?

John: When you’re really listening and very gentled within, there will always be one word that represents what you are most learning, one word being birthed in you. Then, what is being birthed with that one word is the depth of its meaning. One word slowly turns into a whole universe.

There is a whole gestation period in realizing just one word, in you slowly turning into the meaning of one word. You cannot come up with such a word. Such a word is conceived within your being, and slowly arises within you. Then you live cupping such a word within your heart, holding it as you would a baby, and that one word teaches you, just a holding a baby teaches you … taking care of that word in your heart until it is fully formed, and until you turn into that word.

If that were to happen fully with only one word per year, that would be tremendous inner growth – more than would happen with most in a lifetime.

Q: How could I take care of a word I don’t know, in my heart?

John: When you are entirely gentled within and really listening within, there will be one word in which its meaning speaks what you know, and then you just keep drinking of that one word.  That one word then becomes your mother and your father.

Q: Thank you very much. For now it is ‘love.’

John: You can’t pick the word! A real living word chooses you – you cannot choose one.

A real living word chooses only a very gentled listener because it comes within you so gently and so delicately that if you are not gentled within, you won’t hear it. It is only when such a word is spoken within you that the whole universe responds, and then you see the meaning of that word everywhere. Then the whole universe is, to you, like a mother and a father teaching you.

Even if only one word lives within you for a lifetime, then you have not wasted your life.

 

Gently Letting In Your Past

Q: Sometimes in my connection with you I hit a wall inside. There’s a sense of something bad in me and I wonder about it. When I was eighteen I had an abortion. I was four months pregnant. After the event, I completely cut off from it and put it behind me. I didn’t want to think about it. I realize that somewhere it’s affected my whole life, that on some level I’ve been punishing myself or haven’t really forgiven myself. I never really got down to feeling it. Can you speak about truly forgiving something like that?

John: While being gentle with your self, letting in what you’ve done. While judging nothing, letting your self feel everything, letting what is still in your body move through your thinking and your feeling. Realize what you have done without judging your self. To turn away from what you have done is to shut off from your self.

It is of such value to, very gently, let in everything that you have ever done. Not digging it all up; just no longer resisting any of it. You can only be as deeply open now as you are deeply open to your past. Now includes your past. Your future is as restricted as your responses to your past. Let everything come up as it does, regaining all of your sensitivity back.

Q: How far back does ‘past’ go?

John: As far back as it comes from.

Q: Does that mean memories and knowings that don’t seem to have come from what I’ve known in this particular life?

John: Let in everything while drawing no conclusions: not believing more than what you actually know is true.

 

What You Truly Are Is Grace

Q: I love the truth of what I am beyond my preferences. I can see my inner face in yours and it’s like being in open sunshine. How can I open more to my shadows – those parts of me that I’ve separated from?

John: By seeing the shadows in others – not seeing such shadows with criticism or judgment, but tenderness seeing them. It is only tenderness that has the honesty to see. If someone else’s shadow can in any tiny little way find the same thing in your self, then the shadows of others, instead of being an attraction for irritation, judgment or criticism, are for you a love reflector. It is only surrender nourished by grace that can know such a delicacy. The moment you judge someone else’s shadow then the same thing within your self becomes calloused over. If you ever encounter blame within your self towards someone else, it is only you that is to blame, without being able to see it. Anything other than love destroys everything.

Being annoyed by anything is an anesthetic to grace and goodness. If you wish to know your shadows, you can find them behind every little thing that ever annoys you. If you ever get angry, you are creating total eclipse. When others are angry or annoyed with you, let such energy very gently open all your doors instead of you pulling down the shutters. Then, everything that could ever aggravate you, annoy you or make you angry is, for surrender, an incredible source of grace.

This is you loving the sun within, not just when it warms you but while something that is not the sun acts on you, making you feel cold. It’s loving the sun within in the cold, enjoying the tiniest flower in someone while they are hurting you, while they make you feel uncomfortable. It is such enjoyment of that in them that removes what is of their shadow within you. As long as you are justified in absolutely anything that bothers you, that is not just you unable to see your own shadow, but you protecting yourself from seeing it. Let annoyance be love that kisses you with broken lips. It is only your tenderness toward it that is ointment for it.

