A Life-Change For Your Marriage: Loving Your Husband From A Deeper You

Q: I feel as if I’m in the biggest crisis of my life. I’ve been married for twenty years, and thirty years ago I was in love with a man twenty years older than me. He was married, with children. A few years ago he called me and our love is still there. My husband knows about him. It’s so hard to choose between these two men. I need your help! And recently the word “stay” has been coming to me.

John: Stay in your relationship with your husband. You’re with him. There’s a lot of form that you’ve committed to, that you’ve lived in in being with him, but shift in how you are with him. In what opens in you toward your previous lover, open that way toward your husband. 

Q: Are you saying that I should stay with my husband?

John: Yes. Stay with your husband, but you shift inside to be like what you are toward this other man: the way that you open inside, the way that you shift, the way that you change, the way that you blossom inside and start to move toward him. Be that way, shift like that, but toward your husband. 

Open and be the way you are toward this other man, but all toward your husband. 

Q: I’m not sure I understand.

John: If you were to give a colour of what you are, inside, to your husband – is there a colour? 

Q: Yes.

John: You don’t have to say the colour, but you have that colour in mind?

Q: Yes.

John: And the way you are toward this other man, a past lover, is a different colour. 

Q: Yes.

John: Okay. Be that colour. Change colours and be that colour to your husband. Stay with your husband and be a completely different colour. It’s quite a change. 

The way you are toward this other man, that whole circumstance brings up something very different in your self. It has a greater depth in your self than what you have toward your own husband. The answer isn’t in the other man, but when you think of this other man or when you’re with this other man, you change in your self; you go into a much deeper self. 

You don’t need to change your relationship for you to be in that deeper self. Stay in your present relationship and shift into that depth of self that you are with this other man, but turn into that toward your husband. 

It isn’t first about the man you’re with. It isn’t really about this other man. It’s that you have depths in your self that you are not living, you are not being. It doesn’t matter what awakens you to that depth: be that depth toward the person that you’re already with. That opens you into a depth within, without changing your relationships. 

You believe it’s about the other relationship. It isn’t really about the other man. This other man is a catalyst to a depth in you. Open into that depth and be that depth toward your husband.

Instead of switching men, switch levels in your self. Be that, and sustain that toward your husband.

Don’t make a change from the outside in. Make a change from the inside out. Then it isn’t about which man; it’s about a depth in you that you’re awakening to, and you be that depth toward the man that you’re already with. 

There’s a colour to your patterns. There’s a colour inside, in your self, to your patterns. That’s the colour you’re used to in your relationship with your husband. If you were to change relationships and be with this other man, you will turn into a different colour inside because of what is awakened in your self. But you haven’t paid for that colour; you haven’t earned that colour. So for you to be with this other man, you’ll turn into this new colour, this other colour, but it’s only a matter of time.

As you start to be the patterns in your self with this other man, this old colour that you’re used to with your husband is going to come back, and you’ll lose the colour that you had turned into of what you feel like when you are with this other man. So instead of changing men, change colours. Whatever that may cost you, change colours and be this new, deeper colour within. Be that in all of your self toward your husband. 

Open to see this, and as you see it then do it.  It’s a life change, inside, in how you will be with your husband. Open to that life change, and then as you’re able to see it, then do it. 

Q: Thank you.



On EMF Exposure, Fear And Your Real Freedom

Q: I lived on a mountain, which I loved, and they’ve put in microwave towers. I’ve had heart attacks and strokes. I’ve been in hospital with all those symptoms and met the pain and shock running through my brain. I’ve been in this wonderful state of beingness and surrendered to dying from a stroke, but I realized I was a ‘doing’ in it. There’s a gap there, somehow, and when I open to the fear it can still gobble me up. Everyone else seems unaffected.

John: When you’re being what you really are, anything that happens to your person, to your body, to your self, to your heart, truly opens you. The freedom that’s realized in that is that it takes so little to hurt your self or your body, and that any of that makes what you really are thrive. 

Anything that happens to something of yours, such as your life, your self, your body, if you’re being what you really are in the midst of that, you thrive. There is no happening of any kind that can separate you from that. 

Q: I can be in that radiance of beingness, yet it can still knock me to the ground. Are you saying I’m not in the depth of being where it would have no effect?

John: It doesn’t mean that you’re not in the depth of what you really are. It means that you’re simply not being what you really are. That makes fear a gift to you.

Q: Yes.

John: It tells you that you’re not believing what you know the truth of. You’re not being what you know; you’re being something that’s subsequent to that. The real cause of the fear is that you’re separating.

Where there is love – your real beingness – there’s no fear. When you are quietly relaxed within you do not fear dying. You are warmly okay with dying, and that’s because you’re being what is deeper within than anything that can pass away. Death can’t touch that. 

