Sarah, Author at John de Ruiter Gems

Past, Present And Future: Awakening To The Beingness Of Time

October 28, 2020 by Sarah

Q: Crying has been coming very easily lately, and I don’t know why. I know there is remorse about my past. I wanted to really look and know the truth, and a whole picture came, with an opening of my heart. I’m trying to be soft with the pain of it, but I don’t like seeing the results of my actions on my children and grandchildren. I’m trying to move on and accept it. What do you see in this?

John: The present isn’t real if it is not free to fully include the past. The past is such an important part of the present. The greater the difference between the present and the past, the more significant the barrier between conscious awareness and subconscious awareness.

The conscious awareness and the present is only as real as it is connected to where it came from. That brings not only your source right into conscious awareness, but also the whole of the past: the whole of everything, consciously welcome within the present.

When consciousness increases in the present, that causes such meaningful upheaval, always integrating every level that existed in the past that you had no conscious awareness of, re-discovering the present in the past.

As awareness, you cannot move through your own beingness without awakening to the beingness of time. When you are dwelling within the beingness of time, there is a living connectedness to the whole of time. Then, even time is fully, really you. Then there is knowing where you came from, what you came through, what you presently are in that, and within all of that, where it is that you are going.

Real purpose exists when time is not something that is partitioned within you, when time is not made up of fragmented solids but is the same as your own beingness. Awareness that is growing within itself is always increasingly knowing itself as the whole of time.

Time is the same being that you are. It is not about you opening your past, but your past really opening you: you letting your subconscious awareness freely open up your conscious awareness. Then, knowing your future opens you, as does knowing your past.

Q: What do you mean by “knowing your future?”

John: The beginning of knowing your future is you knowing the beingness of your future. That doesn’t give you understanding of your future; it intimately connects you with your future. Then you know your future as you do know your self, even if you presently do not understand your future or understand your self.

The beginning of knowing your self, the past or the future is you knowing the beingness of each.

Q: I feel some connection to what you are saying inasmuch as I know the outside world isn’t as interesting to me as it used to be. The inside is much more interesting. Is that linked to what you’re saying?

John: That’s the beginning of it. It is the interior that gives meaning to the exterior. The exterior does also give meaning to the interior, but it is very easy to get lost in that. Within each there is the natural swinging of a pendulum, the momentum of realization: first of one’s exterior existence and then, if there is realness, also of one’s interior existence.

Each time that there’s movement into the one and then into the other, there is an integrating of the one from the other. Slowly, the two become inseparable … until there is no longer a difference.

Just You, Loved: Flourishing In The Mystery Of Your Sexuality

October 21, 2020 by Sarah

Q: There’s something I want to get clear about that’s been a troublemaker in my life since I was little. You’ve recently said something like: “Your sexuality is made for this” and “the closest in all of your life for this to have is your sexuality.” Something like that. And it links to something else you’ve said recently, too, which is to do with coming here to marry on the highest level. Are you speaking about the power of human sexuality to move through and with that?

John: Not its power, but its inherent capacity to translate your being, and beyond, into your self and to your self.

Q: I don’t understand.

John: Sexuality is the most powerful human engine to translate into your self and to your self what is deeper than your self. Sexuality is first a mystery. In you, it’s your mystery. Experience of sexuality in your self covers that mystery. Experience turns your sexuality into something that is all understood. That’s not real. The mystery of your sexuality is real.

Q: That feels like a relief!

John: Draw any conclusions about your sexuality and you cover its mystery – conclusions both positive and negative.

Q: So that place of the melding, of consuming and being consumed is the non-polarity unity space that feels so sexual but not personal, sometimes, for me.

John: Don’t understand your sexuality, and it flowers because its mystery moves. As the mystery of your sexuality is free to move in your body and in your self, it cleans you.

Q: But sometimes I block it.

John: Do anything with it for your self and from your self, and you block its mystery. You block its magicalness. The movement of the mystery of your sexuality unstopped, in your body and in your self, re-contextualizes you. You don’t get to understand you: you get to know you.

