How Can I Connect With My Family?

Q: My question is about family. How can we be with family in our hearts when we feel very different from them?

John: When you’re in your heart, you’ll see in the others what isn’t different. Your whole sense of meaning in being together will be based on what isn’t different, enabling the differences to have a brightness of color without a sense of polarity. When you’re in your heart toward the others, their differences – how their personalities and selves are different from yours – become dear to you, enabling your love for them to not be based on what they are being to you and how they’re behaving.

As you live from your heart in the midst of family, unconditionally, what you’ll develop toward the others, regardless of how they behave and what they do, is heart understanding. You’ll learn to see from a deeper place and you’ll not easily be taking things personally anymore. In that way, the deeper the level that you’re coming from within, the more you infuse family with meaning. There’s no performance in that. You won’t be performance-oriented. Instead of performing or working for love or acceptance, you quietly receive it wherever it is. You’re not dependent on it for you to be what you really are, and to move that way toward the other.

No one else in your family needs to come from their heart – just you. As soon as you need someone else to be in their heart, that means that you’ll be in your heart as soon as they are.

 

Mothering From Your Unadorned Heart

Q: I would like to deepen the connection between me and my child, and be more aware in it. Can you help me to do that?

John: Be really seen. Reveal your heart and give your heart without embellishment, so that when you’re giving your heart, your heart given is unadorned. Then your child is fully meeting you. Don’t push your way or have your own way. Don’t use any power to have what is personal for you at your child’s expense, and at the same time be kindly strong with what you are clear about.

All of this draws your child into being seen, being heard and not needing to use any power to do so, inviting your child into a strength of clarity. With a richness of heart, make it really easy for your child to never need to lie. Value a quiet love, enabling your child to read you deeply, then there’s room for supportive excitement. When you’re agitated in any way, like being slow to speak, and when you’ve fallen short in any way, like being quick to speak. If you are happy in all of this, your child will be deeply safe and free to be seen in everything.

Don’t try to correct your child or give instruction if, at the same time, you are not being seen. If you are being seen, your child will love learning from you. In the midst of your availability, share your realizations and your child will come into the same. If you are always giving your heart while being seen – giving your heart in a quieted way without embellishment, your heart being given unadorned – your child will know that it doesn’t have to do anything for love. Your child will grow up not being performance-oriented.  

Don’t be overly motherly and your child will have no need of being childish.

 

 

On Primal Fear, Entities And The Price of Real Freedom

Q: In recent weeks I’ve felt very strong survival issues and my survival seems more important than anything else. I feel a very deep, primal fear.

John: Have no issue with it. It’s clear: you are not going to survive. You’re going to die, so until then live from deeply within.

Q: I’ve twice felt I was getting into a story about it. Both times fear of a death so total came super-strongly, and I managed to escape from it.

John: If it is real and true, it’s good and it’s coming – now or later. If it’s not true and it’s false, there isn’t anything for you to do about it. There’s nothing there to work with. You being gentled and quieted in your heart makes you available for whatever it is that’s true, and you being gentled and quieted in your heart makes you unavailable to anything that’s false, whatever that is.

Q: I sense that spirituality can sugar-coat this kind of thing, but I don’t seem able to.

John: Primal fear doesn’t exist. That’s an oxymoron.

Q: But it does seem to exist for me.

John: Just because you are powerfully thinking and feeling something doesn’t mean that it’s real and true. All it means is that you are powerfully thinking and feeling something. That’s it. Give that no interpretation.

Q: What do I give it, then? Do I just allow it to be there?

John: Without you tending to it. What you really are is not fearful. Fear is an experiential add-on. The more you give it, the more tightly it holds to you, grips on you. Without you empowering it, on its own, it has nothing to do with you.

Q: There was another time in my life when fear came. It was almost like an entity around me, a spirit. Maybe it’s come back. Would you say something about the entities that are around?

John: You be gentled and quieted in your heart, absolutely rested in your heart, and whatever that entity does to you, however powerfully you experience it – it doesn’t matter what it activates in your self, what it feels like – all you are is rested in your heart. It’s all you actually know. You don’t know what to do about that entity, so then, quietly, don’t: don’t fear, don’t react, don’t want to run, don’t think of what you can do. Buy into none of it. You, absolutely, unwaveringly gentled and quieted, rested in your heart, leave an entity with nothing in you. Nothing comes from you to that entity. It can only have what it can provoke from you. It will do whatever it does to you, while you are rested in your heart.