Your real continuity isn’t at all based on life and death. You’re free to be that in the midst of any environment, experience or circumstance.

There is no environment, there is no experience and there’s no circumstance that can separate you from what you really are. If you’re being separate, that’s because you have the power to be other than what you really are. Nothing can do that to you. If you’re being separate, you do it. And it’s only a story if you believe that it’s being done to you. 

You love being in your heart, because there you are within the doorway to your being. When you are being in your heart your movement within is the same as your own being, and that movement comes up into your self. When you are being in your heart you easily experience your being.

Q: Is that the space where there is a gap, where I am making it a ‘doing’?

John: The gaps are there when your doing matters more to you than this.

Q: Yes, I understand that.

John: When this matters more to you than anything you can do, then just like what you see easily in a small child, you will do so much because you’re being this. 

Q: Thank you, John.





A Simple Forgiveness Exercise For You

Q: My daughter is the person I love most on the planet. I deeply and dearly love her and she me, but she took a partner and the moment I saw him, I saw that he has no substance. Nothing. We’ve tried to get along but I can no longer be in the same room with him. When I visit, I ask that he is not there. It’s all starting to make me ill. Even my grand-children are aware of it now and ask us to be nice to each other. I don’t know what to do!

John: For a month, each night that you lie down to go to sleep, go to sleep forgiving him of the kind of self he has.

Q: For four weeks? Okay!

John: There’s one more: also forgiving you of the kind of self you have.

Q: That’s also not easy!

John: It’s only two things.

Q: I do that for four weeks as well?

John: Each night, that’s what you lie down to go to sleep in.

Q: And if my heart’s beating hard and I can’t sleep?

John: Then that’s good. You’ll relax. It will work. What also helps you is that you know in my saying this to you, I’ve given you a goodness.

Q: It’s true. I realize that. Normally, I love people very, very much but I don’t know what’s happening with him. Where does it come from?

John: It isn’t really him: it’s you.

Q: And what is it in me?

John: He just brings up in you what you’ve never dealt with in your self.

Q: How can I let go of it, because it’s not real, is it?

John: Forgive it in him and forgive it in you. What comes into you, then, is a heart-understanding for him and heart-understanding for you. You’ll come into a delicate humanness towards both of you.

Q: This is what I want to connect to, but it’s not so easy. In this moment it seems so beautiful, but when I go there it’s really hard!

John: That hardness will be loosening each night you lie down to go to sleep. And if it’s difficult for you to come into this when you lie down to go to sleep, if you like, for a little bit of help, you can have my hand.

Q: Oh, yes! Thank you so much. Sometimes I feel you very close – as if you are really there. So I’ll take your hand. Thank you so much!




Quiet And Relaxed In The Experience Of Hell

Q: All that started around the virus has made me really look at the choices I’ve been making in my life. Just as lockdown began, I knew I needed to get back to the country where my partner lives, get back to our bond and be in the stream with you. I just made it back and since then, in this love, I’ve been horrible! I’ve been having nightmares, too. It was so much easier to be separate than together. Do you know what I mean?

John: As you come a little bit more into what you really are, you are relaxing in a way that’s fundamental to you. It is nothing to do with your self, so this frees you somewhat of how you’ve been holding your self together. It brings you into a truer sense of your self; it gives you a truer reflection of what your self is actually like. 

What this means is that the condition of your self is worse than how you’ve held your sense of self together – that your way of seeing your self wasn’t in line with the actual condition of your self. So as you relax it will give you the experience that your self is worse, that you’re getting worse.  

Q: Sometimes it has felt like I can’t reorient my self. It seems so real.

John: Yes. It feels so actual. It’s so there in your experience, in your body, in your nervous system: so actual. It’s not real. If you’re hoping for it to get better, that is a holding of your self together. 

Q: This feels like the perfect time to just be in it, and be small.

John: Without need of your self healing or changing. What matters is for you to be what you really are in the midst of your self as it is, and not with any result in mind: not with the slightest hope or desire, without the slightest orientation that references your experience and your self, without the slightest hope that your self will change. So you really are then being unconditionally you in the midst of your self that isn’t like you, and you’re not being that for your self. You’re being that because that’s what’s real and true. 

You have had your fingers crossed. You’ve been in the hope that your self will change, that your experience will change. Your fingers being crossed is a holding together of your self. Your two fingers need to uncross and relax. You need to be without hope for your self, so you are just you without any reference to your self. Your experience of your self from that may get better. It may also get worse. 

The stronger your self-image has been – a self-image isn’t the same as the actual condition of your self – the stronger the self-image, the more you relax, the worse your experience of your self because the better image of your self is washing away, letting you see your self as it actually is, in the condition that it is that you didn’t want to see. And in the seeing, which isn’t very nice, you stay being you.

