Opening and Softening in Relationship – Part 1 of 2

WHEN: April 1, 2011 Evening Meeting

Q: I’m sitting in the chair today with my partner, and I can see so many things that I do that are protecting my heart when it comes to loving him. I would really love to know how to love a man and be so open and vulnerable. I feel like I protect my self a lot. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t have a self that is free to love. I feel like my heart is almost closed.

John: Give up every orientation to being either right or wrong. Dearness in a relationship doesn’t relate to being right or wrong. If you don’t develop your self from within the knowledge you have, your heart and your self will harden. A hard self orientates to being either being right or wrong.

Q: I’ve noticed that hardness in me lately. It feels like a great protective mechanism, but it doesn’t allow for love and dearness.

John: If you’re not developing your self from within knowledge and your heart, all of your feeling will go to your self to the exclusion of your partner. You will relate to being right or wrong. Either way it will be against him. You’ll be projecting outwards what’s occurring in your self. Developing your self from within knowing and your heart costs your self in your experience.

To develop your self, you will have to be clarity, dealing with a self that is like an unruly child. Developing your self won’t be in favor of how you feel in your self. In your experience, you will be going against your self. If you’re not dealing with that then you’ll be going against your partner. You’ll be making him pay for what’s yours.

Q: I can’t say that I haven’t wanted to do that because I’m sure I’ve done it. It wouldn’t be honest. It’s often so extremely painful.

John: That’s unavoidable. When you don’t let pain heal your self, it will make your self worse. If you don’t let pain heal your self, you’ll be putting it onto your partner

Q: I really don’t want to do that.

John: Deep within, you don’t want to do that.

Q: Isn’t that what counts?

John: Everything counts.

Q: So that if deep within, I don’t want to do that, then somewhere I do. Is it enough to see that?

John: And let that, you in that, be in your self. You won’t be your self. You’ll be better than what your self is, and in your self that won’t feel good. The pain that comes into your self will, by you, end in your heart where you will feel it most. The openness and the softness that allows for that will be opening empathy in you, enabling you to see him differently.

Q: It’s quite difficult to speak about this because it’s so easy to hide, in a way, for things to appear different from what they actually are inside.

John: There is no hiding. Everything shows. That’s not a failure. It’s an invitation.

Despite the condition of the relationship, you’re able to see him. In seeing him, you have found you. The seeing doesn’t come from your self. Seeing him doesn’t come from your self. It comes from you opening. And no matter how it affects your self, give every opening to him. Turn every opening into action. If you’re not giving your heart to him despite the condition of your self, you’re dying.

For you to live, you need to give; you need to give your heart. It needs to show, even if your self doesn’t match. Your self will come around after the pain and the vulnerability of that is warmly no issue with you. Your whole body is your heart. Awaken every subtlety of it to him.

Q: Is that by giving my heart to him?

John: Reach him despite your self and his, despite the patterning of the relationship. Reach him and be ointment to him.

Q: That’s very beautiful.

John: Yes, but going past your self won’t feel pleasant.You owe the innermost of everything for you to be this and do this. You’ll be your own innermost outwards. It will be quite a purification. It’s all good, even if it doesn’t feel good. You will be dealing with everything in your self. It works.

To listen to audio podcast 32 – Opening and Softening in Relationship – Part 1 of 2 visit the John de Ruiter YouTube Channel 

Other Popular Talks

Real Power: Givenness To Love In The Midst Of Polarity

Q: I’ve recently experienced a restedness within and I know there’s new life there. I feel I’m stepping into something of the weakness you speak of. Would you speak more about weakness and real power?

John: From within the conditioning in our selves, we relate to power as what gives us advantage: an advantage over vulnerability, an advantage over weakness, an advantage in being taken advantage of, an advantage in unfairness, having an advantage in being liked, being loved, being cared for. It’s all an abuse of power: the use of power that doesn’t come from within nurture, the use of power that has its relationship to lack, the use of power that perceivably gives remedy to lack...

Read More »

What Is Real Forgiveness?

Q: I want to talk about forgiveness. We’re often told to forgive this and forgive that, but if we’re really coming from our heart there is no need for forgiveness. 

John: Yes. When you hold a grudge, or when you’re closing and hardening towards someone because of how they’ve treated you, it doesn’t matter how wrongly you’re treated, you’re not right in closing or hardening. So in that way no one has a good or a real reason to close and harden. 

We can close and harden when we’re mistreated, and what we understand in ourselves is that ultimately we need to come to a place of forgiving, forgiving the other...

Read More »

My Mother Is Dying …

Q: My mother is very ill. She’s likely to die very soon, and in my self I’m panicking. 

John: When she dies, she will be so fine. 

Q: In my heart I know everything’s okay, yet I feel very alone with it.

John: Then that’s that. What is real is right there. You go to your heart and stay there: not just concerning your mother dying but concerning your whole life, concerning everything. You will, a little bit, turn into what she will be after she’s died, and your life – what you have left of it – will not continue to just pass away. ..

Read More »