The magical sexual fields, within, are inaccessible to your self. They are only accessible by you, you without your self. They are accessible to you as you are taken by the unknown within, in you, that you directly know the presence of, but in your self are clueless about. Presume to understand and you lose accessibility. Understanding doesn’t give it to you. It doesn’t give you the access. Pure you does.

For you to really get to know its mystery is for you to let its garden grow, flourish in your body and in your self without you doing anything with that in your life, without you making it useful positively or negatively.

You freely let this garden develop in your body, move freely in your body, move freely in your self, without you in your life using that to create a bridge to others; that it lives contained in your body, contained in your self. But the depth of beingness that moves in the mystery of your sexuality, that beingness freely moves outside of your body, outside of your self, to everyone and everything. That is deeper level womanness.

Q: I see how trying to understand and judging how far in I can go is blocking me from entering further. There’s this very human part of me that wants to say I’m so sorry for not getting it right sooner.

John: That’s easy: forgiven!

Q: And it’s okay if it’s just a little bit of knowing and beingness? Everything doesn’t all have to be ethereal and celestial? Because I have these peak experiences and then I think “That’s it! I need to be there every second!” And I’m not.

John: Erase them. Erase your peak experiences, and their frequency, their code, lives: lives in you, moves in you. As you reference from your self the experience, you cover its frequency; you cover its coding.

Q: Really?

John: Be warmly blind in all of your self concerning spirituality, and you’ll see.

Q: Oh, I love that! That gentle, tender, delicateness, warmly blind.

John: You are loved. Leave everything out of that. Don’t connect it to anything. Live loved, and you’ll turn into it. No mental connections, no beliefs, no conclusions, no bridges. Just loved. No love narrative. Just you, loved.

If that is the only thing that you live, inside, nothing added to it for the rest of your life, you will die in a garden, a garden that has grown all of your life. That garden that you die in, after you’ve died, lives.

You, loved, without any mental connection … and the mystery of your sexuality will flourish.

Bye for now, garden girl.

Living In The Light Of Goodness That Doesn’t Pass Away

October 14, 2020October 14, 2020 by Sarah

Q: It’s been such a rich experience for me to be here with you, and I’m grateful. My question is about fear. A year ago I was treated for cancer and my heart was damaged by the radiation. No one can tell me if this will heal or how long it will take. I feel such fear and insecurity because of this. I hope you can help me.

John: You will be just fine after you die, and for sure you’re going to die. You have no real reason to be afraid of dying. You’re not afraid of leaving everything behind and entering what you cannot really comprehend; you do it each time you go to sleep. It’s a little bit like dying. Everything starts to fade out.

When you lie down to go to sleep, your day is the first to fade away. As your day passes away, your person passes away. Your self remains, and as you become quieted in your self, your self begins to pass away. How you relate to your self passes away, and you’re resting in your heart. There’s not much there anymore, but it’s really good. As you continue to relate more deeply, deeper than your own heart, you fall asleep.

What you are deeply familiar with, in this, is goodness. What comes after you being awake in your body is you falling asleep in your body. Goodness doesn’t diminish and what you really are doesn’t diminish. You come through it all in the next day and you start anew. That’s all very similar to what dying is like; what there is before and what there is after.

If your heart is damaged because of the radiation treatment, and if that damage is outside your control, is not able to be addressed, then whatever that damage is, it is. If that brings you closer to dying, then you’re closer to dying. You’re closer to the next goodness.

You don’t need to move into the next goodness with haste, and you don’t need to stay in the present goodness in a way of holding back from the next. You know that you love goodness. Love being in the goodness that you’re in, and when the next goodness comes, when that time comes where this present goodness is over, you are goodness, you love goodness, and you’ll move into the next goodness.

If you hold onto the present one, fearing what you’ll lose when you move into the next one, then you’re not really in this goodness. Be in all of this goodness that you can, beautifully relaxed in it, really moving in it, while at a moment’s notice you’re ready for the next goodness.

When you are deeply quieted and gentled in your heart, you are not afraid of dying. Let that settle the entire issue. Concerning the issue, rest in what you know.