You don’t cross your fingers in hope of a change, and you also don’t hold your two fingers together because of how you’re disturbed in your self in what you see. The crossing of your fingers, for any reason at all, relaxes. That’s you, at home in you, regardless of your self. 

Q: It’s like being in heaven even if you’re in hell. 

John: It’s like you being the quietude of heaven while you are in your terribly noisy hell. Hell abounds and you are, in your quietude, unchanged.

Hell isn’t original. It will pass away. If you don’t like it, what that really means is you are still in relationship to it. Through your dislike of it, you still need it. You are using it. You’re using the disfavour of it to give you a sense of self, regardless of how unpleasant that is; that you would rather have an unpleasant sense of self than be quieted within, without result and without return. 

It means that you would actually rather be in hell than for you to be nothing. 

Q: Why does it seem so much more appealing to be in hell than to be nothing?

John: It gives you a sense of self. This “oh, so terrible” thing that you’re in makes you someone. It makes you somebody. It makes you something. What would you be if you’re no longer disturbed by difficulty, if you’re no longer affected by any kind of hell, if hell doesn’t matter to you anymore, and that it no longer makes a difference to you?

Q: I’d be free. 

John: Being free means that you are no longer the addiction to the feelings of your self. You are fundamentally no longer tied to your self. If your self gets better, that doesn’t make you better. If your self worsens, that doesn’t take anything away from you.

Regardless of your experience of your self, you are being the same: gentled and quieted within. 

If your self is pained or blessed, you are not different. Your beingness doesn’t change because of any change in your self. If your experience in your self because of you being gentled and quieted within is fiery selfishness, then you are stillness in the fire, not connected to the fire, not to change the fire. You are just stillness in the fire. 

Q: Thank you.

Dealing With Anger – Returning To The Flow

John: What can I do for you?

Q: It’s very nice to meet you. How would you recommend I deal with anger? Whenever I’m working there’s a lot of anger that comes up in my system. It gets repressed a lot so I’m not always aware that it’s there.

John: The repression of it is because you hold in disfavour the effect of anger on your self and your life.

Q: You mean I’m afraid of what it can do to me?

John: Yes. You don’t like its effects.

Q: Yes. I’m a perfectionist, so somehow there’s a fear of the anger, as well.

John: The more angry you are, the more foolish you’ll be. You’ll do stupid things.

Q: Is that bad?

John: It’s good that it is like that, because that gives you feedback. It tells you that what you are being in your self is far from working well. 

The way to deal with anger is by leaving your self out of it. Anger, without your self, dies on its own. What fuels and empowers the anger is your self filling the anger: you giving importance to what you feel in your self, what you want in your self, what you need in your self.

Leave your self out of it, and it dissipates. Leave your self out of the anger and you naturally return to your heart. When you leave your self out of the anger, you are relaxing, without focus, without result, without return. 

As you relax without using form for you to relax, you return to being what you really are.

Q: I find that easier, but when I’m working there’s an intention, and I feel as if the anger gets projected into the future for an outcome to happen. There’s tension and frustration that it’s not like that, yet.

John: That’s because the more you do, the more you believe your self, the more you take your self seriously.

Q: True: I take my work so seriously and if I really look at it I don’t care, but some mechanism seems to make me care and worry about it.

John: When you do, you are empowering your sense of self. The more you do, the more your sense of you comes from what you’re using: your self. You’re using thought and feeling, will and emotion to be you. When you do, you leave being and you turn into forms for doing.

Q: Can I work, or do, without that in the ground of being?

John: Yes.

Q: How? That’s what I’m really struggling with.

John: Then you would do your work just warmly, but on a fundamental level it actually doesn’t mean anything to you. You are free of your own work; that when you do your work it doesn’t add anything to you. 

If it adds something to you, you will steer to the feeling of control. The strongest feeling of control is anger.

Q: So that’s what it is: control?

John: Be warmly at work, instead of seriously at work. Warmly at work is more functional in work than you seriously at work. Seriously at work, you’re using so much energy in making your work all about your self. 

Q: I’m going to get something for me. There’s a lot of that energy there.

John: When you are warmly at work, you are flowing in doing instead of doing to secure your sense of self. Flowing in doing is more efficient in the use of energy in doing, but flowing in doing doesn’t add anything to your self. Flowing in doing makes nothing of your self. 

When you do something that requires a great amount of energy, such as climbing a mountain, when you are flow climbing a mountain, your whole climb isn’t about your self. It doesn’t centre on your self; you’re not getting a sense of self from the climb. 

