Building A Bomb-Proof Relationship

Excerpts from two cafe conversations on building a real relationship:

Q: I am wondering whether a relationship I am in is real, and whether we’re a match. Can you help me figure this out?

John: To simplify it, stay away from being sexually physical. It’s not for moral reasons; it’s for practical reasons, because as soon as you build a fire everything is about the fire. If you build a relationship without building a fire, it’s much more stark and very simple, but then what you’re in the relationship for is really clear.

Q: It’s difficult to stop once you’re in a relationship that’s already become sexual.

John: It won’t be difficult once you’re married; you’ll stop it easily. Familiarity easily ends it all, whereas when you’re in the newness, all you want is the fire.  

Basically, don’t have sex until you’re married, and it’s not for old ideas or old reasons. It goes way deeper than that. It’s just very practical and it works, whereas the other doesn’t work. It isn’t that there’s something wrong with fire, it’s that the relationship is not ready for a fire.

Q: How do you know if you’re a match or not?

John: If you don’t know, then spend lots of time together without the fire. Then you’re basically developing a friendship until it becomes clear to you – really clear to both of you – that you would really marry. As soon as that’s clear, that’s where your relationship starts, whereas before that it’s a friendship.

Once the relationship starts, then continue to leave out the physical because the fire will just take over the whole relationship. It will burn high and then come down. Then, once you get married and familiarity sets in, the most difficult part is to have a fire at all. It’s a lot easier to do without the fire initially than later to try to build up a fire, where everything in your selves makes it difficult.

Building a relationship without the fire is what you need to be able to build a fire in a familiar relationship.

Q: What do you say about being physical in other ways, like hugging, holding hands or kissing?

John: If you hug, then you hug as friends and you know the difference. If you cross that line, then you’re starting a little fire and that fire will build quickly. If you introduce a fire to discover each other on a friendship level to see if there’s a worthy relationship or a worthy marriage, that will distract you.

Q: What is the difference between a friendship and a relationship? If I keep sexuality out of the relationship, what is the difference between that and friendship? Is it only the commitment?

John: The commitment, and an unending depth of dearness that you give into toward each other.

Q: I’m surprised how often I can fall down and out of the dearness.

John: Falling down doesn’t matter. What matters is the manner in which you get back up, and how quickly you get back up. How quickly do you open and soften? That’s what matters. See how practical where you’re coming from is on a self-level, because in a relationship it’s intensely practical. It’s what makes or breaks a relationship.  

Have a deep friendship in discovering each other. Dig into each other. Find out how the other deals with pressure and with personal cost.

Q: What would be the reason for a marriage or a committed relationship?

John: That you would have deeper level reasons for getting married, not surface level reasons.

Q: How does this translate to the deeper levels? Is it to do with dearness?

John: Deeper level seeing. This isn’t something that’s common; it’s a most unusual way of relationship coming together, but it’s the kind that works. The easy way that relationships come together is the way they won’t work.

Q: In the past I’ve experienced that fire coming up when there’s been deep attraction, and I’ve also known relationships with less fire but a lot of dearness – more like a heart connection, and maybe sexually not so strong.

John: That’s better, and then take it one step further.

Q: What would that step be?

John: Deeper levels.

Q: And if I don’t see that deeper level connection maybe it’s not there?

John: If you don’t see it then you’re probably not moving in it, or the two of you are probably not moving in it. If you’re moving in it, you’ll see it.

Q: Can you see if I’m moving in it?

John: It doesn’t matter what I see; it matters what you see and she sees. Surface compatibility is not your ground.

Q: What do you mean by “surface compatibility”?

John: That you like each other and enjoy spending time together, lots of meaningful interactivity. That’s not your ground. Your ground has to be that you’re both coming from the same place regarding truth and depth – you’re both coming from the same place, moving in the same direction and that’s your life. It’s on that that you build your whole relationship.

Q: I can sense that in her. She has that aspect.

John: She has that aspect but that’s not her life. Everyone has that aspect.

