Opening and Softening in Relationship – Part 1 of 2

WHEN: April 1, 2011 Evening Meeting

Q: I’m sitting in the chair today with my partner, and I can see so many things that I do that are protecting my heart when it comes to loving him. I would really love to know how to love a man and be so open and vulnerable. I feel like I protect my self a lot. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t have a self that is free to love. I feel like my heart is almost closed.

John: Give up every orientation to being either right or wrong. Dearness in a relationship doesn’t relate to being right or wrong. If you don’t develop your self from within the knowledge you have, your heart and your self will harden. A hard self orientates to being either being right or wrong.

Q: I’ve noticed that hardness in me lately. It feels like a great protective mechanism, but it doesn’t allow for love and dearness.

John: If you’re not developing your self from within knowledge and your heart, all of your feeling will go to your self to the exclusion of your partner. You will relate to being right or wrong. Either way it will be against him. You’ll be projecting outwards what’s occurring in your self. Developing your self from within knowing and your heart costs your self in your experience.

To develop your self, you will have to be clarity, dealing with a self that is like an unruly child. Developing your self won’t be in favor of how you feel in your self. In your experience, you will be going against your self. If you’re not dealing with that then you’ll be going against your partner. You’ll be making him pay for what’s yours.

Q: I can’t say that I haven’t wanted to do that because I’m sure I’ve done it. It wouldn’t be honest. It’s often so extremely painful.

John: That’s unavoidable. When you don’t let pain heal your self, it will make your self worse. If you don’t let pain heal your self, you’ll be putting it onto your partner

Q: I really don’t want to do that.

John: Deep within, you don’t want to do that.

Q: Isn’t that what counts?

John: Everything counts.

Q: So that if deep within, I don’t want to do that, then somewhere I do. Is it enough to see that?

John: And let that, you in that, be in your self. You won’t be your self. You’ll be better than what your self is, and in your self that won’t feel good. The pain that comes into your self will, by you, end in your heart where you will feel it most. The openness and the softness that allows for that will be opening empathy in you, enabling you to see him differently.

Q: It’s quite difficult to speak about this because it’s so easy to hide, in a way, for things to appear different from what they actually are inside.

John: There is no hiding. Everything shows. That’s not a failure. It’s an invitation.

Despite the condition of the relationship, you’re able to see him. In seeing him, you have found you. The seeing doesn’t come from your self. Seeing him doesn’t come from your self. It comes from you opening. And no matter how it affects your self, give every opening to him. Turn every opening into action. If you’re not giving your heart to him despite the condition of your self, you’re dying.

For you to live, you need to give; you need to give your heart. It needs to show, even if your self doesn’t match. Your self will come around after the pain and the vulnerability of that is warmly no issue with you. Your whole body is your heart. Awaken every subtlety of it to him.

Q: Is that by giving my heart to him?

John: Reach him despite your self and his, despite the patterning of the relationship. Reach him and be ointment to him.

Q: That’s very beautiful.

John: Yes, but going past your self won’t feel pleasant.You owe the innermost of everything for you to be this and do this. You’ll be your own innermost outwards. It will be quite a purification. It’s all good, even if it doesn’t feel good. You will be dealing with everything in your self. It works.

To listen to audio podcast 32 – Opening and Softening in Relationship – Part 1 of 2 visit the John de Ruiter YouTube Channel 

Enjoy the Transcript?
Share it with a friend!

Other Popular Talks

Humanness: Your Real Connectivity to Everything

Quote: The evidence of your humanness present in your self is nurture and the connective substance of love.

Q: I only discovered you and this gathering a few days ago. I’m enjoying the people, the space and your presence. I feel that since childhood I’ve looked for the truth and there’s a deep longing to melt into the infinite. This calling and longing is a mixture of pain and sweetness. I’m not home but I don’t quit … perhaps the pain wouldn’t stop even if I reached home...

Read More »

Young People (ages 4 – 14) Speak With John …

Quote: You are alive to give space in your heart for the tiniest little sparkle of love to get a little bit bigger.

Q1: What happens when we die?

John: When you die, every moment in your life where you’ve known a touch of magicalness within that you’ve not understood – that made no sense to you from anything outside of your self, but the touch of it was magical and completely nurturing – all of those touches come together and you’ll be all of those touches, all put together … and way, way more of the same...

Read More »

How To Belong And Thrive In This World

Quote: As a being, you thrive through your humanness into your self, in person, in the midst of any environment. It doesn’t even need to be a real environment. What’s real is that you are there, thriving from the innermost outwards.

Q: John, you said that the biggest evolution for awareness is to be one with what you know. I don’t know where is the line between craziness and what I know, because in the deepest level, there are so many things which are so unusual to this world...

Read More »