How Can I Connect With My Family?

Q: My question is about family. How can we be with family in our hearts when we feel very different from them?

John: When you’re in your heart, you’ll see in the others what isn’t different. Your whole sense of meaning in being together will be based on what isn’t different, enabling the differences to have a brightness of color without a sense of polarity. When you’re in your heart toward the others, their differences – how their personalities and selves are different from yours – become dear to you, enabling your love for them to not be based on what they are being to you and how they’re behaving.

As you live from your heart in the midst of family, unconditionally, what you’ll develop toward the others, regardless of how they behave and what they do, is heart understanding. You’ll learn to see from a deeper place and you’ll not easily be taking things personally anymore. In that way, the deeper the level that you’re coming from within, the more you infuse family with meaning. There’s no performance in that. You won’t be performance-oriented. Instead of performing or working for love or acceptance, you quietly receive it wherever it is. You’re not dependent on it for you to be what you really are, and to move that way toward the other.

No one else in your family needs to come from their heart – just you. As soon as you need someone else to be in their heart, that means that you’ll be in your heart as soon as they are.

 

Mothering From Your Unadorned Heart

Q: I would like to deepen the connection between me and my child, and be more aware in it. Can you help me to do that?

John: Be really seen. Reveal your heart and give your heart without embellishment, so that when you’re giving your heart, your heart given is unadorned. Then your child is fully meeting you. Don’t push your way or have your own way. Don’t use any power to have what is personal for you at your child’s expense, and at the same time be kindly strong with what you are clear about.

All of this draws your child into being seen, being heard and not needing to use any power to do so, inviting your child into a strength of clarity. With a richness of heart, make it really easy for your child to never need to lie. Value a quiet love, enabling your child to read you deeply, then there’s room for supportive excitement. When you’re agitated in any way, like being slow to speak, and when you’ve fallen short in any way, like being quick to speak. If you are happy in all of this, your child will be deeply safe and free to be seen in everything.

Don’t try to correct your child or give instruction if, at the same time, you are not being seen. If you are being seen, your child will love learning from you. In the midst of your availability, share your realizations and your child will come into the same. If you are always giving your heart while being seen – giving your heart in a quieted way without embellishment, your heart being given unadorned – your child will know that it doesn’t have to do anything for love. Your child will grow up not being performance-oriented.  

Don’t be overly motherly and your child will have no need of being childish.