How Can I Be Of Real Support?

Q: I’ve recently welcomed into my home a family member who is an addict. Normally I’m a fairly balanced person, but now there’s uncertainty about how to manage everything and support her. I feel both resentment and great love. I’m struggling with how to be balanced in my heart amongst all the different responsibilities and give support, without really knowing how. Can you help?

John: Any past investments that you’ve had in hardening or in closing, any excuses that you have for ill-feeling or resentment you don’t need for you to be in your heart toward the other. When you enjoy and then love that you have no real reason for resentment, that leaves you unconditionally in your heart. So your first relationship with your family member is not by doing anything for her. Your first relationship and your deeper relationship is what you are in your heart toward the other. In the midst of anything that you’ve taken to heart of what the other has been, not been, or done to you, you unconditionally open and soften.

Without that, your past, because of how you relate to it, corrupts what you do for the other. Something of that story is present in your self always influencing, even when you don’t feel it. It’s what you’re being toward the other, and then with the other, that determines all of the greater value of what you do for the other. Without that, in your doing, you fool your self. Then you’ll do something to compensate for a lack in your self, concerning the other. In a really coarse kind of way that could appear as doing something good on the surface for the other because you have a sense of guilt for holding resentment, so instead of releasing the resentment, instead of fundamentally opening and softening, you’ll do good. When that’s there, the doing of the good is other than genuine.

When your real relationship from within your heart toward the other is simply clean, whatever you do will easily also be clean. Concerning the other, once you’ve released something of what you’ve taken to heart of any kind of ill-treatment, or anything where you’ve taken your self to heart – when that’s just simply released, then your relationship with the other from within you is clean and clear. Your movement toward the other on a heart level is no longer conditioned by something in your self or something in the other, so your love is unfettered. It’s unconditioned.

Then, when you bring the other into your household to help them, have really kind conditions so their presence there is conditional, while your deeper relationship towards the other is unconditional. You being both the unconditional and the conditional – but they’re on different levels – will bring up everything in your self that you’ve avoided and haven’t dealt with.

Q: Thank you.

 

 

Supporting Your Child Through Divorce

Q: How can I best support my daughter through her parents’ splitting-up and through all the changing outer circumstances, like moving house?

John: By enjoying her.

Q: “Enjoying” … do you mean loving?

John: “Loving” can become complicated.

Q: What do you mean by that?

John: If you enjoy her, you will love her. If you “love” her you might be putting something on to her.

Q: A bit too much?

John: Love is not too much. A personalized love can be too much.

Q: Is it necessarily damaging for a child to experience their parents’ splitting-up?

John: If a child needs it to be damaging: yes.

Q: So it depends on how the child experiences it?

John: If you are just directly enjoying her, that inclines her to open. When she opens she’ll feel the hurt of what’s taking place and it won’t damage her.

Q: Like everything else, it’s about opening more and more?

John: Life hurts. Love hurts. Hurt is fine. Closing when there’s hurt, hardens.

Q: Trying to prevent someone else from hurting is also closing?

John: Yes. When you protect someone from hurt, the actual communication in that is that you’re telling them how bad it is, whereas when they’re hurting and you’re enjoying the other person, you’re telling them deep within how really all right everything is. So they realize a deeper level within than they’re experiencing in themselves within the hurt. It brings about a deeper perspective, so the next time there’s a difficulty in life that also really hurts, they remember what they went into the time before.

Q: And they get acquainted with it and start to trust it?

John: Yes. Within that there’s the realization that life isn’t about not hurting. Life is about the goodness of opening, the goodness of opening within, even while it hurts.

Q: Yes, I know that goodness, yet I notice that since having her I’ve tried to give her a life that would never hurt and that takes away the experience needed for a person to go deeper.

John: If you protect someone from hurt, you’re protecting them from what’s deeper. It isn’t the hurt that’s deeper, but when you focus on the hurt, you’re distracting the awareness within that person from what is deeper. You take them away from what is deeper by focusing them on the hurt, by trying to protect them from hurting.

