Free Of Control: Being Together In Love

Q: I want to talk to you about control. I really know I need to let go of control in my life, in particular my controlling of other people. I’m always telling my partner what to do, and not believing he’s doing his best.

John: That’s because you let your nervous system master you. You let your nervous system rule instead of you letting your gentled and quieted heart rule. 

Practically, this is like you, in the circumstances of your relationship and your life, quietly enjoying that you no longer need to be in control; you, quietly being nurtured in no longer needing control. 

Q: I feel like a baby who needs to learn how to walk again. Despite all I know, I still have the idea he’s not doing enough as a father and that it’s hurting my kids. I know it’s not true, but I so often act from this fear in our life.

John: That’s because your bottom line is that you want him to do what you want him to do, instead of your bottom line being that he’s genuinely free to do or not. That means that you value him, instead of what you want from him as a personality; that you quietly want him more than anything that he’s able to do, and that you live that. 

When you want him, more than anything he can do, you’ll not be using control on him. You won’t be speaking to his personality. You won’t be telling him what to do. Instead, in all of the moments that he’s with you, you’d love that you can see him. It’s not what he does or doesn’t do that matters to you. He matters to you. 

You can start out with, for one month, within every circumstance and every day, that you require nothing of him. You won’t tell him what to do. You won’t ask him to do things. Whatever he does, he does, and what he doesn’t do, he doesn’t do, and you’ll not do anything about that; that your relationship with him isn’t based on your capacity to control. 

Your relationship with him, for one month, is based only on your heart directly to his.

Q: I’ll try that. On the subject of parenting, I want to ask you about doing or not doing with our children. When I see my partner with our children, he’s fully present, fully alive, patient and full of his heart. It’s inspiring to me, but still there’s that little voice saying “maybe he should take them to the pool, go hiking with them ….” and it’s eating me inside.

John: Then, also during this whole month, you make no recommendation of what to do with the children. Whatever he does, what he invites you to, that’s what the two of you do. You make no invitations. You make no recommendations. 

All you are for this whole month is a deep, quiet, full heart in seeing him. You let him be in charge of everything you think matters, and what you are is love that fills all the space that he controls.

Q: I just had the thought “now it’s going to be chaos!” 

John: It won’t be chaos. It’ll be love.

Q: I know, but how can I do it, practically?

John: The way that works is completely: not a little bit, not a lot, but completely. For one month completely use no control, completely have no control.  Completely is easy. Ninety-nine percent is a little bit difficult. Fifty percent is very hard. Ten percent is horrible! 

For one month all you are is a love follower. Everywhere you follow, you fill.

Q: And then what will happen?

John: You’ll be love instead of you being what you’re used to. You’ll be love instead of you being your nervous system.

Q: I keep feeling I’m so nearly there, and then a big wave of anger or control takes me over.

John: This other part is your investment in getting something back, your investment in results. So you’ll soften until you see that softening isn’t giving you what you want, and then you’ll use control. If softening doesn’t work, control will work. 

Open and soften without any view of having a return, without any view of results. Open and soften in a way that is not in relationship to results. It’s not connected to results. You’re used to softening to get what you want. If that doesn’t work, you quickly use power. 

Your real power isn’t your power of thought and feeling, will and emotion. Your real power is your openness and softness of heart.

Let your real power have you. Let it master you in your whole relationship.

Q: Thank you.



How Can I Be With My Angry Father?

Q: A few years ago I decided not to see my father anymore. Sometimes I feel it’s not okay to say “no” to your father, but it has also given me huge peace. I’m scared of getting caught in this father/daughter story again when I go home, but I’ve also realized that I don’t need love from my parents. I don’t know whether to see him now, or not.

John: Whether you see him or not, it needs to be warm. Then not seeing him or seeing him is not because of any kind of issue. See him or don’t see him, but either way let it be warmly issue-free. 

Q: To manage that I’ve got to be free of my past with him. When I’m with him I start spinning again.

John: Love seeing the difference between him and his self. 

Q: Is seeing the difference what sets me free?

John: When you see the difference, despite what’s taken place in the past, despite what kind of self he’s had in the past and despite what kind of self he has now, you love him.  After you’ve both died, he won’t have the self he has and you won’t have the self you have. As soon as you meet, both of you will love.  

Q:  So it’s better to wait until then!

John: Don’t wait until he dies for you to see the difference between him and his self. 

Q: I do see the difference, but I can’t be around him physically because he’s so angry.