Q: For your self – when everything disappeared that was you, John, before – was there such a thing as fear, or was it just total surrender and love?

John: Anyone who is free isn’t so without being so quiet within, believing only the truth within, and not putting together anything anymore based only on thought, feeling and past experience, and has allowed all of that to experientially die.

Anyone who is free, in their living, died peacefully in the midst of great upheaval and difficulty.

Q: In the midst of great upheaval and difficulty?

John: Yes, definitely. Anyone who is free – really free – paid for it.

Q: Yes. I like to have it but not pay for it! It’s so tempting: you know you’re going to die and are promised eternal life if you let go of it all …

John: You can have it all now, and pay later.

Q: What do you mean by “have it all”?

John: You and you have the power to be this being absolutely taken by the deepest quietude in your heart which makes you, as beingness, no longer like this (John extends a closed fist) and truly, all the way through, like this (he extends and opens his hand) open: quietly nothing from the perspective of your self. That opens your heart to what you are as a being, and as you remain in that quietude you flow into your being and your being flows into your self. Living that will cost you the upheaval of all of your subconsciousness. Everything in life that you come into is going to pull up every mechanism and trigger that you’ve been running away from. It will pull up and confirm everything not integrated in your self. It will expose all in your form, in your self, in your mind, that isn’t just like what you really are.

Q: Is this immediate or is it a process?

John: The dying, the passing away of all of your false investments and the false investments of your ancestors embedded in your self, happens slowly. That requires a process of you being what needs no process for you to be. Only core honesty within to what you directly know is instant. The everything is without process. The dying of what is false will take some time, while you live, in your walk.

Be now. Be in your walk and don’t mind paying for all of that as you go. If you mind, you’ll side with your self. You’ll side with what you feel and what you think. You’ll side with your past conclusions. You’ll side with all of the false conclusions that your ancestors have made and passed down to you, all embedded in your self – thousands of voices – and they will all hold you to them through your belief.

Q: This honesty, does that also include the honesty in normal living? I have this sense that sometimes it is beneficial to be dishonest on the surface.

John: Don’t address the surface first. Don’t apply your honesty to the surface first. That’s not a license for dishonesty, but where you go with your honesty is straight to your core and then you be from your core what you really are. You’re being it because all of your honesty pours into and faces what you really are, which enables you to be that. Nothing else has you, and then you be that coming back up through all of your levels, through your heart, into your self, into your personality. You let that, from the inside out, mean whatever that means in your life. Whatever you know that means, whether you like it or not, you’ll quietly be it.

Q: I want to ask you one more thing. I’m still puzzled by what “as above, so below” means.  It’s like a riddle in my mind.

John: The highest truth and the deepest truth are intimately mirroring each other. They are not without each other. Closer to your self, it also applies. The truth that’s there in your higher self and deeper self is there because at some point you’ve already lived it. There is no deeper self or higher self that you haven’t lived.

A deeper self and higher self come about by you being what you directly know the truth of in your heart, in your walk. That forms your deeper self. It forms your higher self. The two together comprise the realness of your self. It’s what you have actually integrated in your self of what it’s like to be what you really are, in your walk, in your life.

Q: Thank you, John.

 

Physical Pain: What Really Helps?

Q: I’ve had pain in both legs for a year, and in one of my feet every day. I’d like to know what’s happening with my legs.

John: First, you don’t need to know what’s going on with the pain in your legs for you to be at home in your heart. If that’s not clear and settled for you, you will leave your heart because of the pain that’s in your legs. You’ll leave your heart in an effort to address your situation. You’ll leave your heart for pain relief. You don’t first need any pain relief. You can address the pain and you can address your legs. You can even look to know why it’s occurring, but anything that you address, address from within your heart. Address it because you’re in your heart instead of addressing it because the difficulty is there.

When anything that seems bad with your body is occurring, instead of going into what is bad with your body, start with what is good – not good with your body, but goodness in you. Where you find that is not in your self; it’s in your heart. Start with the goodness and from within that goodness address a difficulty that’s outside of that goodness. Then, difficulty doesn’t separate you from goodness.