Rest in what you know in your heart, and live. Live that way until it’s all done.

Q: When I hear what you say, it sounds as if my dying is close by in time, and I don’t feel that.

John: Sooner or later is close.

It doesn’t matter how long you live. What matters is that you really live, but from the deepest you know the truth of, until it’s all done.

For you to really live, let your death, whenever that is going to be, very sweetly occupy a little part of your heart. The light of that goodness will deeply inspire you in your living. You’ll not live as though everything is going to last, and you’ll relate to meaning in everything.

You’ll be that which doesn’t pass away in the midst of everything that you know is not going to last.

Building From The Goodness Within

October 7, 2020 by Sarah

Q: How can I take on new responsibilities and at the same time be okay with what’s around me?

John: On the inside, by you always being about building something. As easy as it is for you to break something on the inside or the outside, you become clear that you’re really all about building.

When you are about building something good on the inside, you’re taking on new responsibility and it changes your whole relationship with everything that’s outside of your self. It changes your relationship with circumstances and difficulty, and with others.

When you’re building something on the inside, you’ll be putting something together that in your heart you know is good, and you’re helping that goodness on the inside. You’re being responsible for what is good in you, and that changes how you are with others.

Just live liking helping what is good inside. It feels a little bit like watering a flower.

Notice the different flowers inside and like helping them, and you’ll see them in others.

Free Of Control: Being Together In Love

September 30, 2020 by Sarah

Q: I want to talk to you about control. I really know I need to let go of control in my life, in particular my controlling of other people. I’m always telling my partner what to do, and not believing he’s doing his best.

John: That’s because you let your nervous system master you. You let your nervous system rule instead of you letting your gentled and quieted heart rule.

Practically, this is like you, in the circumstances of your relationship and your life, quietly enjoying that you no longer need to be in control; you, quietly being nurtured in no longer needing control.

Q: I feel like a baby who needs to learn how to walk again. Despite all I know, I still have the idea he’s not doing enough as a father and that it’s hurting my kids. I know it’s not true, but I so often act from this fear in our life.

John: That’s because your bottom line is that you want him to do what you want him to do, instead of your bottom line being that he’s genuinely free to do or not. That means that you value him, instead of what you want from him as a personality; that you quietly want him more than anything that he’s able to do, and that you live that.

When you want him, more than anything he can do, you’ll not be using control on him. You won’t be speaking to his personality. You won’t be telling him what to do. Instead, in all of the moments that he’s with you, you’d love that you can see him. It’s not what he does or doesn’t do that matters to you. He matters to you.

You can start out with, for one month, within every circumstance and every day, that you require nothing of him. You won’t tell him what to do. You won’t ask him to do things. Whatever he does, he does, and what he doesn’t do, he doesn’t do, and you’ll not do anything about that; that your relationship with him isn’t based on your capacity to control.

Your relationship with him, for one month, is based only on your heart directly to his.

Q: I’ll try that. On the subject of parenting, I want to ask you about doing or not doing with our children. When I see my partner with our children, he’s fully present, fully alive, patient and full of his heart. It’s inspiring to me, but still there’s that little voice saying “maybe he should take them to the pool, go hiking with them ….” and it’s eating me inside.

John: Then, also during this whole month, you make no recommendation of what to do with the children. Whatever he does, what he invites you to, that’s what the two of you do. You make no invitations. You make no recommendations.

All you are for this whole month is a deep, quiet, full heart in seeing him. You let him be in charge of everything you think matters, and what you are is love that fills all the space that he controls.

Q: I just had the thought “now it’s going to be chaos!”

John: It won’t be chaos. It’ll be love.

Q: I know, but how can I do it, practically?

John: The way that works is completely: not a little bit, not a lot, but completely. For one month completely use no control, completely have no control. Completely is easy. Ninety-nine percent is a little bit difficult. Fifty percent is very hard. Ten percent is horrible!

For one month all you are is a love follower. Everywhere you follow, you fill.

Q: And then what will happen?

John: You’ll be love instead of you being what you’re used to. You’ll be love instead of you being your nervous system.