What you truly are is grace. Without your absolute surrender to being in your heart and that being what it knows, your true nature will not show. Without total surrender to what tiny little bit you know, you will never be truly gracious. It is only graciousness – you being grace – that is grace, blossoming. It is only total honesty, within, that enables you to see the door, within, to grace, and it is only total surrender that can fully open that door. Then it is no longer about feeling good in what you know is true. Surrender enables you to be the goodness in what you know is true even if being the goodness seems to be only in tiny, tiny measures. That is the space into which your heart goes, however little seems to be there. You not just fully drinking in goodness when you feel it, but when you cannot feel it; you letting goodness drink you. That’s what surrender is. It is such a relationship with goodness that turns you into it. Such a relationship with goodness makes you very gracious.

It is only goodness and graciousness that is free. Freedom doesn’t exist anywhere else. It is only love that is free. It is knowing love that gives you the taste of freedom, but it is only in being love that you are freedom. It is one thing to know it. It is, again, another thing to really feel it, and it is very much another thing to be it. Each comes with a price: varying degrees of you relating only to what you know regardless of the experiences within your mind, regardless of what you think or feel about anything. Through surrender, letting love completely slay you; letting every little annoyance in your life turn into an invitation for love to slay you.

That is what dissolves every core belief within you that blocks out the sunlight within you.

 

What Is Real Love?

Q: What is real love?

John: It is the most wonderful, life-giving and healing energy in the universe. It cannot comprehend frustration. It cannot be bothered or bugged. It cannot be frustrated, because love is not frustration. It cannot be provoked to be anything other than love. It doesn’t try to be itself: it cannot be anything other than itself. It is kindness and tenderness without thought, without willfulness. It does not self-reflect. It does not consider itself. It doesn’t think: it doesn’t need to think; it already is. It has no end, so something that is not being love can push it and push it and push it, and it always, without thought or willfulness, remains the same. Pressure never changes it; pressure only reveals its depth and its endlessness.  

Love flourishes in fire. Anything that is not love always squirms in fire: it resists, it argues and complains, it gets frustrated, it gets nasty, it judges, it projects. When anything other than love is in the fire, it is everything other than lovely. Fire is the grand revealer of what is love and what is not. The hotter the fire the more love flows and shines, and when anything other than love is in the fire, the hotter the fire the more that it screams and voices its torment within. With anything other than love that is in the fire, it produces inner dialogue. Love has no inner dialogue. It doesn’t need to think to be; it is already being. It needs no thought to be sustained and yet it can most wonderfully express itself through thought. Love cannot comprehend what a complaint is.

When love dies, when it returns to its own source, it does so without the slightest squeak. When love dies and returns to its source it does not leave a single trace. When truth is still, then there is no love. There is nothing but truth. You cannot see it, you cannot feel it, you cannot find it, but the moment that truth moves … just ever so slightly … then love exists. The movement of truth is love.

Love is the manifestation of truth and there is no other. You’re incapable of doing it. When you’re being truth, the fruit of that is love.

 

 

Living and Loving From Your Real Bond … With Everyone

Q: I would like to speak to you about my parents. When I was sixteen my father died, and for the last two years of his life I’d had no contact with him. My parents got divorced when I was fourteen and, because my mother gave me much more ground to stand on, I moved in with her. She had the strong feeling that my father would be a bad influence on me. My parents had a lot of fights before she eventually moved out and I took on her beliefs. He unexpectedly fell ill and died; we were out of the country, and the funeral was over before I knew he’d died. He just slipped out of my life. As I grew up I didn’t any longer believe what my mother believed about him and I would very much like to find him more deeply, to feel the bond that I have with him more clearly.

John: Every night that you lie down to go to sleep, lie down in the underlying connectivity that’s there with him. Lie down and go to sleep in the bond that’s there with him. In that way, each time you lie down to go to sleep, you’re getting to know him: not his self, not his person, not his personality – just him. And let him come everywhere into you.

Q: I don’t need any kind of memory, first?

John: That’s right. Lie down in your openness to him. Go to sleep in your openness to him. You don’t need to know him. You don’t need to get to know him. You don’t need any information. You’re just going to sleep in your openness to him. Everything that you’re open to is good.

Q: And the relationship to my mother? Deep down there is a lot of love toward her which sometimes flows, but on the surface there is some confusion, having grown up on her ground. So much has changed that now it seems that it’s for her to find my ground than for me stay on hers. That feels strange because she’s my mother. I don’t know how to be with her.