Q: It seems so normal for a mother to want their child not to hurt. I hadn’t seen that we take something from them when we do that.

John: Don’t be her mother. Just see her, and enjoy her.

What Shall I Do With The Rest Of My Life?

Q: I recently retired from work. I’m sixty-two. I intend to live beyond ninety and am thinking what to do with the remaining thirty years of my life. The question is about focus and choice. What is my task for these remaining thirty years in this life?

John: To awaken to your much greater interior within that hasn’t yet been a part of your life. Your awakening to that will cost you what has been your life.

Aside from anything at all to do with your self, you have knowledge that there’s more and that the more isn’t at all like your self; it isn’t at all like what your life has been. This more is not something that you’re familiar with, but when you’re completely at rest, quieted and gentled as awareness, you just simply know the truth of it.

If that knowledge within is likened to a door, you need to enter that door. The use of your mind isn’t going to help you. It is awareness alone that enters. If you use anything of your self or your person, if you use anything of your history, if you use anything that is from memory you’ll be entering more of what you have already been in your self. You won’t be entering this greater knowledge within that you have no understanding of and that you do simply know the truth of.

All you have of this is your knowing. As awareness you need to believe your own knowing of this. Believing such knowing that has nothing yet to do with your self has you, as awareness, directly relating to this much greater interior that isn’t limited to your body and is not at all limited to your self. It is so much beyond your self that from within your self, as a self, you cannot relate to it. Yet you, as awareness, know the truth of it.

Living Your Life From The Deepest Peace Within

Q: If I’m true in what my heart is wanting and desiring, it’s to have a child. It’s probably been six years since I’ve had a partner and I’m forty-four next month. I’m wondering whether to do it on my own, with insemination. I feel this strong desire and it’s been there for years. I would like any advice you have.

John: First, most deeply within, deep within your heart – deeply, gentled and quieted in your heart – there you have need of nothing. There isn’t anything that you need in this life for you to be quieted in the depth of your heart, for you to be what you really are. Not in your self, but deep within, you have need of nothing. You don’t need your personality, you don’t need your self. You don’t need anything that you’re accustomed to looking for and wanting to have in your life. As soon as you are unconditionally gentled and quieted in your heart, then your depth of peace is no longer dependent on anything outside of your self. It’s not dependent on the condition of your self. It isn’t dependent on your past. You don’t need to acquire anything and you don’t need to first change anything. You are just deeply okay, as is and there isn’t anything that can make that better.

Once that’s deeply settled in you, then it doesn’t really matter much what you do in your life. Whatever it is that you do will be an expression of what you’re most deeply being within, and you won’t be using what you do with your life and in your life to connect to that beingness; it’s already complete. And you have your whole life and everything that you do to express that completeness. Having a child won’t add anything to it. Losing anything in your life won’t take away from it.

Q: I hear that, and in our society if you don’t have a family you’re just excluded and it’s lonely.

John: Then you’re not gentled and quieted in your heart. When you are unconditionally rested in your heart, you may be alone but you won’t be lonely.

Q: I have a lot of solitude and I enjoy it. It’s a lot of solitude, though, and I guess I don’t want to live my life that way.

John: Live your life from the deepest within, from what isn’t easily seen within, but when you are deeply quieted within, you know. That depth of knowing and being what you know, and being rested in it: that’s you. It’s deeper than your life, it’s deeper than your self, and it’s what you let fill your self and your life. Then you really are existing and living from your innermost outwards instead of grasping at something outside of your self, or grasping at something about your self, or for your self, to have that depth of meaning within. In your thinking this doesn’t really offer you anything, but if you’re not coming from being gentled and quieted within, you’ll be circulating in your self and in your life, trying to satisfy what’s already there. You’ll live grasping, and there isn’t anything that will be enough.

This can be difficult to hear because it involves so much letting go of everything that you’ve invested in: how you’ve invested in what you want, how you’ve invested in the hopes in your self, how you’ve invested in things outside of your self that have a sense of meaning.