When you’re flowing in a very steep climb you’re using a great amount of energy and there’s no unnecessary use of energy. You’re not going into an emotional or an unneeded mental use of energy. You’re not spending what you’re doing on a sense of self, so then you won’t be registering the difficulty. The difficulty doesn’t register emotionally; it’s just physical. It is simply what it is. Nothing is added to it. 

Then you are a flow in climbing a mountain. That’s a real use of your energy in the climb. As soon as you get a sense of self in the climb, you turn into a somebody. Everything that goes into the someone is an illusory use of energy; it’s a waste of energy. It contributes only to a false sense of your self. 

In whatever you do, flow. If what you are doing is really important, you won’t flow.

Q: It feels like the stakes are high and there’s a lot to be lost if I don’t get it right, so it’s a tricky one.

John: It isn’t tricky. You are that tricky. You are the tricky one in making much of something that, when quieted within, you know it isn’t that. You are making something up.

It doesn’t really matter what you do. What really matters is what you are being in whatever you do. It doesn’t matter what job you have. What really matters is what are you being in your work? 

On your deathbed it won’t matter to you what you have done with your life. What will matter to you is what you have done with your heart. If you’re not in your heart while you work, if you are not a flow while you work, you are wasting your time. 

You weren’t born to make much of your self. You were born to move as being, in your self, in your life.

If you separate from moving as being, you create an illusory sense of self and a false life – a waste of your life. If you are successful at anything, but in that success you leave your heart, you have failed. 

Whatever you gain while not being in your heart is false.

Q: I see that. It’s false and it’s exhausting. It feels like a betrayal.

John: It is a betrayal; you betraying what you really are to be something that suits only your self. It makes your sense of your self the centre of everything.

Return to the flow and go to work.

Q: Thank you so much.

What Is True Compassion?

Q: Can you teach me about compassion? What is compassion for we humans? 

John: There’s a true compassion and a false compassion. True compassion is a presence of being, within your self, which brings you into your deeper self, and you have a flowing response of love from within your deeper self to someone in difficulty. It isn’t self-oriented; it’s being-oriented. 

The true compassion isn’t about your feelings about someone else, or toward someone else. It’s deeper levels of love that move through your thinking and your feeling, but the thinking and the feeling aren’t about your self. 

It’s easy to develop a false compassion by having a story in your self in having compassion toward people. That develops a need for people to be in difficulty so that you can be a compassionate person, and ends up exploiting those in difficulty.

Q: What is the expression of real compassion? How can I understand it?

John: In understanding it, first have no personal need to have compassion. If you have the personal want and need to be compassionate, you’ll easily self-create it. It won’t be clean. Real compassion is clean of any kind of self-involvement.

Q: I often feel not compassionate because there is no need in there, but I’m not sure if it’s real.

John: Where you’re not sure, just be in a depth of quietude within. It’s in that quietude that you are in a deeper level of listening within – not looking for anything, but available. You’re available to know and to see. 

First, on a personal level, you don’t need any of the answers that you’re looking for. It’s the personalized need for answers that has you taking your self to heart. Your heart belongs in your self, but your self doesn’t belong in your heart. The personal need for any kind of answer brings your self into your heart.

Q: What about when that need for an answer comes from someone near to me? Do I just stay quiet? I often don’t feel compassionate …

John: That’s fine. You don’t need to be compassionate. You’re open, instead, to have compassion. If you have a need to be compassionate, then you’ll mix in the openness to have compassion and the push to be compassionate. You’ll create a mixture of the two: you’ll have a measure of the real mixed in with a self-created feeling and movement of what behaves like compassion.

Even if what compassion is there begins only with the thought that you could have compassion, or the thought that maybe there needs to be more compassion in you, just sit in the quietude of that thought without moving into action just because you have the thought of lacking it, or that you could be more compassionate.

Don’t move quickly into application. When you have such thinking, sit in a depth of quietude within concerning the thought, so what you turn into is openness concerning being compassionate, without you manufacturing the movement, creating the movement, so it will grow in you. There’s no need to create it or to push it. Let it grow where it grows.

You don’t want to turn into a helping person. If you create the pattern of being helpful to people then you are not, from the inside out, in a movement of love that is available to help someone. You’ll be pushing it. It’ll be about how it makes you feel to be able to help people, and that’s not real.

A real kind of helping someone isn’t about your self. It isn’t about how that makes you feel. It isn’t about you getting to love someone.

Q: Can love be also just quiet?

John: Yes: very much so. 

The quietude matters much more than the movement. It’s the quietude that gives space for a movement of being in your self. It won’t be pushed by your self. It grows on its own. It moves on its own. The quietude within makes you available, and no more.