John: As you know that your ground is more than what she has, that makes you functionally more like her older brother or her father, where in your relationship with her you walk in a much greater perspective that just sees and understands. There’s nothing there for you to do.

Q: So when I have a clear sense that what’s she’s coming from is not the same as I come from, that’s okay and I can really relax into my ground?

John: Don’t even see it as your ground or her ground. What you see is deeper and more settled ground and, as you walk on that ground, through your walk it extends to her. The energy of it is offered to her.

Q: It’s really so clear that if I would not let things flow in this way then I would distract the relationship. There is just the deep where this love can really flow free. Then we can really be together; every time I meet her we can be open.

John: While you’re together, like seeing that her ground is not hers and your ground is not yours. View it without any kind of ownership, that there’s nothing there in you to make clear to her.

Q: And we’re both belonging to the same. Our relationship is liberated no matter how things act out on the surface. In the deep there is just this liberation in how we are.

John: Also open to anyone in your past whom you have cut off from.

Q: Do you mean friends, or anyone?

John: Even someone whom you might not have really known, but you would just see that person’s exterior or their behaviour and you would cut off and leave them energetically with a judgment on them. Anywhere where you’ve done that, let that one into you. Not their self or their person, but what is inwardly there: her or him.

Q: That’s lovely. I see that and I love that.

John: Anyone in your past who you’ve had a bitterness toward, which is different from someone who you would cut off – it’s someone who you’d be negatively engaging within your interior – anyone you’ve had bitterness toward, sweetly let her or him into you.

Q: I can do this with them or when I’m alone and they are not around?

John: They don’t need to be around. And then anyone in your past, not who you’ve cut off and not who you’ve been bitter toward, but those who you just didn’t like – anyone who you had dislike toward. As you open into all of this, you’ll see differently when you meet people. Where you’d normally have a reason to cut someone off or to be bitter toward someone, or just have a dislike, all of that passes away and what remains is your delicate seeing, your seeing without the influence of past judgment, past ways of reacting, past ways of seeing. What you are then as you meet people is goodness that sees. Your seeing is no longer determined by what someone else is like. That deeply opens your self and it frees your self to be like your being.

Q: I can see that so clearly. I can feel a deep relaxation in my whole body. It’s like being together with everyone; having this deep core relaxedness.

John: When you’re with your wife, have no private space within – a place you go to when you cut off a little bit, or when you’re just a little bit bitter, a space reserved for just you, your thoughts, and your feelings, a space where she’s not welcome, a private space that you’d go into and just have some dislike for her. Have no such private space. When you enter in the tiniest little ways such private space, you step into blindness. You’re projecting onto her something that is yours, something that hasn’t yet been cleaned out in your self, something that you haven’t dealt with in your self.

Q: I am aware of very subtle ways I do that with her. With friends I’m aware of bigger things, like being numb around them.

John: Just let it expose whatever it exposes. There’s nothing there to deal with, sort out or work with. The relaxation that allows you to feel it and see it is the same that frees. The beingness that you’re in exposes it by contrast. What is exposed doesn’t require your attention. The beingness that you’re in will just keep doing what it does. Your hand isn’t required in that.

Q: That’s so lovely. It’s really just deeper and deeper love beneath all that, which really liberates all of these holdings and makes this flow between me and everyone else real again.

John: Every little judgment, right down to the tiniest touches that are quiet within, the judgments that are as light as a blink: you see something in someone, you see something in yourself, and there’s a tiny blink of “oh, that’s such-and-such” or “that’s this-or-that”. The littlest of them, as they are in your self and you move with them, all represent an inner network that separates you, awareness, from what you really are as awareness. Every tiny little touch of it is blinding. You need absolutely none of it.

In being in that, that leaves you in your self completely naked and that nakedness is subject to everything. Everything touches it. You feel everything without judgment. Everything goes into you. Anything that has access into you, you do nothing with. The littlest judgment keeps it in you. Where there is no emotional tightening concerning anything, everything that touches you doesn’t stay on you, and everything that comes into you, regardless of what it feels like, doesn’t stay in you. You are not being corrupted by your own tightening. You’re being cleaned by your opening and your softening.

Q: That is so important for me to hear because I belong to …

John: To what can’t even relate to that … innocence.