Your deepest sense of meaning comes from being meaning without you using anything that is yours to give you a sense of meaning, which only serves to separate you from what you deeply, really are, within.

A second questioner continues the conversation:

Q: Having a partner and a child comes from almost a primal desire to procreate. How does being in your heart align with not having those desires?

John: It’s not that you wouldn’t have those desires; it’s that your deepest sense of well-being isn’t dependent on them.

Q: If everyone were that comfortable with living in their deepest well-being and not procreating, wouldn’t that mean the end of the human race?

John: No. What would take place, then, is that this whole world would be different. Everything would go on, but so differently.

 

Deeply Enjoying Your Father

Q: My father has a mental health condition that’s rapidly getting worse. He’s so sweet and vulnerable in it. When I told him I was coming to this seminar he said “say a prayer for me.” I don’t know what to do for him, and I really love him. Can you help me?

John: Deeply within, enjoy what is there. Enjoy him as he loses his mind.  As he loses his mind he’s able to realize differently. As he loses his mind he’s losing his old pathways, pathways that he didn’t need when his mind was good. As he loses those pathways, his opportunity is to be openness that isn’t held together or governed by familiarity.  His opportunity is to love without a construct.

Q: Is it like in a newborn baby, before the child learns to have expression?

John: It’s a little more like a small child when it gets sick. When it’s still in its innocence and a small child gets sick, it’s whole interior opens and that interior moves from within the deep in a way that isn’t usual. It isn’t usual for that child so you see a different face in that child. You see a level of its interior up in its face, a level of its interior that’s different, and if that child isn’t just sick, but has a fever, then you see something that’s different again. Both are real.

It’s a little like your father is coming into a heavy fever and it isn’t going to go away. As he comes into that fever it’s easier to see him. If he doesn’t close and harden in it, his self becomes a little less visible and he becomes a little bit more visible. As he is opening in the midst of losing some of his mind he’s freely losing some of his form. What becomes so visible is what was always there before, but perhaps a little covered. In this way, as he is losing his mind, you are getting to know him.  

Q: Is there anything that I can give to him in that?

John: Instead of giving him anything, sweetly enjoy him as you did when you were really little. Instead of seeing the loss of his mind, see him as he shows more and more. Directly enjoy him while some of his form is passing away. While you’re with him enjoy that you are going to lose your mind when you die – or earlier. That makes it easier for him to see you. Your mind is for what you are without your mind.  

Q: Is it like that for a little child before it loses its innocence?

John: Yes. When innocence has a mind, innocence loves thinking. When you leave your innocence then you become stuck with thinking. When you’re in your innocence it is love that is thinking. Love that is thinking shows in the eyes. It shows in all of the face. If he has the presence of mind, when you see him again, and he asks you “what was your time like here?” then tell him that you got to know him more.

Turning Into The Meaning Of Just One Word

Q: I remember you once speaking to me of the value of just one word and how far it could take me. Would you say more?

John: When you’re really listening and very gentled within, there will always be one word that represents what you are most learning, one word being birthed in you. Then, what is being birthed with that one word is the depth of its meaning. One word slowly turns into a whole universe.

There is a whole gestation period in realizing just one word, in you slowly turning into the meaning of one word. You cannot come up with such a word. Such a word is conceived within your being, and slowly arises within you. Then you live cupping such a word within your heart, holding it as you would a baby, and that one word teaches you, just a holding a baby teaches you … taking care of that word in your heart until it is fully formed, and until you turn into that word.

If that were to happen fully with only one word per year, that would be tremendous inner growth – more than would happen with most in a lifetime.

Q: How could I take care of a word I don’t know, in my heart?

John: When you are entirely gentled within and really listening within, there will be one word in which its meaning speaks what you know, and then you just keep drinking of that one word.  That one word then becomes your mother and your father.

Q: Thank you very much. For now it is ‘love.’

John: You can’t pick the word! A real living word chooses you – you cannot choose one.

