Q: I want to ask something about sexuality. You talked about ‘need and want’ and it is a bit confusing. I’m in a relationship, and I don’t know if I have want, but I feel for it more than my partner. He seems not to naturally like it. In the beginning I was pushing it to happen and then it happened when I’m pushing it, but not all the time. I feel it in my body, the wanting.
John: You’re a little bit upside down in the sense that your sexuality belongs to your self, to what you want and need, whereas the truth of your sexuality is that it doesn’t belong to your self. It belongs to your being. It cannot return to your being without you being in your heart, within the space of your own sexuality.
When you’re in your heart within your own sexuality, you won’t be relating to your sexuality by way of what you want and need in your self. When you’re in your heart in the midst of your own sexuality, it brings up your deeper womaness. However, when you’re in your self in the midst of your sexuality, it brings up what you want and need and it keeps your womaness on the surface.
Your deeper womaness matters more than your surface womaness. The deeper your own womaness, the more that your womaness, including your own sexuality, moves in the same way that your being moves.
Your own sexuality is profoundly answered when your sexuality is returned to your being, when it belongs to your being. Then, when your sexuality moves, your being moves. What you’re accustomed to is that when your sexuality moves, your self moves. And it isn’t just your own sexuality that belongs to your being and not to your self. Everything in your self also belongs to your being. For you to live that way is the complete transformation of your self: you would be giving away all of the power in your self to your heart, to what you know in your heart, and to your own being.
If your appetites are not mastered by you being in your heart, then your appetites will rule you. Your appetites, in that way, are like children. If your children rule the household, the whole house is a mess. The house is out of control and that’s not the fault of the children. That’s the fault of the parent. If your appetites are out of control, that’s not the fault of your appetites. Your appetites are innocent.
When your appetites are mastered by you being in your heart, then your self comes under the mastery of what you know the truth of in your heart instead of you giving in to what you think and feel in your self.
Q: But I do nothing with my appetite.
John: In your interior, what are you doing with your appetites? What is your relationship with your appetites? Do you move with them by way of attraction and aversion, or are you being what you know the truth of in your heart, in the midst of that appetite? This part is all unseen to others, but it’s known by you. If your appetites belong to your being, they become mastered by your being.
Q: And then what happens?
John: Then your being comes into your self instead of remaining separate from your self. When your being comes into your self, your self becomes just like your own being. When your relationship to your appetites is that of attraction or aversion, your self, in its own development, is kept separate from your being.
Q: So even if I don’t act it out, there’s still activation?
Q: I’m still doing it even though I don’t do it.
John: Whatever moves of your appetites causes pressure in your self. If you’re separate from your being, you’ll alleviate that pressure by giving in to the appetite or turning the appetite off. Neither is an integration of your self. If you’re really in your power in the midst of your appetites, all of your power is governed by the most quiet of what you know in your heart. The quietest power in you rules all of the strong powers in you.
Q: Is this appetite really sexual?
John: Profound sexuality has little to do with your experience of sexuality. The answer to the pressure of sexual energy is realization. If you move too quickly you’ll be relating to the power of that pressure. If you slow down, begin to reside in your heart, and listen quietly to what you know in your heart, then you begin to realize in the midst of that pressure. As you realize, you are opening in the midst of your own sexuality. When you open in the midst of your sexuality, you begin to realize its depth. In its depth, it moves just like your own being moves.
Q: So I guess, like you said yesterday, when you want it more you get less of it.
John: Yes. The more you want it, the more you’re going to have it but only on the surface. The more intense the need, the more intensely it’ll be kept on the surface. The most surface fulfillment of your sexuality does not fulfill your sexuality. It fulfills an appetite. The most surface aspect of your sexuality is physical, but the deepest aspect of your sexuality is your own being and the movement of your being. Your own sexuality is able to move by streams of your own being. The fulfillment of your sexuality is your being moving within all of your sexuality.
Q: I feel a sense of control lost when I relate to this.
John: When you begin to realize the truth of your being in the context of your body, you feel that your body is too small, that it doesn’t have the capacity. Your surface body isn’t enough for your being, but your deeper bodies have the capacity, and they need to open. Your deeper bodies open when you open.
Your physical body isn’t too small. Your way of embodying is too small. Your way of embodying is using your self, whereas the real way of embodying is the way of your own being. Your way of embodying needs to open to your own heart and to your being. When your way of embodying opens, then your way of being in your self and in this world changes.
To listen to this dialogue click JdR Podcast 184 – What You Know Integrates Your Sexual Appetites or visit John de Ruiter on iTunes.