Why Is My Relationship So Difficult?

WHEN: April 5, 2016 Evening Open Mic

Q: My relationship with a man is very difficult.  I wonder if he’s the wrong man for me, or the difficulty is because of something in me? Can you help?

John: Any time that you have difficulty, the difficulty is first your self. When you experience difficulty it’s because you experience a lack, an actual lack that is there in your self in being able to deal with a person or a situation. The tendency when we experience a lack in our selves is that we focus on what looks like the catalyst to that lack, which is something outside of our selves: a circumstance or another person. As soon as you make it about the other person, you become blind to the actual lack which is in your self.

Q: What do you mean by ‘lack?’

John: If you have a difficult time with someone, it’s not really that other person: it’s you. For example, if your self were more highly developed, and you were to spend time with that same person with whom you had difficulty before, you would realize that the difficulty is gone although their behaviour is still the same. Then you realize that you didn’t have the development of self before to be able to be comfortable in your self while with that person.

When you come from a deeper place within, while you’re spending time with someone who triggers lack in your self, the trigger doesn’t exist within that depth. The closer you are relating from within your surface, the stronger that trigger becomes. For instance, the trigger that you experience with someone doesn’t exist in your heart.

When you’re quieted within your heart while you’re with a difficult person, it’s not difficult for you because of what you’re coming from. When you leave your heart and you go into your personality, then your experience of how difficult that person is becomes much more heightened. 

When you’re forgiving toward someone, they can be in a negative pattern and you are deeply okay. When you’re unforgiving toward someone, then every little thing that person does in being difficult catches all kinds of triggers in your self. When you’re unforgiving toward someone, you’re easily provoked. When you’re coming from a deeper place you’re naturally more forgiving, so from within you you’re given to sweetly overlook things in people. When someone’s behaving in a way that would normally be difficult for your self, you’re easily overlooking that and relating to something that’s deeper in them. Then you’re enjoying that person despite their behaviour. When you’re not dependent on his behaviour toward you, that relieves him of your self, which also then eases up his behaviour.

The more you come from your heart, the more you like him. The more that you come from your heart, the more that you easily feel for him, and the more that you feel him instead of feeling how his self affects your self. If you’re not coming from your heart, everything that he does will bother you. If you’re deeply coming from your heart, everything that he does has little effect on you and you are right there enjoying him.

If you’re having difficulty with him, instead of focusing on what he is doing or not doing, simply go to a deeper place in you. From within that deeper place you think differently, you feel differently and you see differently. And that’s without him changing.

Q:  I understand that.

John: If you have a difficult time with someone, it really says something about you – not first the other person. When you realize that, as soon as you have difficulty with someone you immediately drop deeper within. You drop deeper within by opening and softening.

When you come from a deeper place within, instead of having somewhat hard eyes toward him you’ll easily have soft eyes toward him. The softer your eyes the happier you are.

Q: Thank you.

 

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Other Popular Talks

Without A Speck Of Negativity: Surrendered To What You Really Are

Q: For a long time, I have felt defeated in some way by my self and wanting it to be different. I would like your help to avoid getting so triggered and to stay in my heart.

John: Deeply surrender to using no negative phrasing within your life, inside and out.

Q: I’ve been thinking about being more positive, but that feels like pretending.

John: Not positive; just not negative. If you are positive instead of being negative, you’ll fool your self.

..

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Read More »

The Menstrual Cycle: An Invitation Into Your Mystery

Q: I wanted to ask you about menstruation. During that time of month, or at least the week before, I am in so much pain in my heart. Does that come from my self?

John: The different hormones moving in your body are going to put your self under pressure. So it doesn’t come from your self, it comes from the hormones. But the self that you have isn’t prepared to deal with those hormones. It brings it under pressure.

Q: Is that what creates the pain in my heart?

..

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Read More »

Attention Deficit Disorder And Your Use Of Mind

Q: I have a question about ADD. When I’m studying, thoughts come and I can’t focus anymore. I am able to go within and be in my heart whilst it’s happening, but I am still not able to study.

John: Then you’re going into your heart but you’re not bringing your heart into your thinking. It’s easy for you to go into your heart. To bring your heart into your thinking is difficult. 

When you bring your heart into your thinking, that brings you into your present development in how you use your mind and your thinking.

..

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Read More »