A real living word chooses only a very gentled listener because it comes within you so gently and so delicately that if you are not gentled within, you won’t hear it. It is only when such a word is spoken within you that the whole universe responds, and then you see the meaning of that word everywhere. Then the whole universe is, to you, like a mother and a father teaching you.

Even if only one word lives within you for a lifetime, then you have not wasted your life.

 

Gently Letting In Your Past

Q: Sometimes in my connection with you I hit a wall inside. There’s a sense of something bad in me and I wonder about it. When I was eighteen I had an abortion. I was four months pregnant. After the event, I completely cut off from it and put it behind me. I didn’t want to think about it. I realize that somewhere it’s affected my whole life, that on some level I’ve been punishing myself or haven’t really forgiven myself. I never really got down to feeling it. Can you speak about truly forgiving something like that?

John: While being gentle with your self, letting in what you’ve done. While judging nothing, letting your self feel everything, letting what is still in your body move through your thinking and your feeling. Realize what you have done without judging your self. To turn away from what you have done is to shut off from your self.

It is of such value to, very gently, let in everything that you have ever done. Not digging it all up; just no longer resisting any of it. You can only be as deeply open now as you are deeply open to your past. Now includes your past. Your future is as restricted as your responses to your past. Let everything come up as it does, regaining all of your sensitivity back.

Q: How far back does ‘past’ go?

John: As far back as it comes from.

Q: Does that mean memories and knowings that don’t seem to have come from what I’ve known in this particular life?

John: Let in everything while drawing no conclusions: not believing more than what you actually know is true.

 

What You Truly Are Is Grace

Q: I love the truth of what I am beyond my preferences. I can see my inner face in yours and it’s like being in open sunshine. How can I open more to my shadows – those parts of me that I’ve separated from?

John: By seeing the shadows in others – not seeing such shadows with criticism or judgment, but tenderness seeing them. It is only tenderness that has the honesty to see. If someone else’s shadow can in any tiny little way find the same thing in your self, then the shadows of others, instead of being an attraction for irritation, judgment or criticism, are for you a love reflector. It is only surrender nourished by grace that can know such a delicacy. The moment you judge someone else’s shadow then the same thing within your self becomes calloused over. If you ever encounter blame within your self towards someone else, it is only you that is to blame, without being able to see it. Anything other than love destroys everything.

Being annoyed by anything is an anesthetic to grace and goodness. If you wish to know your shadows, you can find them behind every little thing that ever annoys you. If you ever get angry, you are creating total eclipse. When others are angry or annoyed with you, let such energy very gently open all your doors instead of you pulling down the shutters. Then, everything that could ever aggravate you, annoy you or make you angry is, for surrender, an incredible source of grace.

This is you loving the sun within, not just when it warms you but while something that is not the sun acts on you, making you feel cold. It’s loving the sun within in the cold, enjoying the tiniest flower in someone while they are hurting you, while they make you feel uncomfortable. It is such enjoyment of that in them that removes what is of their shadow within you. As long as you are justified in absolutely anything that bothers you, that is not just you unable to see your own shadow, but you protecting yourself from seeing it. Let annoyance be love that kisses you with broken lips. It is only your tenderness toward it that is ointment for it.

What you truly are is grace. Without your absolute surrender to being in your heart and that being what it knows, your true nature will not show. Without total surrender to what tiny little bit you know, you will never be truly gracious. It is only graciousness – you being grace – that is grace, blossoming. It is only total honesty, within, that enables you to see the door, within, to grace, and it is only total surrender that can fully open that door. Then it is no longer about feeling good in what you know is true. Surrender enables you to be the goodness in what you know is true even if being the goodness seems to be only in tiny, tiny measures. That is the space into which your heart goes, however little seems to be there. You not just fully drinking in goodness when you feel it, but when you cannot feel it; you letting goodness drink you. That’s what surrender is. It is such a relationship with goodness that turns you into it. Such a relationship with goodness makes you very gracious.