The love, as it moves, is a natural movement of what you really are. It isn’t self-generated. It doesn’t come from your sense of your self. It doesn’t begin with your thinking and your feeling. It begins with you. It begins in a depth of quietude, and from there it moves. 

If anyone wants love from you, don’t move. If anyone tells you that you are lacking love toward others, don’t move. If anyone tells you anything about love or the lack of it in you, don’t move. Just, right there, open into the quietude within and be listening, within, from within that quietude. You’re not listening for results; the listening is your deep, quiet openness concerning the subject in question.

If someone tells you that you can love more or that they want your love, don’t believe what people tell you just because they tell you – just because they’re saying something. It’s important, there, for you, within, to not move. If you move quickly just because someone tells you something, you’re stepping into your self and you’ll move your own conditioning.

If someone telling you about your lack, or what they want from you, directs you to move into a quietude within – you won’t move on the surface or give what that person’s saying or asking for just because of the asking – the asking directs you to your deeper interior for you to know. And you are open to know. You are open to see, but you’re not going to move just because someone says something to you.

When someone wants something from you or says something negative about you, such as that you’re lacking love, where you are seated in your usual sense of self that will bring up emotion in you: not just feeling of lack but a stronger emotion that you have lack. As soon as you have an emotion concerning what someone is saying to you or about you, you’ll want to move into action to bring closure to that emotion.

As soon as you have that emotion, that puts pressure on your self: you’ll want to perform for your sense of self, or you’ll want to perform for that person. Any kind of performance orientation is a corruption in your self. Don’t move to perform for your self or for others.

When what someone is asking from you or says to you of your lack hits your emotional body, it’s most important to be quiet. That makes you available to listen to what you actually know the truth of within. The subject can be opened by the other person, but you don’t move in the way that person wants you to. Your movement is into the quietude within, where there you are listening to what you directly know and see. If you don’t know or see anything, you just stay quiet.

Emotionally, that’s even more exposing, but as great as you feel that exposure inside, don’t move away from the quietude. If someone builds a fire around you, inside, you don’t move. You can say such things as: you’re open to what they’re saying, you’re open to any kind of change, you’re open to look at anything inside, but you’re waiting to see what you actually know and what you actually see about what the other person’s saying about you. And if they put pressure on you in wanting something from you, or not being satisfied in your response because you’re not going into movement, don’t do anything to fix the pressure. Just be quiet, and you could even say that you’re open, but you don’t know. Stay empty rather than move.

If someone tells you that you’re not compassionate, don’t move. Don’t be quick to say something. Let your heart open and let your face open, but don’t move. Don’t go into verbal action. Don’t go into a facial action. 

Q: Are there moments where it’s good to ask my self if I’m in the right place when someone tells me I’m wrong? It often feels like self-sabotage.

John: That’s you moving into emotional action against your self. It’s false. Where you have any kind of emotional pressure, it matters for you there, in your interior, to not move. Don’t move in your interior just because of an emotion, just because of pressure on your self.

You can have a subtle nurturing movement. It’s a different level of movement. It’s not a mental, emotional movement. It’s you, under pressure, subtly moved within to listen, to listen within, to listen and see. The listening within means you are available within to know and to see. If you just quickly move because of an emotional pressure, you won’t know and you won’t see, and you establish the pattern of performing for others and for your self.

Let a deep listening within replace all performance orientation.

When you do say something to someone telling you about a lack in your self, or wanting you to perform in giving them love, if you say something, speak only because there’s real meaning in your words, so your words are carriers of meaning. Don’t let your words be carriers of your emotion: just carriers of meaning. Then, as you speak, it is love that delivers the meaning. Don’t step outside of that. 

If you have such a walk as this, others will reject you for it because they’ll speak of your lack, and if that moves you into a deep listening within to what you know and see, and you don’t go quickly into movement, then that exposes the other person so they start to feel their lack, and they’ll need to make your lack about your self. They’ll project it onto you, so they’ll increase the pressure. They’ll increase you needing to move in the way that they want you to move. 

If you still don’t move, but you’re in a depth of listening within, that other person will then form a judgment and wrap you up in that judgment. In you not moving but just listening within, that other person may become really angry with you. It isn’t really about you. Someone’s anger is really just about themselves.

Q: What can I be in that moment?

John: Just quieted within: that all you are in is a depth of listening to whatever it is that you know and you see. And if you seem to not know or see anything, then all you are is quiet, within, just quietly empty, and you won’t move just because you’re empty. You won’t move because you don’t know; you’ll only move because of whatever little bit you do know.

That little bit is what your words are for. Your words are not there to express your emotional pressure. Your words are not there so that you can have pressure-relief. 

If you live this, your usual sense of self will die and a deep, quiet, nurturing sense of your self will slowly start to live and grow. You’ll live letting love quietly take over your self, but you won’t live using your self to protect your self. 