Q: I keep feeling I’m so nearly there, and then a big wave of anger or control takes me over.

John: This other part is your investment in getting something back, your investment in results. So you’ll soften until you see that softening isn’t giving you what you want, and then you’ll use control. If softening doesn’t work, control will work.

Open and soften without any view of having a return, without any view of results. Open and soften in a way that is not in relationship to results. It’s not connected to results. You’re used to softening to get what you want. If that doesn’t work, you quickly use power.

Your real power isn’t your power of thought and feeling, will and emotion. Your real power is your openness and softness of heart.

Let your real power have you. Let it master you in your whole relationship.

Q: Thank you.

How Can I Be With My Angry Father?

September 23, 2020 by Sarah

Q: A few years ago I decided not to see my father anymore. Sometimes I feel it’s not okay to say “no” to your father, but it has also given me huge peace. I’m scared of getting caught in this father/daughter story again when I go home, but I’ve also realized that I don’t need love from my parents. I don’t know whether to see him now, or not.

John: Whether you see him or not, it needs to be warm. Then not seeing him or seeing him is not because of any kind of issue. See him or don’t see him, but either way let it be warmly issue-free.

Q: To manage that I’ve got to be free of my past with him. When I’m with him I start spinning again.

John: Love seeing the difference between him and his self.

Q: Is seeing the difference what sets me free?

John: When you see the difference, despite what’s taken place in the past, despite what kind of self he’s had in the past and despite what kind of self he has now, you love him. After you’ve both died, he won’t have the self he has and you won’t have the self you have. As soon as you meet, both of you will love.

Q: So it’s better to wait until then!

John: Don’t wait until he dies for you to see the difference between him and his self.

Q: I do see the difference, but I can’t be around him physically because he’s so angry.

John: That’s fine. You don’t need to be around him. You don’t need to be with him. You do need to open. Concerning him, you need to open. You don’t need to do anything with him. When you think of him, open. If something triggers your past with him, open.

Q: I’ve thought of my self as open, but I can also see where that ends in me. In the meeting just now I noticed I opened further. Is it the same with my father?

John: Yes. With him you don’t need to do anything that you don’t know. If you don’t know to see him and to spend time with him, you don’t need to be in resistance to it; you can just warmly not spend time with him.

You have a bond with him. The bond is real. It’s your real connection with him. Don’t use how he’s been with you to cover that bond. If you are warmly not spending time with him, it’s easy for you to see your bond with him, and seeing it, being in it, doesn’t mean that you need to spend time with him.

Being in your bond with him doesn’t mean that you need to be in relationship with him.

The goodness in him doesn’t deserve you closing your heart when you think of him. If you don’t spend any time with him, that doesn’t mean, on its own, that you’re closing your heart to him or that you’re forsaking any goodness that’s in him.

You love him and you love what is there of your bond with him. You love the goodness that you know in him, and all of that doesn’t mean that you need to spend time with him.

Q: So there’s a gift in the bond which has been between us?

John: It’s the part that’s real and it doesn’t end. Put a mountain on top of it, and eventually the mountain will pass away; the bond won’t.

Q: I don’t understand.

John: This planet isn’t permanent. Your bond with him is permanent, and it’s pure goodness.

Q: That’s what is difficult for me because I remember most strongly what was not loving about him.

John: Don’t hold anything that he’s done to you against his being. Your openness doesn’t connect you to what he’s done. Your openness connects you to what he really is. Your openness connects you to his being. Don’t see him again without a single thread holding that together.

You don’t need to close in order to not go to see him. You need to completely open for you to genuinely not go to see him. That puts you into the bond.

When you’re in the bond, your bond with him is like a golden thread that goes through all of your past with him. It was there all the time. His treatment of you didn’t break it. It’s not breakable.

Q: I sometimes felt I was his mother and he was my child. It’s very weird.

John: You were as his mother, in some way, because you loved him.

Q: I can sense my love for him a little bit.

John: That’s enough.

Q: I remember it was there when I was a child; that whatever he did I would still be totally open and loving.