It is only goodness and graciousness that is free. Freedom doesn’t exist anywhere else. It is only love that is free. It is knowing love that gives you the taste of freedom, but it is only in being love that you are freedom. It is one thing to know it. It is, again, another thing to really feel it, and it is very much another thing to be it. Each comes with a price: varying degrees of you relating only to what you know regardless of the experiences within your mind, regardless of what you think or feel about anything. Through surrender, letting love completely slay you; letting every little annoyance in your life turn into an invitation for love to slay you.

That is what dissolves every core belief within you that blocks out the sunlight within you.

 

What Is Real Love?

Q: What is real love?

John: It is the most wonderful, life-giving and healing energy in the universe. It cannot comprehend frustration. It cannot be bothered or bugged. It cannot be frustrated, because love is not frustration. It cannot be provoked to be anything other than love. It doesn’t try to be itself: it cannot be anything other than itself. It is kindness and tenderness without thought, without willfulness. It does not self-reflect. It does not consider itself. It doesn’t think: it doesn’t need to think; it already is. It has no end, so something that is not being love can push it and push it and push it, and it always, without thought or willfulness, remains the same. Pressure never changes it; pressure only reveals its depth and its endlessness.  

Love flourishes in fire. Anything that is not love always squirms in fire: it resists, it argues and complains, it gets frustrated, it gets nasty, it judges, it projects. When anything other than love is in the fire, it is everything other than lovely. Fire is the grand revealer of what is love and what is not. The hotter the fire the more love flows and shines, and when anything other than love is in the fire, the hotter the fire the more that it screams and voices its torment within. With anything other than love that is in the fire, it produces inner dialogue. Love has no inner dialogue. It doesn’t need to think to be; it is already being. It needs no thought to be sustained and yet it can most wonderfully express itself through thought. Love cannot comprehend what a complaint is.

When love dies, when it returns to its own source, it does so without the slightest squeak. When love dies and returns to its source it does not leave a single trace. When truth is still, then there is no love. There is nothing but truth. You cannot see it, you cannot feel it, you cannot find it, but the moment that truth moves … just ever so slightly … then love exists. The movement of truth is love.

Love is the manifestation of truth and there is no other. You’re incapable of doing it. When you’re being truth, the fruit of that is love.

 

 

Living and Loving From Your Real Bond … With Everyone

Q: I would like to speak to you about my parents. When I was sixteen my father died, and for the last two years of his life I’d had no contact with him. My parents got divorced when I was fourteen and, because my mother gave me much more ground to stand on, I moved in with her. She had the strong feeling that my father would be a bad influence on me. My parents had a lot of fights before she eventually moved out and I took on her beliefs. He unexpectedly fell ill and died; we were out of the country, and the funeral was over before I knew he’d died. He just slipped out of my life. As I grew up I didn’t any longer believe what my mother believed about him and I would very much like to find him more deeply, to feel the bond that I have with him more clearly.

John: Every night that you lie down to go to sleep, lie down in the underlying connectivity that’s there with him. Lie down and go to sleep in the bond that’s there with him. In that way, each time you lie down to go to sleep, you’re getting to know him: not his self, not his person, not his personality – just him. And let him come everywhere into you.

Q: I don’t need any kind of memory, first?

John: That’s right. Lie down in your openness to him. Go to sleep in your openness to him. You don’t need to know him. You don’t need to get to know him. You don’t need any information. You’re just going to sleep in your openness to him. Everything that you’re open to is good.

Q: And the relationship to my mother? Deep down there is a lot of love toward her which sometimes flows, but on the surface there is some confusion, having grown up on her ground. So much has changed that now it seems that it’s for her to find my ground than for me stay on hers. That feels strange because she’s my mother. I don’t know how to be with her.

John: As you know that your ground is more than what she has, that makes you functionally more like her older brother or her father, where in your relationship with her you walk in a much greater perspective that just sees and understands. There’s nothing there for you to do.

Q: So when I have a clear sense that what’s she’s coming from is not the same as I come from, that’s okay and I can really relax into my ground?