If you heal your legs, that healing won’t bring you into your goodness. What puts you into your goodness is when that most deep and nurturing goodness within matters more to you than what’s occurring with your legs. That makes any attention that you give to the difficulty with your legs, goodness attention. That goodness attention is you being what you really are in response to your legs, instead of in reaction to your legs.

Failure in your body is integrated not by first addressing the failure, but by letting the failure in your body point to what you really are, so that any difficulty in your body or a difficulty in your life sends you to your heart. From there you address the difficulty. When nothing can separate you from your own heart, when no failure of your body can take you away from what you really are because being what you really are matters more to you than the condition of your body, that frees you from you being the tension in your body.

At some point, we are all going to suffer catastrophic failure in our body and are going to die. What matters most, until then, is what we’re being, within, in the midst of whatever comes along, so that we are the source of goodness within our lives and in our bodies. Then, instead of running after meaning – the meaning of healing or the meaning of acquiring anything – what we’re being is meaning, regardless of the condition of anything else. Then, instead of your legs being a problem, your legs are dear to you. Because they’re dear to you, you’ll naturally do what you can for them and everything that you do will be from your heart.

You are being goodness to your troubled legs.

 

The Way of Delicate Clarity

Q: I want to ask you about gentleness in the face of injustice or inappropriate behaviour. I’ve been told in the past that I should toughen-up, but I struggle with how to articulate with clarity when I see something that is wrong. How can I discern a true voice in that?

John: Gently go to the clarity you do have and, in the circumstance, kindly give it. While you’re in that, and after the fact from your own increasing clarity, love learning and you’ll make your way. The delicate in you will become strong without losing its delicateness. As you walk in this you’ll be increasingly coming into new ability. As you move that ability, you will be bringing change into your circumstances. You’ll be changing your self.

Q: Could you guide me a bit in discerning that which is clear from that which is muddled?

John: Anything that you’re able to see that is clear – any little bit, even if it is only one subtlety within the muddle – administer that subtlety in the same way that that subtlety is in the situation.

If just one subtlety of clarity is enough for you, you’ll always find it.

How Can I Help Others Heal?

Q: For some time I’ve been feeling that my purpose on earth is to help people heal, not as much physically as spiritually. What inside of me needs to open or develop to be able to do so?

John: You’re wanting to help people heal because you are open and sensitive to your needing healing. Your own sense in that then naturally moves toward others, but it isn’t that movement that you need to be following. It’s the first, within, that you need to be following.

You don’t need to help others heal. You just need to be rested, within, in your own healing. If you move in that toward others, you’ll be dissipating the deeper value within of healing. Let your own inner reservoir fill and fill and fill. The filling doesn’t belong to others. It belongs to your healing. The overflow belongs to others. When there is the overflow, you won’t be needing for others to heal. That alleviates them of your helpful self. That makes healing in them easier.

If you move in healing toward others without it being only an overflow, then toward others you will be a living confusion of healing and need. You’ll be slowing your own healing and you’ll be helping others heal, while slowing their healing.

The quieter your own overflow, the cleaner it is.

John Speaks Of His Awakening – And The Code To Ours

Q: John, I’m curious about how you were awakened. How did you remember who you are?

John: When I was seventeen, outside of my room at home, I deeply, deeply wondered. I wondered: what is it that is so much more than anything I’ve realized before? What is the deep, deep more? And in deeply wondering, I also simply, deeply, deeply opened, and as I opened I knew. I didn’t understand what I knew, but I really experienced what I knew. I experienced a most nurturing, profound sense of reality as much on the inside as on the outside, it all being, within multiple levels at the same time, all connected.

Q: So did you just choose or did you set an intention?

John: I didn’t choose as a person. I wasn’t standing outside of my room, standing there as a person choosing to open. I realize now that would have been much too small. I also didn’t stand there in my self and choose to open. That, I realize now, would also have been too small. As awareness, I opened.

Now I understand that if I would have used my person or my self, my thinking or my feeling, my emotions or my beliefs to open, I wouldn’t have had that profound awakening experience. I would have just moved in something that I was already accustomed to. It would have taken me deeper into something that I already had, whereas the profound awakening was my entrance, as awareness, into something that I’ve never known before and didn’t have before.

Q: So how do we get to what we don’t know?

John: By relating directly to the very deepest within that you do know. That takes you deeper than your person and your self. It takes you deeper within than all of your beliefs. It takes you deeper within than anything of your past, anything of your conditioning. That deepest knowing within won’t give you an understanding. It does give you a door, the door of what you most deeply know within – a door to more.