You won’t do anything to save your self, and in the quietude of that you are open for love to take over your self. Love can have your self and you won’t do anything to save your self.

It’s a quiet walk. There’s no story in such a walk. The stories all end. You’ll have no stories about circumstances, no stories about others, and no stories about your self. 

Q: That’s so beautiful! Is beauty also a story?

John: No: just as love is not a story. But you can make a story of beauty and you can make a story of love. You can make a story of compassion and you’ll perform for those stories. It’s not real.

Q: Thank you.





Dissolving Your Subconscious Machinery: The Healing Of Your Self

Q: I’m very happy to meet you and amazed to be able to connect with you like this. My question is about relationships. I would like to know more about what happens in a couple and especially after a break-up. I broke up with a boyfriend almost two years ago, and even though psychologically I feel healed, I can feel in my body that there is something still there and I don’t understand what it is. It’s taken me a long time to let go with other break-ups, too. I would love to know what you have to say about that.

John: What stays in your body is your bond with him. The bond is not the relationship itself, but what connectivity of being that there was between the two of you, the level of connectivity that is deeper than your selves.

What also stays in your body is any and all judgment that you’ve made, any conclusion that you’ve drawn and given emotion to just because of what has affected your self, affected your experience; any judgment that you form, that you make, that you sat in toward him, toward your self, toward relationship – toward even the idea of relationship.

All judgment made stays in your body and it becomes a part of a very complex subconscious mechanism. It’s like a machinery. That subconscious machinery controls your sense of your self. What judgments you make, the substance of that judgment, will control you for the rest of your life.

These judgments, this subconscious machinery, can be dissolved, can be undone, but that undoing will go against your nervous system. It will confront your nervous system. All of that subconscious machinery manifests in your nervous system and forms your experience of your self.

Its undoing comes by you opening and softening in your heart in the midst of the workings of that subconscious machinery, in the midst of how you experience your self, in the midst of your sense of your self, in the midst of everything that affects your self.

That subconscious machinery – much of it you’ve inherited from your ancestors and the rest of it you’ve created in your self – comes apart and ends, but only in you. It doesn’t end or go away on its own, in your self. On its own, it will pass on, and it will pass on, from you to another. It ends in you as you unconditionally open and soften in your heart at any personal expense.

The dissolve of that subconscious control over your self comes by your deeply rooted sense of independence dissolving, because of you belonging to your heart instead of belonging to your sense of your self.

Return to your heart. Live from your heart, and don’t leave your heart for absolutely anything. When you leave your heart for anything, you’re fooling your self. This will cost you. For you to return to your heart and to unconditionally remain gentled and quieted in your heart comes at great cost to your self. It’s an actual cost. It’s all embedded in your nervous system but the cost isn’t real. The cost really has nothing to do with you. You won’t lose the real. The real is in you. The real isn’t in your self. You won’t lose any more than what you are going to lose when you die.

When you die, you lose everything that is actual but not real: all of your illusory investments in your self, all of your investments in your sense of independence, all investment that is made from a self-importance, a feeling, a consideration of the importance in your self. All of that self-importance isn’t real. All of the makings of positivity and negativity are centred on your sense of self, the negative and the positive importance of your self. None of that is real.

As you live from within the quietude in your heart at any personal expense, your self comes back into balance. In it coming back into balance, anything that wasn’t real but you made actual in your self – forms of illusion – all of that will pass away. Your self, because of you being quieted in your heart, is cleaned. That cleaning of your self is the cleaning of your conscious self and your subconscious self. The two together is your self.

Your conscious self is the least of your self. Most of your self is subconscious and unconscious. It’s only when you live from the quietude of your heart in the midst of your self that you let, consciously, your subconscious self up into your experience, up into your conscious self, which is not a pleasant experience. Everything that you’ve turned away from, that you didn’t want to deal with, that you turned your back on, that you threw away into oblivion, that you’ve made judgments against; anything where you’ve hardened your heart and you’ve stuffed away into your self, you’ve just pushed it away: all of that adds to your subconscious machinery. The greater part of your self isn’t conscious.

As you live your life quietly in your heart, you come into awareness of your subconscious and your unconscious self, which is confusing and chaotic in your experience. On a self level it’s a little bit like you getting sick. Everything that you have been sick of in your self, any time where you’ve formed a judgment, making emotionally clear within your mind what you are sick of, what you’re tired of, what you don’t want anymore, what you are going to just push away once and for all: all of that creates a sickness in your subconscious self, and that sickness governs your self.