Openness: Your Love, Your Life

September 17, 2020September 16, 2020 by Sarah

Q: I feel stuck in my patterns. They just keep coming back and back.

John: Your patterns will move because of the energy that’s stored in them. It doesn’t matter what patterns you have. All that matters is that despite anything at all that moves, you open.

Q: Being open is the thing that frightens me most. It’s helpful to hear that it’s not a question of what happened in your childhood, or the relationship you had with your parents; that you have the power to just open and …

John: And that’s it! Not even open and heal – just open. The healing is beautifully incidental.

Your first love isn’t that of healing. Your first love is openness. The happiness of a child still in its innocence isn’t because of what it does. The child is happy because of its openness, manifested in all of the little things that it does.

So this is your real life – your only real life. It’s within your interior. It isn’t dependent on your self, others or anything outside of your self. It’s dependent on you; you, living within, open. It’s your love, your life, because there isn’t anything else that is really you. That’s pure you.

If things go well, you open. If things don’t go well, you open. If things go horribly, you open. It’s what you are. Nothing needs to go your way. No one needs to like you. No one needs to love you. No one needs to treat you well. Despite anything and everything, you open.

Marry openness and remain that way through sickness and through health. Openness, unconditioned, is your beloved. It’s what you give to your wife regardless of what she’s like.

On account of openness alone, you will turn inside out, regardless of what that makes you feel like. You living from your innermost outwards instead of you existing from the outside in … but not too far. All the control is held by the outside.

Instead of living from the outside in, as you unconditionally relax into being what you really are you will turn from the inside out – a whole different movement of form. Instead of a person that has a self that has a heart and has a being, you’ll live as a being that has a heart that has a self that has a person and a life. It’s a most delicate flip.

Q: I think I’d like to stop there. I think that’s the essence of what I need. Other than that I’m just telling a story and I don’t want to tell stories. It doesn’t matter. You know the story!

John: If you continue in this you are going to turn into a delightfully peculiar sweetie-pie!

Q: As my wife would say, it’s better than being an angry so-and-so! I feel bad because nothing I’ve done has moved me.

John: Feeling bad for what you’ve done is fine as long as, in its depth, it is only momentary. It’s there, you open to its depth, and it’s gone.

In that way, guilt and shame are most delicate messengers. As soon as they appear at your door, you open and then they’re gone. You got the message.

Q: I see what you mean.

The Responsibility Of A Lifetime

September 11, 2020September 9, 2020 by Sarah

“I am only here to empower the little bit that you know, to profoundly set things straight, to introduce healing first to the deep and inviting everything else to follow.

I am only helping where you came from, not the interests that you come here with. This isn’t going to make your life any bit better; it will only make it true, letting what counts the most count first.

What is happening here is like a wave, and inasmuch as you know it, it is really not worth wasting. There isn’t much time to realize and apply the deep – just one lifetime. That is such a responsibility.

The responsibility is so great, but so is where you came from so great. But you won’t find it in the big; you find it in the little.”

~ John de Ruiter

It’s Time: Responding To The Call Of Greater Reality

September 2, 2020 by Sarah

Q: I heard a blackbird singing and felt a little envious because he’s doing what he purely is, and he will die without complaint having done all he could. That’s what we try to accomplish, and I sensed that this is what you do. Can you tell me what is so special about being human?

John: We are the up-and-coming super-beings on the planet in waiting – in waiting because we know that we are about more than what we’re experiencing. We know more than what our selves are. We have a broader spectrum of awareness, which makes the possibility and the potential of other beings dependent on ours.

Our potential as beings is completely dependent on our response, as awareness, to what we are knowing the truth of in our hearts, and not becoming distracted in our selves with the life we have, the life that seems to serve our selves.

Realizing what we really are that is true to what we’re knowing, despite what we’re understanding and not understanding, despite what our experiences are, brings up our own beings into our hearts. Realizing what we are as beings, beings that move and form our selves, brings us into what we are as beings, the realization of our beings; having being-filled lives; relating to each other through our selves and our persons as beings; bringing our forms about; turning our own forms to match in form and function what we are realizing as beings.