Q: Sometimes it takes time to sink into it.

John: If it’s not solidly there, in a way that you can give it a really good shake and it’s just solid, I wouldn’t have that relationship. As soon as a friendship is coming together and that foundation gets shaken, for me that would end the possibility of a relationship right there. I wouldn’t live on any kind of hope, such as “oh, she’ll grow, she’ll develop, she’ll come around.” There, hope is a deceiver.

Q: I’m confused, because at the beginning there was a sense of huge potential.

John: Easily, and it doesn’t necessarily mean very much. Set up the circumstances just right, and you can find streams of being, movement of deeper levels, depth and heart in almost anyone. Apply a little bit of pressure and 90% of everyone falls off. Apply more pressure, and the percentage of those who are still there becomes less and less.

What I’m referring to is a bomb-proof relationship: how to start it, how to build it, how to keep it.

Q: Anything less than that you don’t recommend.

John: You would have a bomb-proof relationship, or you don’t need a relationship. Don’t start with something faulty and try to make it better, nor have hope that she’ll come around.

Most relationships are not real relationships, they’re contractual relationships: mutual exploitation with some heart and maybe some deeper levels mixed into it, but they go by the wayside as soon as there’s pressure.

In an average relationship, as soon as there’s pressure there’s a fight, whereas in a real relationship, as soon as there’s pressure the deep shows up because that’s where each goes. That’s where they’re drawing from.


Dark Energies And Your Untouchable Heart

Q: I want to get clear about what seems like a demon that repeatedly comes in bringing pain, as if to say, “now you have to look at it.” Are there, perhaps, dark energies? How can I be with them?

John: Yes, there are dark energies and they can only work with you, influence and be a part of you when you‘re feeding your conditioning.

Q: So when I don’t feed them they have no entrance?

John: Yes.

Q: Is it the same when there are people with this energy around them?

John: Yes.

Q: How exactly can I not feed it?

John: First, by you not needing protection from it. The need of protection from it attracts it.

Q: When I am aware that it could be starting to come in, what should I do?

John: As soon as you see that it’s starting to come in, just sweetly humble your self. When you give the importance that you’ve invested in your self back to your heart, you’re sweetly humbling your self.

Q: So there’s no need for investigation or finding my self. I can humble my self without this.

John: Your self comes after your heart, but if you put your self before your heart, you fool your self, you blind your self, and you make your self vulnerable to every separate kind of beingness that you’re now being in it. 

You don’t need to find your self. Just find your heart. When you find your heart, all is good regardless of how bad everything might seem to be.

Q: But I fear presenting this darkness and danger with my vulnerable heart.

John: Present it.

Q: Really?

John: Dark energy can only have and commune with dark energy.

Q: So it’s really possible to do this with an innocent, vulnerable heart?

John: It’s untouchable.

Q: Okay. And what about the temptation to protect myself?

John: Let go of your dark energy. As soon as you’re tempted by anything, you’re being dark energy.

Q: Otherwise there would be no hook?

John: Yes. An open and a soft heart cannot be tempted. You can present it to any dark energy and it can’t be tempted. It can’t be corrupted. Temptation exists when you disagree with what you know in your heart.

Q: And if there’s a tiny step in the direction of temptation, it’s possible to let go of the dark energies and go back to the heart?

John: Yes.

Q: It’s really never too late, however complicated it seems?

John: That’s right. There’s only one “too late”: if you’re feeding your conditioning and you die.

Q: “Too late” because then there’s no body anymore?

John: Yes. The opportunity of being in a body is gone.

Q: The opportunity for what?

John: To be one with what you know in the midst of an environment that isn’t the same as what you know the truth of, and that isn’t the same as your own being.

Q: And not to be tempted and corruptible.

John: As soon as you’re tempted by anything, that’s wonderful. Right there, you know exactly what to let go of: to let go of what you’re holding on to and respond to your heart, respond into what you know in your heart and from there you respond right into your being.

