Q: Five years ago I experienced my own death and since then I seem to be a little dysfunctional. I have mixed feelings about it. Actually I feel on the one hand very blessed and on the other hand it feels like a burden. Sometimes I get excited for a short time and then when I realize what it is that I’m excited about I feel that it’s actually not important. I feel a big urge to do things perfect and feel like losing my mind. Often I don’t know, so I feel like in a continuous upcoming crisis and accepting that again and another one is coming and then a few seconds later I can feel completely different and feel very much at peace or at ease with the same situation.
John: Surrender to being openness and softness of heart, regardless of what perception of reality you experience in your self.
Q: One moment I become very sad or whatever emotion comes up and then two seconds later it’s just completely disappeared. The first feeling of the emotion doesn’t feel that real afterwards but at that moment it did.
John: Take everything that you experience in your self lightly, regardless of the strength of the experience, so instead of relating to what you experience in your self, direct all of your relating to openness and softness of heart. You know how to let your heart open. You know what it means when you open your heart. You know what it’s like when your heart softens and you know how to let your heart soften.
The movement of your heart isn’t to be determined by what you’re experiencing in your self. When the experience of your self determines the movement of your heart, then depending on what you’re experiencing you will close and harden or you will open and soften. Live in your heart with the experiences that you have in your self no longer determining how your heart moves. Live deeply liking opening your heart and deeply liking softening your heart all the time. That puts you in control of your self, whereas the way that you are, your self is in control of you.
Whatever you’re experiencing in your self is determining what you are. With every change of what you’re experiencing in your self, that is for you like a change in the wind. With each little change, the direction of you is changed. That means that you are determined by what you are experiencing in your self. You have given your power to your self so whatever you’re experiencing rules.
Your self is not worth dying for. Your self is not worth living for. Live only for what you know, within, is worth dying for. Letting your heart open and letting your heart soften completely is worth dying for. Live that and your self will not govern you and rule you and own you any more.
Q: When I don’t know what to do in…
John: Open and soften your heart. It is what you know in your heart to be. Instead of looking at what you know in your self, look always to what you know in your heart. If you look for what you know in your self, you will become lost in your self because of not coming from what you know in your heart. Your living letting your heart open and soften without any conditions, meaning that anything that you’re experiencing in your self or as a self is not determining what is happening in your heart any more.
Live only for what you know in your heart is worth dying for.