Whatever it is that you use, you increase. If you use your thinking, you increase your thinking; use feeling and you increase feeling. Anything that you’ve used that hasn’t brought you into the deepest within tells you what doesn’t work. The only thing that works to bring you to the deepest within is the deepest within. It isn’t going to be something that you can think or that you can feel, that you can understand. It isn’t something that you can look at from the perspective of your past and experience. When you are most deeply quieted within, you’re able to come to it by being it. It’s a profound opening within that’s beyond all experience.

Q: Is it immediate or is it a process?

John: It involves no process. As soon as you engage a process you make it difficult. There is a code to it. It’s something like a combination on a lock: trying really hard to make a combination work without knowing the combination doesn’t help you. You can get the combination right without even trying, without knowing the number, but then you’re just happening upon it and you likely won’t be able to do it again. There is something like a combination within, or a code. The deepest within has a code to it, and as soon as you are being that code your deepest interior opens.

The only real way of coming to it is through a fundamental relaxation: not you relaxing as a person, or as a self, but just you, without the use of anything that you’re used to, so it’s really genuinely you relaxing. It’s that essential relaxation that gives you access to your own deepest interior, deeper and beyond anything you’ve experienced before, but when you’re quieted within you know it’s there. As you essentially relax into that direct knowledge that informs you, you turn into that knowledge. As you do, you’ve fulfilled your own code and your own deepest interior is there, one with you: you’ve turned into it. You haven’t done something to turn into it. What enabled you to turn into it is that you are precisely being the same – being the same as that greatest depth within. If you’re not being the same, you can’t reach it.

Q: There’s no match.

John: Yes.

 

Beyond Want And Need: The Fineness of Love In Personal Relationship

Q: I don’t see where personal love – the love from one person to another – fits with the love which just is. Are they related, or is personal love between two people more based on wants, needs and desires? It seems to me that to dwell in the truth I know and to be in relationship must exclude each other. I don’t know your situation, but some teachers seem to be in relationship and others are complete renunciants. I’m in a relationship and feel I might have to give it up for truth. I don’t feel ready to do that.

John: It’s giving up everything for truth itself. That is you returning to the absolute and then being that, letting that express itself through everything including the personality. To be what love is outside of the personality feels safer than being what love is through the personality. It is when it moves through the personality that all the ‘velcro’ shows up. Anything that you’re not actually free of, when love moves through the personality then you get stuck. As soon as you get stuck, the love seems to be gone, so then you fear being in the personality because within it you seem to keep losing your first love. It is not that you lose it; it’s that within the personality, you get bought.

The fineness of love is when it moves through the personality without getting hooked.  That is where awareness becomes very fine in knowing what it is and in knowing how to move as love through sensation, without being distracted by sensation.

Q: You’re speaking of surrender to whatever happens through me, that in this way love moves and expresses through me and I don’t get stuck in my ideas of what I am or what needs to be done?

John: When your body opens up because your mind is opening up, because you are opening up, then when you touch someone, what moves through your body is a fullness of love. The sensation of it is entirely complete and connected all the way through to your innermost, so that one touch is like the experience of being, fully in form, connecting with another through even just a touch, connecting with another through form, all the way through into their innermost. The experience of that is so full, so complete, that if there’s anything in you at all that relates to want, at that point you’ll cease being what you know. You’ll walk out of what you know, and you’ll try to do it again just because you liked it. But if you’re remaining true in being what you know, then such an experience is no distraction. It is then everything that it is, without you needing to have it just once more. That is being in the midst of full experience but not being of it; you not turning into that experience and confusing that experience for what you know is true. Can you have such an experience without needing to repeat it?

Q: I don’t know.

John: That is what you’re in a body for. Then you’re always being new.

Q: I’ve had an experience of the fullness of my being, and when it was gone I was desperate to get it back, making it all worse. I saw it wasn’t my doing to begin with and I don’t know what will happen if it opens up again.

John: It is one thing to be what love is without you having a relationship. It’s another thing to be that in a relationship.

Q: That’s my question. I can see that I can use being as an escape to avoid issues, which is a retreat from reality. In close relationship with a lover, I’m going to be dealing with my wants and desires as well as hers, and even if I were fully established in my being, that ‘velcro’ is going to show up, right? Is there more to relationship than having wants and needs met and satisfied?