Q: Thank you.

How To Argue Well

Q: I don’t want to stay in my patterned ways of relating, and the best way I know is not to let arguments persist.

John: For arguments to become fewer you would have to learn to argue well. For you to learn to argue well is for you to use everything that you are in support of clarity coming through. In a good argument, no one wins but clarity.

Q: I’ve experienced that. There was no emotion; there was straightness and I was in my feet. I saw that as not standing in myself but in the inner me. Is that true?

John: Study those qualities by caring for them. In learning how to argue well you would have to develop well, developing your heart and your mind because of your eagerness to be true.

Q: What do you mean by “argue well”?

John: For you to learn to argue well you cannot use your will, either in strength or in weakness. It is just you intricately applying what you know, with all of your heart, through all of your mind. It is a skill of kindness to learn. Without it clarity cannot make its point.

It is essential to be moving in a direction of having good arguments. Love, moving through the mind, argues so well. It is all for the sake of clarity. It begins in your heart with what you know, then see that it moves through your mind without a catch – without you getting stuck. Begin with what is clear in your heart and then gently, but surely, apply it. It is about applying simplicity in complex things.

The Echo of Tenderness Into Eternity

Q: I have this question about innocence. All those things that we do to our selves and to other people … do they leave marks? Do they go away?

John: Never. Did you see the movie ‘The Gladiator’? What he said is true: that everything that you do now echoes through eternity.

Q: So you just let it echo?

John: That’s acceptance. When you, in tenderness, let what you’ve done to your self, to your being, to others … when you let that, in tenderness, echo through eternity then it is that tenderness that echoes around that for eternity. It will take all of eternity for you to realize.

Q: Can you say more?

John: It will take all of eternity for you to realize how pregnant every little action of yours is. We make it all so small by justifying what we do, rationalizing things. Then we take something that is so endlessly huge, such as a single action in one moment, and we manage to reduce it to nothing, and in that we become calloused. We lose our innocence. Innocence feels and is in touch with, in largeness, the smallness of every little thing.

It’s only innocence that knows the echo of things.

Q: Did I know that echo when I was running around like a bull in a china shop?

John: Way deep down, but not on the surface. It was so deep down because it was that far away that you needed to push it. If it would get any closer it would interfere with your life. It would interfere with what you wanted. Desperation to control pushes the knowing of the echo away.

While you’re still on the earth plane you can push such echoes away with more action: awareness invested in action, making yourself busy about nothing. Then we manage to do much talking that has no meaning. That is awareness invested in action, just to keep the echo away. When we let the echo in that is when the old begins to die. When you let the echo in, all that remains is what is new and then even old echoes will touch only what is new, which again creates a very different echo – one that is not coarse.

Once you leave the earth plane you can no longer delude yourself and then the echo pierces you. All that it will touch within you is tenderness. The echo of meaningless words, meaningless action; the echo from that will forever, in tenderness, pierce your heart because you’ll see it for what it really is instead of how you may have wanted to see it.

Q: Are they meaningless because they are empty?

John: They’re meaningless because they were used to cover something. That makes them empty, then we use words to accomplish something other than their actual meaning. Then our energy and our words don’t match.

Any action that arises out of openness or softness also echoes throughout eternity, and after you leave this earth plane such echoes will always, in tenderness, pierce you as well, because then you’ll see your own heart. You’ll see the movement of gold in it. You’ll be moved by the meaning of what you were being.

When a bug crawls across the ground, its every step affects in fineness the entire universe. The actions of a consciousness such as we are affects the whole universe in a way that is so much larger, you could never measure it. Innocence can feel that. It’s only innocence that can let that in.

The Opening of Pure, Clean Sexuality

Q: Sexuality has been a challenge for me my whole life. You have spoken about the fire of sexuality. I know a little of that, but for many years it hasn’t felt like that at all. I’ve experienced reduced potency and this has created disturbances in relationship. Now there is almost no sexuality in my life and I’ve enjoyed not having to worry about it. I don’t feel inclined to be sexual with anyone else, but without moving it in my life, how can I continue to go deeper? I feel I need to come towards my sexuality from something different.

John: The opening of pure sexuality, clean sexuality, comes with the opening of your heart and it isn’t focused on sexuality; it isn’t focused on sexuality as you’ve understood it. As you unconditionally, at any personal expense, return to your heart and everything that’s deeper, your deeper sexuality begins to open which is different from your hormonal sexuality.