John: That’s fine. You don’t need to be around him. You don’t need to be with him. You do need to open. Concerning him, you need to open. You don’t need to do anything with him. When you think of him, open. If something triggers your past with him, open. 

Q: I’ve thought of my self as open, but I can also see where that ends in me. In the meeting just now I noticed I opened further. Is it the same with my father?

John: Yes. With him you don’t need to do anything that you don’t know. If you don’t know to see him and to spend time with him, you don’t need to be in resistance to it; you can just warmly not spend time with him. 

You have a bond with him. The bond is real. It’s your real connection with him. Don’t use how he’s been with you to cover that bond. If you are warmly not spending time with him, it’s easy for you to see your bond with him, and seeing it, being in it, doesn’t mean that you need to spend time with him. 

Being in your bond with him doesn’t mean that you need to be in relationship with him. 

The goodness in him doesn’t deserve you closing your heart when you think of him. If you don’t spend any time with him, that doesn’t mean, on its own, that you’re closing your heart to him or that you’re forsaking any goodness that’s in him.

You love him and you love what is there of your bond with him. You love the goodness that you know in him, and all of that doesn’t mean that you need to spend time with him. 

Q: So there’s a gift in the bond which has been between us?

John: It’s the part that’s real and it doesn’t end. Put a mountain on top of it, and eventually the mountain will pass away; the bond won’t. 

Q: I don’t understand.

John: This planet isn’t permanent. Your bond with him is permanent, and it’s pure goodness.  

Q: That’s what is difficult for me because I remember most strongly what was not loving about him.

John: Don’t hold anything that he’s done to you against his being. Your openness doesn’t connect you to what he’s done. Your openness connects you to what he really is. Your openness connects you to his being. Don’t see him again without a single thread holding that together. 

You don’t need to close in order to not go to see him. You need to completely open for you to genuinely not go to see him. That puts you into the bond. 

When you’re in the bond, your bond with him is like a golden thread that goes through all of your past with him. It was there all the time. His treatment of you didn’t break it. It’s not breakable. 

Q: I sometimes felt I was his mother and he was my child. It’s very weird. 

John: You were as his mother, in some way, because you loved him. 

Q: I can sense my love for him a little bit.

John: That’s enough.

Q: I remember it was there when I was a child; that whatever he did I would still be totally open and loving.



Openness: Your Love, Your Life

Q: I feel stuck in my patterns. They just keep coming back and back.

John: Your patterns will move because of the energy that’s stored in them. It doesn’t matter what patterns you have. All that matters is that despite anything at all that moves, you open.

Q: Being open is the thing that frightens me most. It’s helpful to hear that it’s not a question of what happened in your childhood, or the relationship you had with your parents; that you have the power to just open and … 

John: And that’s it! Not even open and heal – just open. The healing is beautifully incidental.

Your first love isn’t that of healing. Your first love is openness. The happiness of a child still in its innocence isn’t because of what it does. The child is happy because of its openness, manifested in all of the little things that it does.

So this is your real life – your only real life. It’s within your interior. It isn’t dependent on your self, others or anything outside of your self. It’s dependent on you; you, living within, open. It’s your love, your life, because there isn’t anything else that is really you. That’s pure you.

If things go well, you open. If things don’t go well, you open. If things go horribly, you open. It’s what you are. Nothing needs to go your way. No one needs to like you. No one needs to love you. No one needs to treat you well. Despite anything and everything, you open. 

Marry openness and remain that way through sickness and through health. Openness, unconditioned, is your beloved. It’s what you give to your wife regardless of what she’s like.  

On account of openness alone, you will turn inside out, regardless of what that makes you feel like. You living from your innermost outwards instead of you existing from the outside in … but not too far. All the control is held by the outside. 

Instead of living from the outside in, as you unconditionally relax into being what you really are you will turn from the inside out – a whole different movement of form. Instead of a person that has a self that has a heart and has a being, you’ll live as a being that has a heart that has a self that has a person and a life. It’s a most delicate flip.

Q: I think I’d like to stop there. I think that’s the essence of what I need. Other than that I’m just telling a story and I don’t want to tell stories. It doesn’t matter. You know the story!

John: If you continue in this you are going to turn into a delightfully peculiar sweetie-pie!

Q: As my wife would say, it’s better than being an angry so-and-so! I feel bad because nothing I’ve done has moved me.

John: Feeling bad for what you’ve done is fine as long as, in its depth, it is only momentary. It’s there, you open to its depth, and it’s gone.

In that way, guilt and shame are most delicate messengers. As soon as they appear at your door, you open and then they’re gone. You got the message.

Q: I see what you mean.