Q: This is like fulfilling life.

John: Yes, deeply.

Q: Then it’s not to do with whether what’s happening is right or not.

John: Yes. If you are wrongfully thrown into prison and you’re upset with that, the dark energies are saying “the party’s over here!” until, in prison, you sweetly humble your self. There, you’re transferring the sense of entitlement that you have in your self to fair treatment straight to your heart, and your heart is entitled to have you.

Being wrongfully imprisoned doesn’t stop you from being in your heart and it doesn’t stop you from accessing and manifesting all of your being in that kind of environment. Then, while you’re wrongfully in prison you are so free. You’re free to be everything that you’re actually in a body for. Put a being in unfair or hostile treatment and that being thrives.  

A being flourishes as well in the best or worst environment. It doesn’t have a preference. An unintegrated self relates to preference. An integrated self relates in the same way that a being relates.

Q: It sounds so simple! Can we be aware of this all the time?

John: If you are, as awareness, honest to the core – yes. If you’re more honest to your self than to your person, more honest to your heart than to your self, and more honest to what you know in your heart than your own heart, that puts you right into your being. Honesty to your being fulfills your heart, your self and your person.

Q: So it’s good to stay connected to the clear frequency of my being all the time as I move through the world, and to respond instantly.

John: Yes.

Q: What happens if I die in this clear state?

John: The next for you will have a larger spectrum.

If you live for your self instead of for what you know in your heart, then in the next you will be perfect love in a smaller spectrum. It doesn’t matter what you’re being in this life – one with what you know or separate from what you know. After you’ve died you will be perfect love. The difference won’t show in the love you are. The difference will show in the spectrum of being that you’re in. 

What it makes a real difference in, after you’ve died, is your mobility, not the love that you really are. That won’t have a limit to it, but there will be a limit to your mobility.

Q: But then I’ll have no body.

John: Yes, you’ll have a body. You’ll have all of the levels of your own being. You’ll have a multi-level body that’s limited in its mobility, or open in its mobility. But either way, it’s a body of love. It’s like the difference between a tiny little cup, full, and an enormous container, full. Whatever you’re being in this life determines your next. Not your next life, but your next.

Q: So suicide or giving up because it seems too dark and complicated isn’t a solution because of how it determines what’s next. Is that right?

John: Yes. But you can’t judge that by what it looks like. It’s all determined by your relationship, as awareness, to what you know the truth of.

There’s only one real way for anyone, and that’s full response to the truth within, regardless of what self you have, what past you have and what circumstances you’re in.

Q: And you can’t judge anyone, because human beings come with different packages and possibilities.

John: Yes. It isn’t possible to be a disadvantaged awareness. You have no advantages or disadvantages. What you have is your response to what you know. That’s what evolves you.

Q: So always be in response to this connection. I see. Thank you.

Fifty-Two Living Concepts: What Words Are For

Q: You have been talking about the intellect. I’m not an intellectual type; I’m more oriented to feeling.

John: Yet you have an intellect and you can use that to help that which you already know, and you can also feel.

Q: I can feel what you mean, but if I had to put it in words, I wouldn’t know where to start.

John: Then on your own, love beginning. Use your intellect sensitively to give structure to what you feel of what you know. Write down what you already understand of what you know, and then before you finish make sure that what you are writing makes perfectly good sense. Then use that same approach in dealing with your issues. Cherish exploring how delicate and sensitive reason can be.

The discovery of your intellect is the discovery of reason, so that you can give delicate structure to the little bit that you know in your heart.

Q: When I go there, I go into a silence where there are no words, no intellectual understanding.

John: Then put it to words. Being able to feel what you know means that there already is form to what you know. Use your intellect to add even more fitting form. This has nothing to do with you becoming an intellectual; it has everything to do with you already having an intellect and already having what you know. Bring everything that you have together in one place, all for what you know in your heart.