Your deeper sexuality is the movement of your being through your heart that moves as meaning in you to another, in you to others, and in you to everything. It’s what enables you to directly meet something or someone. It’s what enables you to meet and commune.

As your deeper sexuality opens, it brings your opened heart up into your face and into your eyes and it shifts your whole perception of reality. It changes how you see others. It’s your return to your innocence and then it’s how you relate from within your innocence to others regardless of how they treat you, regardless of what they’re like. It means that you are naturally predisposed to meet with others and to commune. Because from there your heart is up into your face and up into your eyes, you’re able to find the same in anyone regardless of how covered-up their heart is. Because it’s up into your face and up into your eyes, you can see it in others. Within that, there is a natural movement of your heart, in your face, in your eyes, toward others.

Q: Can I do this on my own? Does it take loving, intimate relationship?

John: You don’t need it. The intimacy is intimacy of being that’s free to move in all of your heart and that’s free to move in your face, the interior of your face, and in your eyes in everything that you see. It returns you to where you left off when you left your innocence when you were really little.

Q: So is that the purpose of sexuality, in the end?

John: The purpose of sexuality is for you to move as a being, physically, so to make that meeting and that communion physical through your sexuality – through your hormonal sexuality. The premise of this is that your sexuality, as with everything else, doesn’t belong to your self; it belongs, through your heart, to your being. Kept for your self, through attraction or aversion, puts it out of balance.

Q: You’re talking about a return to innocence and opening the heart?

John: That’s everything. As you return to where you left off, and as you develop from within your innocence in the present state of your self and your life, as everything is being returned through your heart, present in your life to your being, your sexuality will re-awaken. It’ll re-awaken because of the movement of your being. As your being gets to have everything else, it will also come into your sexuality. It’s like you coming into a second puberty.

Q: I’ve had glimpses of that. So I can actively do this on my own?

John: Instead of your body and your self coming into puberty, your being, through your body and your self, comes into puberty. The meaning of hormonal sexuality isn’t the same.

Your sexuality is your greatest human power. It isn’t a power of your self. It’s a power of your humanness, which is exclusive to the heart. That power doesn’t belong to your self. Used for your self it goes out of balance. Given to your being, it empowers your being. It’s the greatest human power you have that has reach into your deeper levels, that has reach into all of your being and is able to bring your being right up into the physical, into your self, into the person. Your sexuality, given to your being, has unlimited reach. It’s reach is directly into meaning and it has unlimited capacity to express meaning that it has reached into.

Impotence is symptomatic of a lack of meaning in sexuality. It’s a self, a physical self condition. It isn’t a human condition. There’s only one real and direct aphrodisiac and that’s meaning. It’s not the meaning of your self: it begins with the meaning of your heart, and from there, all of the levels of your being, all of the meaning of being. As you move in that, that directly awakens your sexuality. In that way, your sexuality is given back to your being.

Q: Can it be that at a very early stage I experienced a lack of meaning around sexuality? I always wondered what it was really about. Or have I turned away from it because of pain or shame?

John: That didn’t occur because of something happening. That occurred because of what you were being in what happened. When what you were being was different from your own being, then through a distorted beingness, or a tightness of being, you separated from what was real. That alters your perception and experience of sexuality. For each self that manifests differently, but in every self it manifests as a lack of meaning.

Q: Does this mean that I should not involve myself in another relationship until I’ve grown deeper into my own heart and being?

John: Yes. Because if you start a new relationship you’ll use how you relate in your self to others – you’ll use your training – to be in relationship. It will all be sweetly dusted with touches in your heart, but what will be predominant is your self.

Q: That sounds like most relationships!

John: Anyone in relationship through their conditioning develops a conditioned relationship. It can have elements and touches of realness but it’s not a real relationship. A real relationship is from the inside out, with two. It’s based on real meeting, real communion, and there’s never anything in the way. It’s based on beings together, through the heart, all manifested directly in the self, in the person, in the body.

Q: And that goes for both, which means that I would have to find someone who is coming from the heart and the being.

John: Basically, you become, from the inside out, the kind of being, heart, self and person that you would most want to marry. It doesn’t have to take very long. The quicker it is, the more disturbing it is.