John: It’s not about that at all. When you’re in a relationship and you’re being what you know, the experiential playground is much greater – not the playground for doing, but the playground for being: being in it all regardless of its experience, without you being lost in the experience and identifying with it; you fully being in it without being distracted from what you actually know.  

The opportunity to awaken is much greater in a relationship, but the opportunity to close and harden is also much greater. A relationship intensifies everything. Everything happens faster. There is much more pulling on your patterns and there’s much more pulling on what you know. With every pull being so much stronger because of being in a relationship, in the midst of that, you be what you know instead of you being all of the other pulls.

Once you get past dealing with wants and needs so that they are no longer any issue, there are many rooms in this mansion of relationship, where the awareness of the two can be one, within the awareness of the one or the other.  It is want and need that keep the two experientially separate. It is when wants and needs are no longer of any issue that the two can be experientially one. As soon as there is something there within that would take – even just to repeat something because it was so awesome – then that takes of the one and it experientially makes of you two. Then you’re back to dealing with wants and needs instead of moving as one.

In a relationship that is free of its self, then the one awareness can travel through the awareness of the other. Then the awareness of the one can discover itself in the awareness of the other. It is heart and mind and body expanding, without a hook. The difference would be likened to existing on this earth plane or you no longer being confined to the earth plane, being able to travel elsewhere, be elsewhere, live elsewhere. That is what a relationship does.

A relationship isn’t at all about wants and needs. It’s about truth fulfilling itself in love – not just within one, but within two.

 

Living In The Bond Beneath Divorce

Q: In my last marriage, when I took the decision to divorce my husband I felt it was necessary to do it, but after two years there’s still so much grief and missing of him. It was not a healthy relationship. It was terrible, really – so much anger – but I wonder if the bond was strengthening. Did I give up too early? This comes into my mind again and again, and makes it difficult to be in new relationships.

John: For the next two years, live in your bond with him regardless of the relationship having ended. The bond is real. Any resistance to that is the polarization that you strengthened in your self that is all about likes and dislikes.

When you’re quieted in your heart, free of your self, you only love him. You don’t need a relationship with him to show it. You let it show in your heart. Let your bond with him thrive in your heart. The bond is what’s real. The relationship might not have been real. The bond is what never dies. You can cover it, you can look away from it, or you can let it live in you. The presence of that bond is presence of being. If you start a new relationship, keep living in this other bond.

There’s no bond that interferes with any real relationship.

 

How To Be A Good Influence In A Difficult Situation

Q1: I come from the States, and my question is about my connection to our society. I’ve never been political but I feel a sense of connection and therefore would like to be part of moving things in a more positive direction than I see happening politically. It feels hard to address without being angry about what’s going on, yet it doesn’t feel right not to address it.

John: In addressing it, by coming from a place within you that doesn’t relate to lack: relating from a fundamental goodness within. Address anything of what you speak without leaving that goodness within, so that you’re not coming from a place of negativity – you’re not coming from a place of dependency within on something on the surface having to change. That then makes you an influence of goodness in a difficult situation. It doesn’t have to bring about change; you have already changed.

If you’re not coming from a place of lack within in addressing something from outside of your self, what you’re offering is some measure of wholeness in the midst of external lack.

Q2: I’ve been thinking about a similar thing but the focus is not political: it’s with those we love. As we’re all on this journey of becoming who we really are, how can we inspire others to find themselves as well?

John: First, by not needing to. If you have personal need to be a goodness influence, it won’t be all that good. If that initiative isn’t based on a personal need of yours, it grows as a natural fruit of what you’re being within. Your own sense of well-being won’t come from being able to help someone: your own inner well being just naturally comes out to others, regardless of what they do with it.

Q2: So when our need or desire to help others is not motivated at all by our own self but just by love, you’re saying it will just come naturally as we live?

John: Yes. Then it’s like a river. It doesn’t stop moving. Essentially, love is what you really are. If you take your self or your personality seriously, then you will use the movement of what you really are, and you’ll use what feels like love to satisfy something in your self, to bring a measure of satisfaction or a sense of well being in your personality. Then you’ll need others so that you can love, instead of you simply being relaxed in what you really are.

And love, when you’re relaxed, naturally moves: it’s what you are.