As greater reality opens and begins a little bit to move in our midst, the draw upon our own beings is greatly heightened and magnified. It invites not just the realization of what we are as beings, but what we are as beings within reality that is greater than this reality which has been prevalent for so long. When it is time for reality to open because of greater reality moving, the draw upon our own beings is much greater. The opportunity is also much greater.

As greater reality moves and opens within reality, opening reality, we are able to come into our function as beings that matches not just all of reality but greater reality, bringing about the realization of levels and function in our beings that opens and moves and develops and evolves only with the movement of greater reality.

Greater reality appeals differently to our beings than reality, accomplishing a different development, a different development of our beings, bringing about different abilities in our selves, abilities within our selves that enable us in our forms to function and move with greater reality opening in this reality.

When you know the truth of its resonance, you also know within that nothing matters more. Its resonance, the resonance of greater reality, magnifies and heightens everything else that you know. With greater reality moving, the evolution of awareness is greatly magnified. The speed at which we can evolve as awareness is greatly increased.

Greater reality moving and opening in reality is the promise that reality, as we’ve known it, is going to change. In our selves, when we are limited to our selves by taking our selves to heart, this change of reality is going to exceed the capacity of our selves. That heightens the knowing, within, to abide in the resources that are deeper, within, than what our selves are. It brings about the beautiful pressure to move into what we are as beings.

The appeal of greater reality in changing reality isn’t to our selves. It’s a threat to our selves. The appeal is to our beings. It answers our beings. The more our beings are being answered, the greater the invitation and the pull for our own beings to come up into our hearts, and our being-filled hearts to come up into our selves and to occupy all of our selves; for our beings to really have our selves.

We are beings much more than we are selves. We are not really our selves until our selves match, in form, what we are in our beings. The change of our selves to match our beings is the fulfillment of being our selves. The resistance to being mastered by our own beings is the crippling of our selves. When we are, in our selves, mastered by what we are in our beings, our selves are freed – freed to move as beings. Our selves then synchronize with the deeper levels of reality. As selves we move as one with reality.

We don’t need to be convinced in our selves of the truth of this. We either know it a tiny, tiny little bit and know the resonance of it, or we’re not knowing it. As soon as greater reality moves and touches us, we awaken and we know differently. We awaken to the knowing of a resonance, within, that is dear and true and not understood.

What we know within and in our hearts is to respond, to respond to what we know the truth of, despite any and all inconvenience. It is a profound, all-encompassing, beautiful inconvenience that says, “It’s time.” In knowing that, we know that we are called.

As beings we naturally develop and evolve to match the environment of reality that we’re in. We are always drawn, because of being in reality, to the realization of our beings. It is always a pull in our hearts.

When greater reality moves into reality, the environment within which our beings develop and evolve changes, changing what we will be about as beings. With greater reality opening and moving, the possibility and the opportunity is beyond that of the realization of our beings.

The Ultimate Power Of Pure You, Your First Love

August 26, 2020 by Sarah

Q: My question is: what is it that I most need to hear?

John: The tiniest little bit that’s never changed. Throughout the decades of your life it’s been a constant, and without realizing it in your mind and in your understanding, it’s also your first love. It is your beloved. What that is, is most delicate okayness. Any time that you’ve turned to it and lived from it, even for a little bit of time, the fountain of goodness returns to your life.

That tiny little bit, that unconditioned okayness, that tender okayness within, just as is, is your home, and there isn’t anything that you need to do first for you to be that. There isn’t anything for you to change or address for you to be that. The moment you turn to it, you love it. You love it because just by being that tiny little bit, you are being pure you, and you have it without a process, without effort.

As with anything, it will only have the power that you give it. When you’re not in that most delicate okayness within, that tells you that you’ve been giving your power to the wrong thing and you’re free to turn it around.

There isn’t anything that prevents you: not your past, not the condition of your self, not your circumstances, and no one else. When you see this for what it really is, you, awareness, have ultimate power.

You live your life from within that tiny, tiny little bit.