Q: Does it also imply that at that stage you might be just as happy on your own?

John: Yes. Then, the only reason that you would enter a relationship is because you are deeply, quietly clear. The impetus doesn’t come from your self; it comes from a depth of clarity that’s made of knowing. It has no polarization in it. It has no charge in it – nothing positive, nothing negative. It’s you, as a being, freely seeing, in your forms, someone else and being clear from the inside out to be together for what you are clearly coming from. It isn’t for reasons of relationship.

It’s in the same way that you came into relationship with your mother when you were in her body. You didn’t come into relationship with her as a self or as a person; you didn’t have one. You came into relationship as a being. It wasn’t on her terms; it was on yours and as you moved as a being you got right into her. She didn’t comprehend. She just quietly knew. All of it bypassed her self, her personality and her whole life: two beings together in one body. There begins the model of real relationship.

Q: That makes total sense.

John: To see how sexuality moves as a being, you get a little idea in seeing a baby smile. When a baby smiles at you, through the unseen levels in the baby the baby moves in them and expresses through its self that is already developing, and reaches way into you. Not just meeting: the baby enters you, accesses you and elicits a response, and any little bit that is open in you, the baby reaches in and gets you.

Hormonal sexuality belongs to that movement.

How Can I Help Myself During a Panic Attack?

Q: Lately I have been having panic attacks. I’ve had anxieties as long as I can remember and I feel I’ve trained my nervous system this way. I wish I could let go more and relax, like a child in her mother’s arms. Can you help me with what to do when this panic comes up in daily life, when I’m at work or with other people? It scares me.

John: Your nervous system in distress is like your child. As that’s occurring you are like your child’s deeply quieted mother and, as that, your distressed child looks to you and listens to you. Your distressed nervous system is really calling out to a different level of you than what you are being in your nervous system, which created the distress in the first place.

What creates the distress in your nervous system isn’t the pressureful circumstance that you’re in. It isn’t the lack in your self. It’s what you’re being in that, you being the same as what you’re experiencing instead of being what is just a little bit deeper than you’re experiencing. Then, instead of you being distressing to your nervous system, you are a little bit like ointment to it.

Q: What would that look like? I often feel as if I’m trying at that point to be a little bit deeper, but it’s still quite hard for me not to believe what I’m experiencing so strongly.

John: It’s a little bit like you being what sounds like “mmmmm” in the midst of what is “ouch”, instead of you being “ouch” in what is “ouch”. Despite what is “ouch”, find even the tiniest little bit of “mmmmm”. If you’re open to find it, it’s there.

Q: I can do that.

A Real Foundation For Relationship

Q: I’d like you to help me look deeper at a pattern of mine. I keep falling in love with men who seemingly don’t want a committed relationship. I can see the reflection of my own lack of commitment and maybe even lack of loving, yet I do feel that the love is very genuine.  

John: The love for …?

Q: The man, and the love for truth.

John: Leave out the first one! Let your whole life turn into the second one. Without your whole life turning into the love of the truth, you won’t be with a man rightly.  You’re trying to find, from a man, what you lack in the love of the truth. When you’re going to a man and trying to find in him what you’re lacking within, that is exactly the kind of man who will be attracted to you, so you’ll be teaching each other the lesson that each of you needs to learn: that you cannot find, without, what you’re lacking within. It will never stop until you do, but for you to stop will have you facing everything that you’ve been running away from.  

The only part of you that can have a real relationship with a man is the part of you that doesn’t need to. Very gently leave alone that which you want the very most. When you think that you’re ready to be in a relationship with a man, then be open to be in relationship without it being at all physical. If you find that disturbing then you’re not ready to be in a relationship with a man. You can only handle being physical when you can first handle not being physical. The more that you relate to the physical in a relationship, the shorter that relationship will last. It’s not going to stop until you do.  

Q: I can see I need to stop the neediness part, but loving from the heart, too?

John: Loving from the heart, but not using that to get from a man what you can only have within. If you cannot have it alone, within, with neediness quieted, then you will not be able to sustain it without. The ‘I’, being in right relationship with what it knows, is much easier than the ‘I’ being in a real relationship with another. The more that you gravitate to what is actually more difficult the more that you are avoiding what is actually easiest within.

Let your own foundation heal and come together rightly, then you can join, healthfully, with another.