The Responsibility Of A Lifetime

“I am only here to empower the little bit that you know, to profoundly set things straight, to introduce healing first to the deep and inviting everything else to follow.

I am only helping where you came from, not the interests that you come here with. This isn’t going to make your life any bit better; it will only make it true, letting what counts the most count first.

What is happening here is like a wave, and inasmuch as you know it, it is really not worth wasting. There isn’t much time to realize and apply the deep – just one lifetime. That is such a responsibility.

The responsibility is so great, but so is where you came from so great. But you won’t find it in the big; you find it in the little.”

~ John de Ruiter



It’s Time: Responding To The Call Of Greater Reality

Q: I heard a blackbird singing and felt a little envious because he’s doing what he purely is, and he will die without complaint having done all he could. That’s what we try to accomplish, and I sensed that this is what you do. Can you tell me what is so special about being human?

John: We are the up-and-coming super-beings on the planet in waiting – in waiting because we know that we are about more than what we’re experiencing. We know more than what our selves are. We have a broader spectrum of awareness, which makes the possibility and the potential of other beings dependent on ours.

Our potential as beings is completely dependent on our response, as awareness, to what we are knowing the truth of in our hearts, and not becoming distracted in our selves with the life we have, the life that seems to serve our selves.

Realizing what we really are that is true to what we’re knowing, despite what we’re understanding and not understanding, despite what our experiences are, brings up our own beings into our hearts. Realizing what we are as beings, beings that move and form our selves, brings us into what we are as beings, the realization of our beings; having being-filled lives; relating to each other through our selves and our persons as beings; bringing our forms about; turning our own forms to match in form and function what we are realizing as beings.

As greater reality opens and begins a little bit to move in our midst, the draw upon our own beings is greatly heightened and magnified. It invites not just the realization of what we are as beings, but what we are as beings within reality that is greater than this reality which has been prevalent for so long. When it is time for reality to open because of greater reality moving, the draw upon our own beings is much greater. The opportunity is also much greater.

As greater reality moves and opens within reality, opening reality, we are able to come into our function as beings that matches not just all of reality but greater reality, bringing about the realization of levels and function in our beings that opens and moves and develops and evolves only with the movement of greater reality.

Greater reality appeals differently to our beings than reality, accomplishing a different development, a different development of our beings, bringing about different abilities in our selves, abilities within our selves that enable us in our forms to function and move with greater reality opening in this reality.

When you know the truth of its resonance, you also know within that nothing matters more. Its resonance, the resonance of greater reality, magnifies and heightens everything else that you know. With greater reality moving, the evolution of awareness is greatly magnified. The speed at which we can evolve as awareness is greatly increased.

Greater reality moving and opening in reality is the promise that reality, as we’ve known it, is going to change. In our selves, when we are limited to our selves by taking our selves to heart, this change of reality is going to exceed the capacity of our selves. That heightens the knowing, within, to abide in the resources that are deeper, within, than what our selves are. It brings about the beautiful pressure to move into what we are as beings.

The appeal of greater reality in changing reality isn’t to our selves. It’s a threat to our selves. The appeal is to our beings. It answers our beings. The more our beings are being answered, the greater the invitation and the pull for our own beings to come up into our hearts, and our being-filled hearts to come up into our selves and to occupy all of our selves; for our beings to really have our selves.

We are beings much more than we are selves. We are not really our selves until our selves match, in form, what we are in our beings. The change of our selves to match our beings is the fulfillment of being our selves. The resistance to being mastered by our own beings is the crippling of our selves. When we are, in our selves, mastered by what we are in our beings, our selves are freed – freed to move as beings. Our selves then synchronize with the deeper levels of reality. As selves we move as one with reality. 

We don’t need to be convinced in our selves of the truth of this. We either know it a tiny, tiny little bit and know the resonance of it, or we’re not knowing it. As soon as greater reality moves and touches us, we awaken and we know differently. We awaken to the knowing of a resonance, within, that is dear and true and not understood.

What we know within and in our hearts is to respond, to respond to what we know the truth of, despite any and all inconvenience. It is a profound, all-encompassing, beautiful inconvenience that says, “It’s time.” In knowing that, we know that we are called.

As beings we naturally develop and evolve to match the environment of reality that we’re in. We are always drawn, because of being in reality, to the realization of our beings. It is always a pull in our hearts.

When greater reality moves into reality, the environment within which our beings develop and evolve changes, changing what we will be about as beings. With greater reality opening and moving, the possibility and the opportunity is beyond that of the realization of our beings.