Come to love your intellect because it is able to so delicately help what you know. It doesn’t matter where you begin. Do delicately begin. Don’t use being unskilled in the use of your intellect for not beginning. As unskilled as you are in the use of your intellect, delicately begin using it and never stop.

Q: In favour of feeling?

John: No. In favour of what you know in your heart, and that you also feel.

Q: Would that be putting my intellect ahead of my heart?

John: No. Bring your intellect into your heart, so that you can give lovely form to what you know in your heart; so that you can say what you know in a way that anyone can understand, even someone with an unskilled intellect. You are not too old for this.

Q: But how can I put into words that which is beyond words?

John: It’s not beyond words; it is what words are for. Love finding the words for what you say is unspeakable. That is what your intellect is for. Bring words into your heart and see where they most appropriately fit, and then love how they fit.

Use your intellect to bring from your whole week one word into your heart and see how deeply its meaning goes. If you do that for a whole year, you’ll be able to give words to the little bit that you do know in your heart.

Each week, in choosing a different word, choose a word that you would most admire in being. Choose a word that would be most meaningful to embody and then take an entire week to discover its meaning. Do so with real devotion. Each word represents a concept so deep and vast that after a whole lifetime you’ll know that you have only solidly begun.

There is a world in a word and in a being. Love being that being. One word is able to house you – one a week. At the end of a year you’ll have fifty-two living concepts that so wonderfully fit what you know, through which you can speak what you know: fifty-two worlds that you have lived consciously and through your intellect in your heart.

You still won’t be an intellectual, but you’ll have an intellect that knows.

Q: I really look forward to that.

John: Look forward to this week.

Q: I started already. 

John: What is the word?

Q: Gentledness. That’s what I am experiencing most strongly at the moment.

John: As you choose each new word, remain encompassing and being encompassed by each previous word, using your intellect to encompass and to be encompassed by meaning. And love that such meaning can govern your person.

The Calling And The Awakening Of The Planet

Q: For some time I’ve been getting a sense of the “us” as the form of the one being, and that you’re pivotal in moving “us” into form as the one being. It seems to be opening up more and more. I wondered if you could fill out something about the connectivity of “us” and how it relates to the calling, or what you are coming from?

John: What I’m bringing together through the movement of being, particularly its deeper levels, is the forming of a body of being in so many of us, where a being on the level of form that we’re familiar with in our selves is having a body through which to move in everything that is seen.

As this begins to form in so many, what also comes about in the movement of that is our body of being – our being manifested in us, visibly. A one body of being. In moving as one body of being, in being what we know all in levels deeper than our selves but manifested in our selves, we move each other.

We don’t just move with each other. In you moving what moves you that is of your being, we are moved, and our listening is becoming attuned to that. If anyone moves as a being, we move. It is so beautifully delicate, and increasingly less fragile.

Q: What I know in those experiences of connectivity is that that is the seen level, but there’s much more happening under my radar.

John: Yes.

Q: And this is for this world, in preparation for what the calling is bringing?

John: It isn’t at all for this world. It is all for our humanness.

Q: But it would have an effect on this world?

John: It has effect on our humanness. As that really catches in this world, it will destabilize this world. Our humanness is real. This world, in how it’s configured and what holds it together, is artificial and temporary.

Q: Perhaps I should be using the words “this planet” instead of “this world,” but humanness belongs on this planet. Is that one small form of the calling or is there much, much more?

John: Inasmuch as it opens in our humanness, which is in the heart, the rest of the planet awakens. We are the power-holders. Without the power-holders home, the rest of the planet isn’t going to really open.

Q: I’m knowing the urgency and immediacy, so as we come in closer to that vortex, the responsibility as beings and hearts heightens and intensifies?

John: Until we are cornered, or we might begin to listen to what we know within.

As we come into the vortex and the vortex is our life, as the vortex is being embodied, present, in person, it begins to set the tone in the planet and to that the beingness of the planet responds.

Q: The first embodiment and the responsibility is in the little details of our life coming in the clearest beingness?

John: If you be this in the little things, you will be this in the big things that come along.