On Personal Boundaries and Meeting with Others

WHEN: October 28, 2011 Evening Meeting

Q: Can you tell me something about boundaries? Boundaries of my body, my energy? Yesterday you were giving the metaphor of learning how to swim and you said to learn how to swim you have to get in the water and then you have to enjoy being in the water. Somehow I experience – and continuing the metaphor – when I’m in the water, I become afraid. So then I get out of the water and I again want to be in the water. So how to break through this?

John: For you to really be, within, you cannot take your way of relating with you; you cannot take your patterning with you. If you take your patterning with you, then you are being dependent on your own patterning for you to be able to go within. Then in going within, you are in your patterning.

Q: How do I leave my patterning?

John: By not relating to it. You don’t need your patterning for you to go within. Your patterning didn’t come from within. Your patterning developed outside of what you really are, within. For you to be what you really are, within, you don’t need your patterning. You only need your patterning for you to be the projection of your self outwards. You don’t need your patterning for you to meet with someone. You need your ‘within’ for you to meet with someone. Your patterning isn’t really needed, within or without.

You use your patterning to cope and when you use your patterning to cope you’re not really coping. You don’t really need to cope when you’re with others. What you do need is to meet when you’re with others. You need to meet with others, despite the condition of your self or your person. If you’re not meeting with others then you’re not coming from within while you’re with others.

If you’re needing to cope while you’re with others, then you’ll be using and relating to your boundaries in a personal way. You’ll be protecting the personal out of a sense of lack instead of coming from within and meeting without, meeting with others and having boundaries for your person because your person is in your care, not because you’re dependent on your person to be what you really are within.

Q: I don’t get it completely. When I’m coming from within, from the heart, then there’s nothing to protect and I don’t need boundaries?

John: You still need boundaries because you do need to take care of what is in your care. Your person is in your care. You need to protect your person; you need to have boundaries around your person, but not for the well-being of your heart. The well-being of your heart comes from your knowing of what you really are within. Your sense of well-being doesn’t come from your person; it comes from within.

When it comes from within, then the boundaries that you have as a person or because you’re taking care of your person, won’t be taken personally. When something crosses a boundary, you won’t stop meeting. The meeting continues while you are taking care of your person.

Your personal boundaries are then just simply taken care of. You won’t be using your personal boundaries to take care of what you are within. When you have it in the correct order then you have both. You have your ‘within’ that you’re coming from and you have your personal boundaries that you are just simply taking care of.

When you have the two in the incorrect order, you have neither. Your boundaries will not provide for you and you’ll not have your ‘within’ so then you’ll be lost, within and without. You’ll not be coping and you’ll not really be functional.

When your person is in your care and the boundaries of your person are in your care, because of where you’re coming from, within, then the other person that you’re with will also naturally be in your care. If you’re relating to your personal boundaries for you to have a sense of well-being within, then your person is no longer really in your care. Your boundaries are not in your care, and the person you’re with is also no longer in your care. Nothing is really being taken care of and you’re disconnected from your own interior. The more deeply you’re coming from your own interior, the more that everything is in your care.

If someone crosses your boundaries, from within you need to keep meeting. While you are still meeting, really seeing the other, you have boundaries, personal boundaries that continue to be in your care. Take care of them while you’re meeting with the other. As soon as you abandon meeting with the other, even if the other is crossing your personal boundaries, you become lost. You don’t need to become lost just because your personal boundaries are crossed.

Q: Is it best to always keep meeting another… whatever happens?

John: Yes. Keep meeting despite whatever happens, and whatever happens is in your care.

Q: Maybe I can’t distinguish what is me and what are my patterns.

John: When you are being what you really are, there is always nurture in your heart despite what you’re thinking or feeling, despite what you’re experiencing in your self or in your person, despite any difficulty. You don’t need your patterning for you to be in that nurture. The nurture has nothing to do with any of the patterning. For you to give or extend that nurture you also don’t need your patterning. For you to meet with someone you don’t need your patterning.

Q: What comes up is that if I’m meeting someone, everything goes so quickly and I feel lost.

John: If everything goes so quickly, if everything is moving in a fast pace, you don’t need to keep up. As soon as you have a need within to keep up, you’ll be trying to keep up instead of meeting. You’re able to meet while you’re not keeping up. You’ll appear a little bit dysfunctional, and you’ll have what matters most and you’ll be giving what matters most. You’ll be vulnerable in not keeping up and you’ll be heartfully adorable in not keeping up. Keeping up needs to be always wonderfully secondary to meeting.

When you’re not needing from within to keep up, the pressure will be off of the surface and your actual ability will be present. Within that, you’ll experience a little bit more ability in being able to keep up. Your most free capacity for development is in your development being secondary. Your development cannot be primary. Being at rest within and meeting with others is primary. Your capacity to meet with others isn’t dependent on your performance and it isn’t dependent on the performance of the other.

If the other is not being true to their interior, then while you are with the other you might be suffering by their performance, by what the other does to you. That doesn’t prevent your meeting. You can be taking care of your own boundaries in addressing things on the surface, but not because of an inner need. Your interior is already taken care of by you.

Q: Thank you.

Listen to Jonn de Ruiter Podcast 46 – On Personal Boundaries and Meeting with Others or visit the John de Ruiter YouTube Channel.

Other Popular Talks

A Real Foundation For Relationship

Q: I’d like you to help me look deeper at a pattern of mine. I keep falling in love with men who seemingly don’t want a committed relationship. I can see the reflection of my own lack of commitment and maybe even lack of loving, yet I do feel that the love is very genuine.  

John: The love for …?

Q: The man, and the love for truth.

John: Leave out the first one! Let your whole life turn into the second one...

Read More »

I’m Not Getting The Promotion I Deserve!

Q: My husband and I worked very hard last year and didn’t get promoted. What can we do to have our work recognized? We work very hard, do our duty, but there seems to be no justice.

John: Do what you’re already doing without needing to be promoted. That makes you more promotable than when you need to be promoted. Once you both have what you’re looking for, then what will you do?

Q: I’d continue in the work I’ve chosen, but I am looking for justice and recognition in our workplace...

Read More »

Evolving In The Midst Of Bipolar Disorder

Q: For some time now I’ve experienced strong bipolar episodes. I don’t want to be a victim and I do accept responsibility, but their impact is so intense and they throw me so far from my self, I feel that I don’t have my independence anymore. There’s a relentless inevitability and I wonder what to do about it.

John: You suffer from what, in a tropical climate, is called hurricane season.

The seasons that you pass through don’t stop you from being what you first are...

Read More »