As you unconditionally relax within and are just quietly at home in your heart, all of that sickness is coming back to you. It’s a necessary part of the healing of your self. If you don’t want anything to do with that sickness, you’ll live adding more and more to it. As you warmly relax within, and that is enough for you, your subconsciousness will finally be free to be a conscious part of your self. The experience of that is that your self is getting worse and worse.

The more you are quieted within, the more you start to experience the actual condition of your self, which is far removed from your self-image. Your self-image is something that you’ve manufactured and that you hold together, that you insist on, that you defend in your conscious self, and it’s not real.

Your self-esteem is based on how you like to see your self, how you like to feel in your self, and everything that you do in your life to hold that together and to defend it. That includes you being sick of others, which protects you from seeing how sick your self is.

All you really have in all of your life is the quietude of love. Return to it and your self will heal.

Q: I feel I am living now all of what you are saying. I choose to be in this quietude, in this love, and then I feel it’s so difficult. There is something pulling me back to the easier way. Sometimes I feel that I’m lazy to be in my heart, that I’m agreeing to feed the sickness again. 

John: Do nothing to save your self. Do nothing to save your self from the sickness in your self. Don’t retreat to your comforts. Invest nothing in pain. Invest nothing in any little touches of self-pity.

All you are is quietly at home in your heart, taking full, quiet responsibility for all that you’ve done to your self, for your self, and that you are absolutely ending your addiction to your self. You’ll remain in your heart unconditionally, at any personal expense, and the expense is high. It’s not too much, and after you’ve paid it you’ll realize that it was all an illusory expense. It was really a self-created expense, all based on forms of illusion that you’ve constructed in your self and held to.

Everything of this world appeals to your addiction to your self. The only thing that directly appeals to you, what you really are, pure you, is what you quietly know the truth of in your heart. It’s the only real voice in you. All of the others are false.

You’ll heal, but not without you experiencing in your nervous system, in your experience, how sick you actually are in your self.


Q: Thank you, John. 




The Secret To The Great River Within

Q: You said to someone in a recent meeting: “This world is not your home.” It really struck me, but in so many little ways I continue to seek safety in this world. And you’ve been speaking about the importance of taking care of the little things. I’d love your help with this, and I want to meet you in what is not of this world.

John: I’m bringing the whole of what is before existence. I’m being that in this world, which brings it into this world. It is every level in you that hears it, but that doesn’t mean that you will open into every level of you.

Q: Why wouldn’t all my levels be opening if they can all hear it?

John: It’s all of the little, all of the littlest, littlest, together, that determines the flow of the whole river. 

The river doesn’t come from the river. The river comes of the melting in the high, and it comes from the rain. If you are in the littlest of drops and you are in the melting, if those two levels are lived in you, the river will come and it will flood your banks.

Q: Being in the melting and the drops means you can let go of what the drops or the stream will flow into, and you don’t put your roots in the banks? The banks don’t matter.

John: Yes. If you are gone into the drops and you are gone into the melting, it doesn’t matter what your experience is: great river is coming. 

As that great river comes and you are absorbed by the enormous effects of the river, that you are distracted a little bit from being gone into the drops and being gone into the melting, then it’s only a matter of time and the great river will be no more.

Q: So always be in the drops and in the melting.

John: Yes. It’s the secret to the river.

Q: This touches on the fear of letting go of everything, because if I focus on the banks and what’s there, or I focus on the river, I forget to be in the drops, right?

John: Yes. You’ll make much of the river, and the river doesn’t come from the river. The river comes from all of the little drops, and the melting.

Q: And it’s really okay to not mind where the drops land or where the river goes? I just let fully go.

John: If you are into the melting and into the drops, you will be into the whole river. Then you will be the drops, the melting, the river, the ocean. You’ll be the whole of it.

Q: I can resonate with all the levels and the deeper things, but once I’m not in the drops, the river is not there.

John: Yes.

Q: And the more I’m in the drops and in the melting, the more levels of you I can meet you in? 

John: The more you are gone into the drop, taken by the melting, the more deeply I can take you into the ocean.

Q: I love that.

John: I can then take you into the ocean, into its depths, without your river first developing, without you making your way to the ocean.

Q: I’d love for you to do that.


Opening To The Unknown You Know

Q: Since I spoke with you last, I’ve connected with a vertical column of light that comes from my head and goes upwards. In that, what I’m doing is reaching to you, moving into you. I’m realizing I’m not of this world and everything started to change. It’s as if I’m in two places at the same time: I’m here in my life but I’m not coming from here. What I’m coming from seems to be a place I know. It’s present all the time but I don’t see it. Am I able to move faster in this?

John: Yes: by not being even a particle of your self, or of the world. So all there is in what you come from is pure you, levels of that that aren’t recognizable from your self or this world. That direct relating to what isn’t your self and isn’t this world is what feeds this in you, so that this level of you has you exclusively.