John: Don’t even see it as your ground or her ground. What you see is deeper and more settled ground and, as you walk on that ground, through your walk it extends to her. The energy of it is offered to her.

Q: It’s really so clear that if I would not let things flow in this way then I would distract the relationship. There is just the deep where this love can really flow free. Then we can really be together; every time I meet her we can be open.

John: While you’re together, like seeing that her ground is not hers and your ground is not yours. View it without any kind of ownership, that there’s nothing there in you to make clear to her.

Q: And we’re both belonging to the same. Our relationship is liberated no matter how things act out on the surface. In the deep there is just this liberation in how we are.

John: Also open to anyone in your past whom you have cut off from.

Q: Do you mean friends, or anyone?

John: Even someone whom you might not have really known, but you would just see that person’s exterior or their behaviour and you would cut off and leave them energetically with a judgment on them. Anywhere where you’ve done that, let that one into you. Not their self or their person, but what is inwardly there: her or him.

Q: That’s lovely. I see that and I love that.

John: Anyone in your past who you’ve had a bitterness toward, which is different from someone who you would cut off – it’s someone who you’d be negatively engaging within your interior – anyone you’ve had bitterness toward, sweetly let her or him into you.

Q: I can do this with them or when I’m alone and they are not around?

John: They don’t need to be around. And then anyone in your past, not who you’ve cut off and not who you’ve been bitter toward, but those who you just didn’t like – anyone who you had dislike toward. As you open into all of this, you’ll see differently when you meet people. Where you’d normally have a reason to cut someone off or to be bitter toward someone, or just have a dislike, all of that passes away and what remains is your delicate seeing, your seeing without the influence of past judgment, past ways of reacting, past ways of seeing. What you are then as you meet people is goodness that sees. Your seeing is no longer determined by what someone else is like. That deeply opens your self and it frees your self to be like your being.

Q: I can see that so clearly. I can feel a deep relaxation in my whole body. It’s like being together with everyone; having this deep core relaxedness.

John: When you’re with your wife, have no private space within – a place you go to when you cut off a little bit, or when you’re just a little bit bitter, a space reserved for just you, your thoughts, and your feelings, a space where she’s not welcome, a private space that you’d go into and just have some dislike for her. Have no such private space. When you enter in the tiniest little ways such private space, you step into blindness. You’re projecting onto her something that is yours, something that hasn’t yet been cleaned out in your self, something that you haven’t dealt with in your self.

Q: I am aware of very subtle ways I do that with her. With friends I’m aware of bigger things, like being numb around them.

John: Just let it expose whatever it exposes. There’s nothing there to deal with, sort out or work with. The relaxation that allows you to feel it and see it is the same that frees. The beingness that you’re in exposes it by contrast. What is exposed doesn’t require your attention. The beingness that you’re in will just keep doing what it does. Your hand isn’t required in that.

Q: That’s so lovely. It’s really just deeper and deeper love beneath all that, which really liberates all of these holdings and makes this flow between me and everyone else real again.

John: Every little judgment, right down to the tiniest touches that are quiet within, the judgments that are as light as a blink: you see something in someone, you see something in yourself, and there’s a tiny blink of “oh, that’s such-and-such” or “that’s this-or-that”. The littlest of them, as they are in your self and you move with them, all represent an inner network that separates you, awareness, from what you really are as awareness. Every tiny little touch of it is blinding. You need absolutely none of it.

In being in that, that leaves you in your self completely naked and that nakedness is subject to everything. Everything touches it. You feel everything without judgment. Everything goes into you. Anything that has access into you, you do nothing with. The littlest judgment keeps it in you. Where there is no emotional tightening concerning anything, everything that touches you doesn’t stay on you, and everything that comes into you, regardless of what it feels like, doesn’t stay in you. You are not being corrupted by your own tightening. You’re being cleaned by your opening and your softening.

Q: That is so important for me to hear because I belong to …

John: To what can’t even relate to that … innocence.

Q: Thank you.