Be given to what you know you are in. Be given in a way that is absolute. Nothing else has you.

Q: Can you give me an example of what could have me that I’m not aware of?

John: Better than that, you are aware in levels that you are not thinking in. You are aware in more than what you think.

Q: Is that because it’s something I haven’t been awakened to, or haven’t been making physical? Why is that?

John: You don’t see it. You’re not thinking in it, you’re not cognitive of it, you’re not seeing it. You are in more, and you know more than what you see and what you think.

Q: Why am I not doing that? Is there a way to be aware of this?

John: It’s for you to open into the unknown. With you – and this is a little bit of a play on words – when you open into the unknown you are opening into what you know in a way that isn’t dependent on seeing and on thought. It isn’t dependent on your experience. 

You are capable of much more than your thinking in this, your seeing in this, your experience in this. You are ahead of all of your experience. So when you open to the unknown, it’s what you know that you’re not thinking, feeling, seeing or experiencing that you come into.

Q: Is there a level of control or order – but not as a self – that is on my plate?

John: It’s on your plate, way out into the unknown.

Q: Does it have to do with not staying with something and letting it change? Do you know what I mean?

John: Yes. It’s neither not staying with something, nor letting it change. What’s already there for you you’re not going to come into through thought or feeling, seeing or experience. It’s direct into you.

Q: There’s no experience; it’s a direct movement.

John: It will turn into experience but it isn’t based on experience.

Q: What is it that has changed? It’s not even that it has changed: it’s completely different.

John: Completely different, not measured by thought or feeling, seeing or experience. But as you come into it, it does reflect in your experience and it will form your thinking.

I heard a story, and it is a little bit like this. There was a person surrounded by a forest fire. He visually had no way out, so he just ran with all of his might straight into the fire. It was either that or be taken over by the flames. As he ran straight into the fire – and he didn’t know if he would run headlong into a tree or whatever because he couldn’t see through the flames –  as he ran straight into the fire, it was not much of a distance before he realized he cleared the whole forest fire, and he was fine. 

So in one way, it’s a little bit like that. He went into the known because he knew he didn’t have anything else. So he just went.

As you go, you will know, and you don’t need the indicators in form, in experience, to help you in this. As soon as you just know that there’s more, without any guidance in experience, you just turn into what you know without knowing first what that is. All you know is that it is.

Q: My sense is that I was doing that.

John: Be in that in a way that you are gone in that, without reference to any markers. 

Q: No markers.

John: Yes: it’s movement of you. It’s not movement of form. That movement has reflection in your form. As you move in this way, you’ll know more, you’ll see more, you’ll understand more, with all of that behind you. 

As you come into this, this will fast increase. You’ll realize direct movement of you that first has no relationship to form. As you move in it, you’ll get to know that level of you. It will grow. As that growth shows, don’t be distracted by how it shows.

For you, this is like you believing the unknown. That is you believing what you directly know, without that being dependent on your experience, your sense perception of what you know.

Bye for now, and see you way, way in there! 

Q: Bye. Thank you.


This conversation comes from one of the daily interactive livestreams with John during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Visit johnderuiter.tv  for more!



Free Of Fear: Quietly Okay In The Midst Of Life

Q: We’ve been talking a lot about fear, and you said it’s about separation inside. All my life I’ve felt separated from my self, that I should fit in and couldn’t be my self. I feared others, feared that I was not good enough and that I wouldn’t survive. I’ve felt sadness from the beginning. I’ve struggled a lot to find my self and really be me, but fear can still disturb me and take my energy. I want to be free of it and go deeper. 

John: Wherever you have hope or fear, you’re giving your power away. You’re giving your power away to your self instead of to what you really are. When you are being what you really are, you are happy without a reason.

What you are is rested okayness. In being what you really are, you are deeply okay despite your relationships, your circumstances, your self, your life.

Enjoy being that quiet okayness without that okayness coming from something: not from your self, not from others, not from your life – just you.

You are free to enjoy being that without results. Without results, without return, means that it really is you. It’s quiet, it’s subtle and it’s nurturing. All within, you don’t need anything else.

Q: I need to let go of my past but it comes up, takes my energy, and it’s a while before I can be present again.

John: You’re blaming what you are giving your power to. Your past and your patterns don’t take you away; you use them to get away.

When you are being what you really are, you are unconditioned intimacy that is just there. If you’re being that, it freely moves toward everything. 

Q: It’s good to hear. What can I do to keep my strength and use my power in the right way? 

John: Like relaxing in all of your weaknesses.

Your strengths don’t need you. Your weaknesses need you – just your presence in them; your quieted presence there in your weaknesses.